When I was at the age of 7 I remember coming home with friends, we all got undressed and were busy showing our provide parts.

When I was 10 me and my friend used to lock up and act out. This continued until I was 17 years old.

In School, when I was 12, I was talking a lot about this subject with my classmate. I also used to act out with one of my classmates.

When I graduated, I extremely often locked up inside a room with a friend of mine, we used to act out together, we were talking nonstop about sexual desires. I also continued to act out with my friend from school quite often.

Since approximately the age of 13, I always continued to act out, I tried to stop so desperately but I always failed. I made so many promises but never kept them. If I were to keep my promises then I would have to fast for a full day after acting out, donate to a charity £200, and say 200 psalms of Tehillim. I rely on Kol Nidrei and therefore do not keep the promises.

At the age of 15 I got hold of a computer with internet connectivity, I slowly started to search for nude pictures online and used to act out over them. The situation only got worse and worse. I tried so many times helplessly! I then started to watch porn movies and fell deeper into this addiction. Once I was so upset, that I threw my MacBook into the water and broke it. Thereafter I only acted out in my mind. Later on I got hold of another computer, then I also dumped it. Thereafter I connected my PSP to wifi and were browsing through nude images. It all continued non stop! I was at failure. I always thought that things will get better tomorrow but never did.

When I went to study in Israel, I hoped that I’ll stay lean. I had made a vow to stay clean for 20 days otherwise I would have to pay fortunes towards a charitable item for poor families. I ended up paying fortunes. I mostly acted out in my mind. Later on I got hold of a Nokia phone, which I used to watch pornagraphy.

After I got engaged and then married I continued acting out in my mind, or by watching poragraphy. I was always expecting and demanding from my wife, and only gave when I had pleasure from it.

My addiction is driving me mad day and night, I was never able to achieve sobriety, no matter what and how I tried.
I have now joined the SA program and am trying to take one day at a time and attending meetings whenever possible.

Welcome! You've taken what i cosiderto be the first step towards recovery- reaching out to others. As i read your story i felt your pain that's been bottled up all these years. It may seem at times like its all just impossible to achieve. But Hashem has given each of us a unique set of tayvos which we can oovercome. It will take time, and along with our wins there will be falls. The idea is to try to focus on the moment of now, and not what happened 5 minutes ago or what will happen in the next 5 minutes. Keep on posting and let us know how the sa meetings go. You can do this! I have faith in you!

Welcome Mayer,

You have taken some serious first steps.

SA and postin' here.

Keep it up!

You are amongst friends.

Your road to recovery should be blessed with hatzlachah (and oh...by the way, you are not a failure).

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out skeps tips in my signature!

WELCOME! You have taken some great steps in the right direction. Keep it up, and keep on posting!

Thank you so much to all of who have given me support (and to the readers!)
Any suggestions of what to do or not do in order to stay sober?

Gchat me!

Mayer, Thank you for your honest and open share. You have been of service to me. Although I am new here, I will say welcome. Please provide an update as how SA is working for you. I would appreciate it. I want to wish you much success. Work those steps! You can PM me if you want.

Aren't you in SA? Work the steps.

Shalom aleichem, Mayer!

Make yourself at home here, we're all in the same boat.

My heart goes out 2 u .

Impressed that you're trying so.ethi get new. How's the 12 step program going?

R Meir,
Great idea to join GYE.
We all struggle here and help each other.
Here you can make friends with people through private email and anonymous phone calls.
I have many friends who I call regularly and help me so much!
Feel free to email me anytime.

Hi,
I haven't been here for a while.
I keep on going to the SA meetings twice a week.
So far I am sad and ashamed to say that I haven't made any major progress, I unfortunately kept falling:(

However I can see the 12 steps working, so many people in my fellowship who were much worse then I am have recovered. I hope to be one of them very soon!

Iyh it will! KOMT!!

Welcome back
glad to hear that youre still workin' the program.
sorry to hear about the falls, but your attitude seems better.
That's a good start.

b'hatzlachah

Hi,
Thanks to GYE, My sponsor, SA Literature, F2F meetings, pone calls, friends in the fellowship, morning and evening routine, God has kept me sober for 16 days. I feel great!