I am a soldier in the Army of Hashem. The battle has been raging on for a while now. Things are getting tougher by the hour, but, B"H, I am 4 days clean for my first time in probably a year.
Will there be any insights in this topic? Not necessarily. But I know myself, and it's clear to me that if I don't make my struggle public in some way, I will feel no accountability. So bear with me as I attempt to be the best I can be

Welcome stick around, you're not alone, help and encouragement you'll find here.

Day by day

Welcome,

no insights!? perhaps.

Tell us please.
What is your plan?
How will you stay clean/sober today?
What changes will you make to your life/mindset that will make things different?

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME! Keep reading and posting. There's lots to learn here, and a wonderful, encouraging, non-judgmental chevra to share your feelings with. Open up and tell us what's on your mind.

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's your story?? What have you tried? How will you recover?

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

I had been doing it for probably 2 years before I found out it was a problem, so understandably, stopping was not as easy as it seemed. I tried over and over again, and saw little to no success. Then I went to yeshiva in Israel, and managed to stay clean for over 40 days. Since then, with the exception of another month, I can't remember the last week I stayed clean. As far as I could tell there was no hope in sight. But then, at the beginning of the Summer, 2 things shifted my perspective.
1) I was reading ספר חשבון הנפש and it spoke about how animals are swept to their desires like grasses in the wind. It hit me that I've been behaving like an animal for all these years.
2) I had been thinking of this issue as a life pattern, which clearly made change extremely difficult. It was only until the beginning of the Yamim Noraim that I actually internalized the idea that it can also be looked at as a bunch of individual aveirot, and as such each aveirah can be avoided in its own right.

The thing that really scares me about this aveirah is that, from an outsider's perspective, I look like a "shtark" guy. I think its OK to say this BC it's anonymous. People seem to look toward me to learn how to grow. But I know that this is not as true as I would like it to be. this aveirah is totally not on par with the rest of my life. I am worried that R"L there may be others in this situation too.

Bein' worried about yourself or others is not part of the game plan.
Focus on what you need to do now for recovery.
What can you do for this very moment?
That's the goal!

b'hatzlachah

On the contrary, i think that you're showing true sensitivity to others that may be in similar situations as you. I think its safe to say, that yes, there are others just like you who on the outside look like top bachurim, and on the inside are struggling with all forms of lust. The thing is that you are not living a double life. You are exactly who you are. A top bachur who also has nisyonos. So what that people don't know about it. Everyone has struggles that only they know about. The main thing is that you're working on yourself to grow. Keep on shtaiging and KOMT.

PM,
You are gevaldig! Did you ever think that the RBS"O picked you to "grant" these nisyonos so you can be misgaber, help others be misgaber, which gives him so much nachas ruach.
Many of the people I meet on GYE are magidei shiurim, talmidei chachomim,leaders, and people who are respected and even followed.
I give a shiur...imagine what a fraud I feel like.
But I have accepted this as my life's mission, a custom job given to me directly from HKB"H who will help me if I let him.
I am not a Lubavitcher, but someone posted today a beautiful shtickel from the Baal Hatanya about the tafkid of some people who HKB"H wants to constantly fight with the Y"H. I got great chizzuk from it.
Hang out here and you will learn from so many choshuve people how to be an oived HKB"H and how to live a serene life by relying on the RBS"O.
Keep up the gevaldige work!

pmarlowe wrote:
Most of us are in that situation. Leading a double life, and it's driving us nuts. (oy yeah, and most of us are "one of the best [if not THE best] bachurim...") When it drives us crazy enough, or our wives catch us we come here to get help . WELCOME! You are one of us!

I've tried cold turkey for years, and now for a new method. Larger and larger breaks. Current goal: 1 week.
Anyone have advice for a) how to keep to it in terms of mindset b) what to do/think once one IY"H reaches the goal? I know the motto is "one day at a time" but bear with me

I'm afraid they say in SA "half measures availed us nothing". After one week, you will feed it, and then you will need it even more. Lust is like an allergy (for an addict). One small dose, and boom, an allergic reaction.

Don't worry about any counting or goals. The goal is to do recovery actions and avoid triggers. Read the handbook, post here. LIVE. Get together with friends.

When you feel comfortable enough, start chatting with some of the chevra here, then give them a phone call.

Do you have anyone in your life that you could share your "issue" with. Opening up is REALLY POWERFUL. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I see you taking a path that has been well traveled before, and always ends in failure, as far as I can tell.

The goal is ONE DAY AT A TIME! Do you know what that means?? It means concentrating ONLY on today!

Thank you gibor, I actually appreciate the bluntness. Better before than after.

What is right now the main trigger that gets me to act out is spare time. Whenever there's stuff I need to do, but I'm running my own schedule, I almost invariably result in getting nothing done except acting out.
Meaning, when I have an hour and there's nobody else in the room, I sort of just head for the websites. Kinda habitually. Not due to some visual trigger or internal struggle. I don't really notice what I'm doing until I'm already there, and by then it's significantly harder to stop. What can I do to remove this trigger?