In a certain way I can relate. Sometimes in my family's home there can be a lot of negativity, which at times makes me tense, and nervous. B"H I'm usually in Yeshiva out of town, but when I'm home it can really hurt. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are having a rough time, and even more sorry that it's affecting you. It can't replace it, but know that you are part of the GYE family where you can always talk to a brother for advice, or simply to vent. We're all here for you, and only want the very best for you. We are totally non-judgmental.

Tonight makes 3 complete pure days. I don;t want to say I'm still going "strong" but...I'm going. I guess that's what is important.

Not every day will feel like it was a "strong" day. I mean, it's a struggle, right? So that means that it won't always be smooth, but a struggle. Today for me so far is a little easier than yesterday, but the pull is particularly strong this chol hamoed. Did I spend a little too long in the shower and start to fantasize? Yes. Does that mean I should just give up, and act out? NO!! I gotta take a deep breath, and refocus. We can daven for s'yata d'shamaya that the fight should at least be easier.

I fell 3 times tonight. Feeling really down. I don;t even understand why...I was happy and feeling good and suddenly boom...I entered "the haze". Simchas Torah is going to totally suck now. I'll probably end up sitting on the side in some obscure shul waiting for it all to end.

I fell on erev Rosh hashana. I was completely down and was thinking about the right way to space out during davening since I sure as heck wasn't going to be praying too much. Then on my way to shul, I decided "I know I just fell, and that's pretty pathetic, but you know what? I'm still going to have a good davening, that's what Hashem wants from me in the situation I'm in now".

It wasn't a typical davening seeing as I was in the haze, but by shachris I felt way better and managed to do pretty good. It wasn't my best davening, but it was waaay better than I thought possible.

Don't let this get you down. Go to sleep, stay away from the computer tomorrow, try to learn a little, exercise a bit, live real life. It can be much better than your expecting right now, right after your fall. It isn't exactly like you're thinking the clearest possible..

I missed shachris today because I was so upset. It is at least the 2nd, possibly the 3rd hoshana rabbah shachris I missed in a row, as I definitely missed it last year too, for the SAME REASON. I am so sad. I'm actually still in bed in pajamas and it's 11 in the morning.

WHOAH BUDDY! Take a deep breath!!!!!!!!!!! IN AND OUT! shhhhhhhh. STOP RIGHT NOW ALL THIS ATTITUDE! It is very harmful and really there is no benefit to it at all. From the time that i stopped admonishing myself, is the time i started recovery. Hashem loves you and wants you to do what is right now, no matter what you did in the past, even if it was one second!!!!! Whats the gemara that even if there is fresh blood on the knife someone can still return to Hashem!

Stop this harmful attitude and come back to Hashem. Take a nice deep breath and smile! Then go out into the sukkah and see how Hashem is protecting you!

Can you remind me what steps have you taken? Have you reached out at all?

I have filter and accountability software, but I am quite savvy and adept at getting around the filter and the accountability software goes to my mom and brother who are both extremely unknowledgeable when it comes to computers and either wouldn't even realize what happened or wouldn't know how to approach it. It breaks my heart to say it, but as I've mentioned in the past, my relationship with, love for, and trust in my parents is awful. It is simply and completely out of the question to use my dad for anything involving this issue. My mom is clueless at best and misdirected at worst and does not get how to approach this issue. If i fall, instead of being sympathetic, loving, empathetic, and warm, she rubs salt on the wound by acting like it's such an inconvenience for her and that she's giving up on me. I am so completely alone. I have nobody that I can use right now to be accountable to. We don't have money to pay for therapy because my dad is "self-employed" (read: unemployed) because he is so bad at relationships that he couldn't keep a job in numerous law firms that he was in. I am doing the fortify program online, but I dont think it will do much for me. I can't go cold turkey off the internet because I'm in grad school and need it for school. I am in a catch 22, and am all alone.

If there's such a thing as a virtual hug, please accept one from me. You know what? I felt all cocky that i didnt fall in 24 days and i was posting, but then boom! I fell last night by reading explicit material and mb. So where does that leave me? Should i just give up and go now mb again? Should i take the prior suggested deep breath and focus on the now? The choice is ours, and ours alone. I can't fathom the pain you're feeling from also not feeling loved by your family. They say that all parents love their children, its genetic. Its just that not all parents know how to deal with certain situations properly. Maybe your father is depressed because he cant properly support his family? Maybe your mother is depressed because she's now the primary bread winner and is feeling overwhelmed? I can only try to speculate here. It could be that because they're not from the techie generation, they dont know how to deal with your situation. From a third-party point of view, its easier to be dan l'kav z'chus. Personally its super hard for me to do myself when others seemingly wrong me. So all is not lost! Do try to make the best od what's left of yom tov, put a big smile on and KOMT!! Remember, you are not alone ever in this fight! We gotta watch each other's backs bro.

Maybe join an SA group, i think they're free, but it would be a warm loving and accepting atmosphere

a belated welcome 613

Perhaps you have to realize that you are not porn. You are you. I am sure you have plenty of attributes. Together with those attributes you have a problem with lust. (Yes all the fetishes and the things that make you feel like dirt are just how lust expresses itself in your life. All of here are struggling with lust. It expresses itself in many different ways but the bottom line is that you are lusting)
Your problem with lust can very well be coming from a desire to escape your tough situation you are in or to find some fake way of fulfilling what is missing in your life.
It doesn't have to, and doesn't define who you are. You can have a bad day when you fall victim to lust problem but that is not you. It is something that the real you is doing.
If you can separate the two, you can learn how to pick yourself up and get on with your real life. As you start to connect to the real you and start to feel better about yourself, you will have an easier time to start learning about the different tools that there are to deal with lust and make it more manageable.
Hatzlocho, we all feel your pain, buddy and we are rooting for you. So just pick yourself up, get back on the truck and hang on as best as you can.

Remember that you can only change yourself. You cant change your family or possibly even your situation. It seems like you are blaming all your problems on your parents and I'm sorry to say but thats not going to lift you out of your problems. You have to accept responsibility for your actions and keep trying! Keep getting back up. I suggest reading some Dov material on accepting Hashem's will and not your own. Admitting that we cant remove the problem ourself.

Feel free to reach out with some of the guys here. You are a teenager right? We have special mentors for teenagers. You can check the teen thread and get in touch with them!

Sorry on the late welcome.

I think he said he was 26.

We all have our weird fetishes - some worse or better than others.
Youtube, etc. is all triggerin' for us.

There are a lot of tools out there.

You can blame God if you want - it doesn't seem to help many of us.
It's our life and we gotts live it.

Let's try somethin' today...just for now.

b'hatzlachah

I am absolutely not a teenager. I am a 26 year old single graduate student. And I am absolutely blaming my problems on my parents. I am not saying that well necessarily help me. But understanding where the problem stems from is a big part of addressing it, in my opinion.

Also, I fell twice last night. I have now taken the extreme action of smashing my laptop. I am off from school until January and really don't need it for anything. Out of frustration, I smashed it last night and am now attempting to go until January without it. I will continue to post on here through other means. Hopefully Hashem will help me to get over the hump this time.

Have you read the first few steps of the 12 steps?

I had a therapist that began settin' up our talks that there was somethin' in my history causin' it.
It could be true, but I didn't wanna hear much of it...it is my life, and I gotta fix....who's to blame? who cares?