I fell last night and today, so soon after Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed and angry at myself. I also feel so alone because as I have gotten sucked deeper into this disgusting problem, I have evolved from simple p-n and developed weird fetishes and fantasies that will remain unnamed here. I really feel like a freak, but hopefully this is the start of my road to recovery. Tomorrow is day 1.

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!

I found that being ashamed and angry didnt help me recover. Maybe it will help you. Just my experience

No. Today is day 1. Start new right now.

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Welcome welcome so happy to have you join us
Just think positive you can do it.

Try to analyse yourself, see what triggers you and what makes you tick.....

Thank you guys. Definitely a huge trigger for me is stress. I simply seem to no longer have the ability to manage my emotions. The frustrating thing is that this kind of addiction seems to bring with it physical symptoms and that is maybe what gets me more upset than the emotional pain. I develop acne, my hair seems thinner, I'm more tired, my voice seems to crack more and I just feel like I'm not the same person anymore for at least a few days after a fall. Then I start feeling better and I get cocky and I think "why should I be different than all of my friends who all have facebook and surf youtube and never seem to have any of these problems. So I give myself another go and I subsequently fall again. And the thing is, [b]I know that I cant withstand the challenge. But for 8 years now, I can't stop. I feel this overwhelming urge that I'm missing something and I must check it out[b] It's such a vicious cycle. And then there is the added torment of feeling that I'm looking at things that even "normal" addicts wouldn't look at. It really makes me feel lower than dirt and I usually end up staying in bed all day. There have been days when I have missed putting on tefillin because I felt "how could I put on holy tefillin and stand before Hashem when I'm so ashamed?" I know it's the wring attitude but it is simply easier said than done to change my feeling like that.

Anyway I appreciate your guys warm words of welcome. I just wrote the above to share a little more of how I feel and the process that occurs when I fall so that hopefully others on this forum can understand me better and possibly offer more advice or encouragement in various areas. Thanks again and looking forward to day 1 of the rest of my life tomorrow.

I fell. Right before yom tov too. How can I go to shul now? How can I be happy? I swear I die a little bit every time this happens. I'm single, 25 going on 26, with no marriage in sight, all because of this ******** issue. My life is in shambles.

HI! I also get really stressed. We just gotta take a deep breath and take baby steps. One step at a time. One thing at a time!

613fighter
"easier said than done" NEEDS to be removed from your vocabulary NOW. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! Who cares if its easier said than done. That basically means "I cant." YES YOU CAN! If you take nice small steps. No need to finish shas in one day! One amud a day! Or even one rashi a day!

I fell again motzai shabbos. I am so miserable. Why doesnt Hashem help me? All I do is pray for him to stop these desires. And yet nothing seems to help. What can I do? I am dying. This is literally killing me. I have already had to leave my grad school program because this problem simply made me unable to focus on both issues at once. I have not made any progress in dating at all because I feel like such a hypocrite when I fall to then go out and date. It's been over a month since my last date. This isue is simply destroying. my. life. I am crashing and burning before my own eyes.

Hang in there. Youre not alone. We are pulling for you. I have no idea if this is accurate or not for you, but it seems to me like you are still fighting and struggling this thing- which leads you to feel miserable because you feel like you lost again and it's hopeless. Maybe read some of Dov's quotes on this site. It helped me a ton.
Hatzlacha!!!!

I have not tried everyone of those tools, nor will I. Things like the Taphsic method just seem like they won't be very helpful to someone like me and going to groups is something that I cannot do. I am in the middle of going through the fortify program right now. I am actually feeling very stressed at the moment and I am terrified that I will fall again. I want it so much and yet I don't want it. I always go through this back and forth struggle for a little bit until I give in a little and just "take a peek" at what is online and just touch myself once. Once that happens, I enter what I call "The Haze" and I simply go on autopilot. At that point, I don't think an earthquake would shake me from my mission to release.

By the way, I want to share that probably my main addiction is to weird fetish type and regular sexual stuff found on youtube, an officially "non-pornographic"site. I usually don't head straight to the real porn. Youtube is an absolute killer for me. And yet it is so hard to stay off it because I am really into music and there is so much music on it, and then I would feel like I'm missing everything. Does anyone else have trouble with youtube? Or is everyone else mostly just on the regular "stuff"?

In this struggle, we all have our own demons that grab us. There is no normal or weird here. Youtube is really bad for me too. On my phone I just downloaded an accountability software, so every link I go to is automatically sent to someone else. So it's like having someone look over my shoulders. Do you have k9 which would block Youtube? I highly suggest either that or accountability software. These are absolute musts!! Otherwise how can you not fall?! Hashem will help you if you show a genuine interest to recover. When you take one step towards Him, he'll take a giant leap to you. But you have to show that you're really interested. I can see that you trying, and that means you are growing! I remember once mb a few hours after Yom Kippur! It was like it had all gone in one ear, and out the other. Don't despair, and don't give up!

I am glad to see that I am not the only one who struggles with youtube. I can honstly say that right now, when I get urges, it is not even porn sites that I envision. It is images and videos from youtube. I have seriously conditioned myself to be attracted to the dark side of youtube. I can spend literally hours surfing it and mast-ng. It just makes me so sad, because, like I said, there is SO MUCH on youtube, including jewish music stuff, and to resign myself to never going onto youtube again makes me very sad that I will miss out on this stuff. It is not so simple - I am REALLY into music.

Well I left a very intense grad school program because I hated it. But I think that a big part of hating it was that I was in a terrible mood all the time because of this addiction. I would fall and get so upset and depressed that I was ditching classes and it affected my school work greatly. It's not to say that I would have loved the program if not for this issue. But I may have tried to stick it out if I was in a healthy state of mind and could concentrate fully on my school work. I am in the process of switching to a less intense, albeit way less prestigious type of program. I did go to a frum therapist a few times, but he did nothing for me. He was older and I did not feel he had a good grasp of the intricacies of this kind of issue. Believe me, even posting on this forum is a big jump for me. Maybe I can work my way up to the point where I feel comfortable in a group.

That's the spirit! KOMT bro!

I have now installed accountability software on my laptop and phone. I have my mom and my brother as partners. This is not ideal, because I don't have a great relationship with my parents - they have a terrible marriage and should have gotten divorced years ago. I have tried using my mom before and it didn't work because I honestly didn't care too much if she knew I turned off the software, due to the bad relationship. My brother may be more of a deterrent. Tonight makes 1 complete day.

Way to go! Taking big steps in this struggle. I just came online now looking for chizzuk here so that i wouldn't succumb and act out. Thanks for being michazeik me! It's a tough battle, but one we can win one day at a time.

I now have one day to my name. I am realizing that I think a big reason I act out is because I don't have a lot of love in my life and that is what I am looking for. As previously mentioned, my parents have a terrible marriage and prefer to fight rather than focus on their kids. One brother is essentially not frum and out of the picture. My other brother is SUPER frum, so it's hard for me to relate to him. Then I have 2 sisters. I am 25, single and unfortunately still living at home, because this addiction has not let me have the time to focus on dating. My house is filled with cynicism, sarcasm and nastiness. Shabbos meals are a disaster. Going online makes me feel connected and "loved". The thing is - when I am socializing outside of the house, I never think about my addiction. I am too busy loving feeling connected to others, which is a natural feeling in most healthy humans, I think. It is when I come home and am alone that I then fall every time. I am trying to take steps to combat my alone-ness. This chol hamoed, I am went to a concert by myself. None of my friends were able or interested enough to go and I truly enjoy them. I decided that there is no reason for me to pass up on something that I truly enjoy just because it doesn't fit into other's schedules. So I looked slightly lame being by myself - big deal. At least I was among other people all enjoying together. Jewish concerts are great like that - you feel like you're in the room with your extended family. It's nice, in my opinion. Today will make 2 whole days if I can get through it.