I need to stay connected with others and live in the real world. I'm excited to try this for the first time!

Shalom aleichem, beholy.

Boy, do I relate to your needs.
Getting out of isolation, albeit virtually, is the single most important aspect of the many maalos and tools on gye that is keeping me clean, bli ayin hara.
Like you implied, not connecting with others is not living in the real world. It's stifling myself by going against my own nature.

So, welcome to the real world! Make yourself comfortable.

WELCOME BEHOLY!!!!!

great to have you here, yes staying connected with others is tool number one so you took the first step,

we would love to know more about you and what your struggling with,

KOP(posting)!!!!

Welcome

let us know your issues and struggles and plan of action.

the chevra is here to help.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome. We look forward to all the chizzuk you will be giving us as you break out of isolation

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the warm welcome! I already feel a sense of camaraderie and connection even though I've never met any of you.
Yesterday was my first clean day in my 90 day journey. Many times during the day I found myself turning to in inappropriate thoughts or sights almost instinctively and needed to constantly remind myself to stop because I have committed myself to 90 days clean and don't want to disappoint myself or any of you. Having accustomed myself to certain negative behaviors I know this is not going to be easy so I appreciate all your positive support and encouragement.
Looking forward to staying connected and reporting back daily.

Welcome beholytoday!!

It's great that you've come here!! We're all in the same boat, learning and growing with similar obstacles!

I love the username, mostly the last part.....which leads me to ask you an interesting question. What is your goal here?

I ask that because it seems that you are quite focused on the 90 days. So what happens after the 90 days?

One of the massive ideas I've learned here is Living in the moment, getting the most out of what I have in front of me. Even when I was watching porn, I wouldn't be satisfied with I had in front of me!! I can count on one hand how many times I watched a full clip from beginning to end with out skipping around in middle. That is because my problem is with living life, I didn't know how to experience the NOW. I was always on the lookout for something more, something bigger, and by doing so always missed the glory of the moment.

BH for this awesome site, I have learned to live, and you can have it to!!

So keep on posting! and KOMT!!

You make a very good point. I need to focus less of the 90 days and more on living in the moment and taking each day at one at a time. This forum and the support of every one who takes the time to respond and share their advice means so much to me. May we always be there for each other.
thank you!

at the same time 90 days is a big incentive.
may be we can use it together with other tools
bwholey, what else do you have planned

Don't have much else planned. Still thinking this through. I'm open to suggestions

We will be able to share our experience that we feel may be applicable to your situation only after we know about your situation! What do you struggle with? What have you tried to do to stop? How long have you been struggling?

Looking forward!!

Here goes but first with a little background.
I grew up in a frum and well respected home. My father was mostly absent (physically and emotionally) as he was busy with communal work, while my mother was overwhelmed from raising a large family by herself.
There was little love in my home and my parents constantly argued.
I recall lying in bed at night and praying to Hashem that my parents not get divorced.
In this loveless and critical environment, I became very insecure and lost any sense of confidence or self esteem.
In an effort to ease the pain, I turned to lust, probably as early as 9 years old.
Material wasn't available like it is today, so I would find clothing advertisements from the mail that my mother discarded etc...
I had no idea that I was sowing the seeds of what was to be a very long and difficult journey with addiction.
I became very good at hiding my problems and my parents continued to believe that I was a healthy child.
Despite everything I did pretty well in school and managed to make friends, although inside I was a wounded and hurting soul.
I grew up and went away to Yeshiva and of course my preoccupation with lust continued.
I came to believe that there was something wrong and different about me.
With no one to talk to, my shame and frustration over my spiritual status (or lack thereof) continued to eat away at me.
I was angry at Hashem for doing this to me.
I built up walls around myself to make sure that no one would ever discover my dark secret.
I was considered a good bochur but remember thinking that it was all one big sham and if only "they" knew...
This continued all the way through my years in Yeshiva.
Then it came time for shidduchim.
I was petrified of allowing someone into my life. I had closed myself off from the world and really had no idea how to have a genuine and close relationship with anyone.
At the same time, I looked forward to getting a fresh start and naively believed that getting married might solve my addiction.
I married my wife who is full of life, confident and attractive.
Of course nothing helped.
My first year of marriage was very difficult.
It was hard to adjust. I resented the fact that she was so normal and I was so crazy.
She expected things from me and I was not able to deliver.
I felt inadequate as a husband.
This was all compounded by the fact that we didn't have kids for the first two years.
All along I was self medicating my fear and discontent with lust.
The internet made things yet worse.
I have now been married for more than 10 years and have six children.
I feel bad that my wife has been short changed and cheated out of a loving caring husband. I fear for the health and well being of my children.
I am anxiety ridden about my parnosa.
My being frum is mostly just on the outside.
I feel empty inside and lack a true and meaningful connection with Hashem and with people.
I am not ready to give up!
From all that I have read on GYE, I know that there is hope.
I am just starting on what I would like to believe is an honest path to recovery.
It's a little hard to keep everything anonymous but I just don't have the courage to share any of this openly.
Thank you for listening and for your support and encouragement...whoever you are!

Welcome aboard to the best site for discussing your issue-which you only hinted at in your post-think of what is important in your life-you learned in a yeshiva and are a father and husband. I am sure that you are active in your community and have friends as well-these are ( or should be viewed as ) the ikar in your life-everything is tafel.

Welcome
Without too much commentary, here is what I relate with...meanin'....the same was with me.

beholytoday wrote:
....simply not there for us.

beholytoday wrote:
..yep

beholytoday wrote:
....a lust addict. Mine probably started at 14.

beholytoday wrote:
...I wasn't angry at Hashem...I didn't really know Him and I still don't.

beholytoday wrote:
.....yep!

beholytoday wrote:
Yep

It took many years; I am here. I gave up many times, but not now!

Lookin' forward to hear more.

b'hatzlachah