I have never tried this before, but I'm hoping it will help me. I have been a serious addict for 5 years. The one issue that I have though is that when I fall, I get REALLY, REALLY depressed. Yesterday I stayed in bed until 8:30pm I was so sad. I just don"t feel like seeing the world after I fall. But maybe this forum will help me.

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So I am 25 and I am not of those guys who has had problems since very little. I basically did not have internet access until 17, 18 years old. But when I did get it, it was unfiltered and it was like being struck in the head with a brick wall, such was the tidal wave that hit me when I discovered it. One thing that I think contributed to it was that I grew up in a very volatile household - my parents still basically hate each other and are constantly screaming at each other, together with them being not very warm, cuddly people - I think that might have contributed to the addiction. When I discovered porn, it was something to "connect" to, however superficially. And I just fell further and further. I'm honestly at the point where regular porn doesn't even do it for me anymore. I need raunchier stuff that only serves to make me feel more disgusted with myself when I am done.
Anyway, today makes 2 days. I have not had a week clean in a very long time so that is my short term goal. i have been trying to get out and socialize a bit more. Last night I went out to a bonfire for lag baomer. It was very hard - I watched a whole bunch of kids happily dancing and having a great time. i though to myself - "there was a time when I was like that. I could go out and not have this burden hanging over my head, feeling like I'm living a double life." I literally almost cried. I would give anything, literally anything, to feel like that again. there is nothing I want more on this planet than to feel in control and pure and able to go out and hold my head high like I used to. I just have not been able to get there.

Welcome

We all have different stories, but very similar bottom lines.

so, what have you been doin' to help curb your desire?

It's nice to post and that is a very good first step.

Action, however, is required.

the good chevra above pointed you to a few good places to start.

You said, "you would give anythin' to stop."

Let us see that thru......findin' a partner, sponsor, phone conference, therapist, SA group, etc.

Let us know

b'hatzlachah

I have mostly been doing personal things to try to stop - filters, reporting software. I did actually just start going to a psychologist. But of course, classic me, the day after I went to the psychologist for the first time, I fell really badly. I don't know what it is, but every time I come up on something either really exciting or really stressful, I have a crazy urge to fall. It's very frustrating. I don't know if I can ever see myself going to a meeting. That would be excruciatingly hard for me.

The thing is that when I am out on the street, I very rarely see someone and have very bad thoughts. It's more when I'm alone and stressed.

Continue with the professional.

Listen to what the others have said here.

Keep the filters and monitors on full blast..

Don't forget: You will do anything' to get over this.

Btw, you have no problems on the street? Bless you! How do ya' do it? What's the secret?

Thanks

b'hatzlachah

HEY
WELCOME
WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE

BY SOME OF US IT'S SO SIMPLE THAT WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT THAT WE MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN TO MENTION IT

SO I AM

WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH IT
THE DEPRESSION
THE LUSTING
THAT ENDLESS SEARCH FOR "THE" IMAGE
THE DESPERATION
THE SHAME

THE WISH I COULD JUST SLEEP FOREVER
OR HAVE SEX FOREVER
OR DIE AND BE DEAD
OH IT SUCKS

LIFE AS AN ADDICT


BUT MANY OF US ON THIS WEBSITE HAVE RECOVERED
THERE IS HOPE

STICK AROUND
BE OPEN TO THE WONDERS!

To Cordnoy - I honestly don't know. I think it may be because my problem comes from a deeper idea that I feel lonely often and I want to have a deeper connection with someone. The only time I ever really have issues is when I'm alone with my computer. I feel lonely and I am so used to using porn as an outlet to feel "connected" to something that I have crazy urges. I don't know if it's a sexual thing as much as a "connecting socially" thing. So yeah, I can't really relate when I'm reading how people have unfortunately sunk so far that they would go to strip clubs or call phone sex lines. I have never done that and I honestly don't think I ever would.

Me neither, I never did any of those things. But i still got problems which manifest themselves in a lust problem. For example to escape stress, i lust. Perhaps you too. We can't neglect the manifestation (lust) while working on our underlying issues, which is really the key to recovery, by the way. Maybe you really aren't an addict. I cant speak for you. But perhaps just working on your lonely issues won't make lust go away.

Oh I definitely am an addict. I have been struggling with this for 5-6 years. I have probably smashed 10 laptops over the last 2 years out of frustration. I will go to a store, buy a tablet, use it and then return it. I did that about 5 times last summer after I had voluntarily given up my laptop. It has absolutely affected my school work, my relationships with other people. That is the vicious cycle - I want so much to be pure and socialize. But I'm lonely and turn to porn and then I DON'T want to socialize because I feel so disgusted with myself. So I stay alone and fall again and again. I just can't stop. When I fall, I will stay in bed the entire day falling again and again and eating junk food. So I would categorize myself as an addict. but maybe I would say that I'm strictly a porn addict and not an all-encompassing sex addict. But that porn addiction is very, very strong.

I too felt, and at times continue to feel alone, and that I'm missing that connection with someone. It's so important to therefore connect with friends, other guys who, believe it or not, probably have similar issues. You need that solid group of guys who will be there for you. It creates a warm and safe atmosphere in which to function. It can literally be the difference between day and night. I think that I personally turned to porn and the such when I felt like I wasn't popular, that I had no friends, that everyone else was better, etc. But when I read How to Win Friends and Influence People, I realized that the key to the happiness I lacked was easily found in establishing that group of friends. Remember, we're all in this fight together. You have many friends here at GYE who are rooting for you, and want to see the best YOU that you can be. You're amazing and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Please keep posting. A friend wants his friend to tell him when things aren't well, but he wants to hear even more when things go right. All the best! You got this one!

Thank you everyone for your warm words of encouragement! This was a good day for me. Tomorrow is day 3. May Hashem give me strength to keep it up.

ditto what shomer bro said but also Is there someone you can speak to? A close rebbi or friend. Perhaps a therapist is also a good idea.

dms1234 - I very recently started going to a psychologist. I've only gone once and I fell really badly that day right when I got home - I can't explain it. I am scheduled to go back to him, but I'm not sure how much he will do for me.