Sorry that I've been absent from the boards since Shavuous. I fell a few times, and will be detailing those episodes to the best of my recollection in the coming posts (B"N).

we would have liked the details before the falls (so we could have prevented them)...not now.

b'hatzlachah

TalmidChaim wrote:

cordnoy wrote:
we would have liked the details before the falls (so we could have prevented them)...not now.



Welcome back TalmidChaim,

Cordnoy: I think what TC might have meant by "the details" was what situation brought about the falls, and how he did or did not react to those situations, both before and after.
These details can still be useful in 2 ways at least:
A: Encouraging others by showing that these situations are not uncommon, and that "they are not alone".
and B: Others may be able to use these details as both warning signs and ideas in dealing with similar situations.

cordnoy wrote:


agreed halfway we would have liked the details before, BUT they are always welcome:cheer:

true....but we can't prevent somethin' we don't know about.

that bein' said....I am continuin' my stupidity of this mornin'.....in a dangerous spot.

Hey All,

Okay, I'm still analyzing the past falls, which proved to be, though quite disheartening, very insightful. After a full week of sobriety, even in the face of some temptation, I succumbed not to lust, but rather, to anger. It was a stupid trigger -- something I had spent 15 minutes writing was permanently deleted -- and almost immediately, I thought to myself: "Whatever...I'm going to go fall (to paraphrase my actual thoughts)." That event, pre-Shavuous, precipitated a cascade of falls, of random -- though not so random, in hindsight, maybe -- moments of weakness.

I neglected, once again, to post immediately about the details of every fall, a commitment I made to myself that I have been pretty lax about lately. However, I did gain some insight into what's going through my head immediately before a fall: and it's just frustration, immature anger. I never made that connection before, but it's pretty clear that lust was a coping mechanism for being annoyed.

Of course, idle time is still an issue for me as well.

I'm going to join some of the phone conferences (b'li neder) and step things up a bit now (I know, ambiguous strategy, but I need to really think about this).

Thanks, once again, for your support and love!

From the White Book:

Also, nudging us to reach for our drug are such things as a heightened state due to anything from compulsive work, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, excitement, or haste, to such things as stimulating foods or beverages or even intellectual or aesthetic excitement. What we seem to be discovering is that just about anything can become a trigger, indicating that there's an underlying pathology driving our thinking and behavior. This can help us see how the whole person must be involved in recovery. Recognizing and accepting our limitations thus become crucial to recovery.
Susceptibility to such triggers is one factor behind our use of the program slogan HALT-Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Angry. Anger, resentment, and negative thoughts toward ourselves or others create the inner disturbance that isolates us and sets us up for our drugs.

b'hatzlachah in recovery

I can completely relate, it's happened quite often, especially when it's something to do with the computer not working!! It even makes perfect sense!!

We (unintentionally) believe that we are in control of life, and even when life proves us wrong, we try to deny it!! So when such things happen we get upset, life is upsetting our entire way of life!!!

So much more so with things that should work perfectly, i.e. computers!! Computers can almost run an entire city by itself, they are supposed to be flawless, listening to our every command whenever we put anything in (for good or not )!! So then something happens, and even there life shows us who's really in charge, or for sure who's not in charge!!

It's only normal to have to escape such a life to one where we are in control, namely......PORN/LUST!!!

That is essentially the basis of the 12 steps (as written very clearly in the white book), to give up our will to the will of Hashem, to realize and live the fact that we are not in control of anything. (almost anything, Hashem did put us in control over our actions, our decisions, but that's all, and even that is a good idea to ask Him to take care of since we have sort of abused that privilege.)

KOT!! KOL(earning)!!!!!!

Thank you so much, guys...both of your posts really put things in perspective. Heightened states of being, emotional, physical, etc., just set things up for a fall. This calculus is going to be trickier than I thought.

I recently came to the realization that, with respect to many things in my life, I am downright lazy. I'm not going to try to couch that diagnosis in any highfalutin, psychoanalytical terms; I'm just lazy. When there's something I want to do, I do it, right away; and when there is something I do not want to do, I procrastinate. I don't like the feeling of having a task, even a mildly annoying one, on my to-do list, so I simply ignore it, and bury it deep in the recesses of my mind. Eventually, it gets done (well, sometimes, to be honest), but usually it takes the stress of a looming due-date to jar me from my blissful state of denial. This character trait manifests itself in all areas of my life: education, work, family, learning (I usually finish my daily daf of Gemara right before the next day starts), chores, and now, I'm realizing, recovery.

I love posting on GYE, walking the walk and talking the talk of a recovering addict. I love reading all of the brilliant chiddushim, delving into the psychological and philosophical aspects of addiction, and waxing intellectual about my problems. But now I realize that this has only made me...an armchair recovering addict!

I don't like the hard work that really matters, the actual process of recovery. I don't like the minutes, hours...days of deprivation involved, the avoidance of indulgence, in its many forms, the profound overhaul of my mental constitution -- my behavior, my thought-processes -- that has to happen. Even when I take it day by day, or minute by minute, it's hard work. Recovery is work, often unpleasant work, and when it's fun (i.e., when my desires are at bay), then I'm working the program well, but when it becomes tedious (i.e., the second my desires come back with a vengeance), then I act out. At least that's been the pattern so far.

I realize now that I need to weather the storm a little, and feel what it's like. Since I started this program a few months ago, I've had some extended clean periods, but by and large, they were temptation-free. I need to ride out some serious temptations, and catalog those experiences in my brain. Simply put, I need to know what it's like to really push through a lust attack. Not that I am, in anyway, asking for a temptation to come my way (please, please don't!). But, given my history, they're never too far. And maybe if I gain this experience of fording the swamp, I'll be better equipped the next time.

As your signature states "lo bashamayim hi" it's not in the heavenly realms, i.e. thought and knowledge, it's in the action!!

Keeping track of the triggers are essential though, makes the battle all that easier if you know where the trenches are.

Have you been in touch with fellow strugllers? on the phone? in email?

Those are the best tools when I feel a trigger coming!! I am aware of it, I tell someone else to get out of my head, and ask Hashem for help!!

So let's get truckin'!!!!!

Thanks, Pidani. The one thing I have been doing, maybe too much, is cataloging the triggers and analyzing everything (everything!) about them. I have a lot of data. Maybe it's making me too up in my head, but I'm pretty aware of where and why I'm falling. The trick is actuating my resolve not to fall.

Oh, and you're right: I haven't taken advantage of my new friends here. I have spoken to people via email, and chatted via IM here, but never right before a fall. I need to reach out more, definitely!

dear talmidchaim,
i just wanted to tell you that it gives me a chizuk just to see that your resolve
lavi

i hear you. I struggle with Stress too. What helped me is a simple change in attitude. Instead of saying I can't i said I CAN!!!! I CAN DO IT!! That helped a little bit,

Also i try not "push" or fight my way through a lust attack. I try to chill, relax and take a deep breathe. I find fighting it, doesnt help me. But sometimes we definitely have to do something (or don't) even if we don't want to. As in work or not fall, even if it seems like we should give in. But i like to calm down. All this lusting really is tiring.