welcome back
I sent you an email the other day

Thanks, Una. Got it and replied. You're a tzaddik, and it means so much to me that you care enough to reach out. I'll do my best (B"N) to make it on here more, and stay connected even after I fall.

I'm thinking of dialing in to one of The Big Book phone conferences, even though they're probably mid-cycle. I just have to find a time when I'm guaranteed some privacy. I might just have to listen in. But it'd be an important leap forward for me.

but mine, you didn't!!?

thenewme613@hotmail.com

i'm expectin' one on motzei shabbos

Sorry, Cordnoy!!!! Had I know that you had sent one, I would have hurried to my inbox. Around when did you send it?

So I just reviewed my GYE email account and noticed some unopened emails from forum members, some going as far back as November. Regrettably, I was a bit of a shmendrik when it came to this, and gave up reading emails when things weren't going 100% for me. It was really, just, dumb on my part, and I sincerely apologize to all of those who took the time to send a message to my email account.

Not considering that there were people here who were concerned for and thinking about me was just another dimension to my selfishness, one I never considered. I now know how much you guys care, and I won't let that happen again (B"N).

Again, thank you so much, and I'm very, very sorry! If I didn't respond to your email, please let me know that you sent it. I have around 380 unread GYE related emails, and I'd like to go through all of them over the next few months.

My suggestion would be to start readin' some material.
See how you relate to it.
Skep's Tips.
GYE handbook (in my signature)
Skep and DMS faq's (in my signature)
Whitebook (on homepage)

see what speaks to you.

let us know please

b'hatzlachah

Yeah, reading's on the agenda too. I'm going to order the White Book and maybe even the Big Book. I like having hard copies. This cannot be a casual hobby.

Well, back to 0 clean days

I fell this morning. Absolutely no stimulus for the fall except for the quiet urges running inside my head. I was alone with my thoughts, I suppose. Anyway, I'm feeling motivated to stay the course, and keep up with the program. My resolution after this last, months-long hiatus, is two fold: After a fall...

(1) Stay active in the GYE community (post, message members, update the count), and...
(2) Stem the tide of the depressive, creeping failure mentality.

Usually, a fall opened up a world of depression for me. I would think, "The day's lost, I might as well act out again, and again, and again. I'll start clean tomorrow." Well, no more. From now on (B"N), a fall is an isolated incident. The millisecond after I fall, I am clean again, and working on total sobriety. No rationalizations; no mutagenic failures, that spiral into binges. I'm cauterizing the fall, and starting clean this very second!

Hello
Sorry for the fall. I know the feeling I fell after 118 days but

Step one honesty Good move

step two brush off Good move

step three What were you doing now and what will you different in this same situation
so that you can KOMT

Hi

Sorry you had a fall - I know the feel all too well. The attitude you have to not wait but rather get back in is great. I also respect the ideas you have for change.
I do want to recommend that you visit in your mind what really triggered the fall. I know that with me it was usually allowing something small - almost nothing - to enter my mind - or a look somewhere that appeared almost harmless- and then suddenly it was the hole in the damn grew and that let in the powerful rushing waters of destruction.
If we can pinpoint these seemingly "small things" - triggers if you will-then we can better protect ourselves.

A subtle trick of the Y"H is to say I am not waiting one second I am jumping right back. I will not let my fall hold me back from my success that I know I can have. But during this well meaning rush to get back in the game- we don't take the time and effort - to analyze our fall and see what really made the hairline fractures that led to our demise.

No one knows you like you do.

By re tracking your steps and being brutally honest you'll develop a much stronger defense.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks for the advice, Yiraishamaim and Yidtryingharder! Both your points are very well taken.

You're both kind of suggesting the same thing: isolate where I went wrong, and do my best to avoid that thought and/or behavior. This time around, I can't remember the single line of thought that precipitated the event, though I had felt urges creeping in the previous day. I think stress and frustration just got the better of me, and I let my guard down. I was also alone, and gave into the bad habit of entertaining trite rationalizations of how acting out in such and such a way, in such a such an environment, isn't that bad. Well, obviously, it was (and is).

Right now, I'm doing my best to gain a solid footing back on course. Like I said, in the past, it's hard to go from a fall to a clean streak without at least a few self-pity indulgences. So far, though, so good: I haven't given into temptation, though it's been screaming at me to do so since this evening. I'll just hang around here and look for Chizuk!

Thanks Again!

saw your quote in your signature.

While I am a big believer in tryin', workin', doin' and ultimately succeedin', dependin' on your level of addiction, and I know where I am - there is certainly a part of this recovery that IS 'bashamayim' -- we gotta connect to Him, and let Him do His job.

b'hatzlachah

Hey Cordnoy,

I'm starting to realize that too, gradually. Maybe I should I remove that quote from my signature. However, it's my favorite line from the Talmud, and a passage I think about, a lot. I use it, largely, to define my role in the universe as a Jew, which, I believe, is why our Sages chose to include it.

I think, in terms of my struggle, I need to remind myself that there are some things -- just some -- that I could do, and must do, to create the right conditions for recovery. That doesn't mean, of course, that it's all up to me. But for those areas of which I need to be mindful, I need to bring to bear the full might of my resolve. Guarding my eyes, for instance.

But I'm very open to discussing, even debating, this, as it's one of those paradoxes with which I'm constantly wrestling.

Ahhhh! Too much thinking! Kryptonite!
Don't worry so much, just do what works.
Kol Tuv

Yeah, thinking has definitely been my Kryptonite lately, haha! Thanks for putting in terms I could relate to :-)