Hi There,

My name is Tzvi; you can read a bit of my backstory in my introduction here. Yesterday was my 3rd day clean, which I've heard is one of the tricky points (3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months). I have noticed that, while the first 2 days went by rather easily, today and yesterday have been quite difficult, in comparison.

I go to a public university in Canada, where there are many immodestly dressed girls and women. I have been struggling with fantasies, but, as I keep reverting my attention to avodas HaShem, I realize that it's not the fantasies that are driving my desires; I simply want to act out. I feel my heart racing, and I start panicking, breathing heavily. I notice myself looking for ways I can sneak aside and watch ___.

I've been finding it relaxing and reassuring that, even if I wanted to watch ___, I have filters and accountability (with my Rav as the partner) set up on all of my devices. I saw that there's a big red button on the GYE website, that I have in mind to press if I feel like I'm ממש losing control, although I haven't gotten to that point yet. I certainly would have fallen a couple times by now if it weren't for my filters, and this forum to come read when I'm having troubles.

Thank you everyone for your tips. I ordered a hard copy of the Handbook, express delivered, and I should have it here by tomorrow. I'm hoping to read through the book, and work through the techniques to see what works best for me, and make up a backup plan, just in case.

I've realized that, in general, I have a problem with addictive behaviors. I struggle with oversleeping, overindulging in food, and spending hours in the bathroom reading interesting math textbooks. I think that I have something I'm trying to "hide" from in life, and this is one of my escape mechanisms. I live in a small town, so the only therapy options here are goyishe therapists at my school, who have very strange views on mast, mixed socializing, etc. (they think it's healthy, and everyone should do it often). Do any of you have ideas for therapy online or over the phone? Maybe some good books, videos, or audio clips for me to read?

Thanks guys,

Tzvi

There are phone conferences. Check it out under the "Tools" menu. I have some good reading material in my signature too.

If you think you need SA groups, they have them all over. Also, a good therapist who is trained in addictions should be able to understand. I'm not sure how to find a good one. Maybe someone else can help with that. Can your rav help you find one?

Hatzlacha!

You are on your way. Don't look back. Do whatever it takes. Oh, and relax and enjoy life! (Being too serious or hard on yourself can lead to acting out)

Have a great Shabbos!

Hey Tzvi, nice to "meet" u and kudos for having the courage to post.
A few questions u may wanna ask yourself before u decide how to proceed
1) am I an addict? There are a few ways to know gye has much reading material and even a 20 question test that can help u know where ur holding in ur struggle
2) have you printed out or read the handbooks? (either) they are amazing really helpful and insightful
3) just a statement but in my opinion its where I went wrong for almost the past 2.5 years... ITS NOT ABOUT A STREAK OF SOBRIETY its about getting ur sexual fantasies and impulses under control, getting ur mind in a safe place where even if u mess up once this week or month or year that mess up was then and not being prepared in ur head for hours days or months before hand. Of course that doesn't mean messing up is ok HECK NO no matter what happenes at all odds do what u can to ensure ur sobriety. As they say in AA - no matter how Badly u wanna mess up don't! Even if ur bottom feels like its gonna fall off, don't worry it won't, but if it does pick it up and bring it to the next AA meeting with u.
There are many many more qualified people on this site then me I'm just trying to tell u what I'm trying to do hopefully this will work for u but definitely ask another person, maybe dov, for advice... don't worry ur in safe hands here!

Welcome to your diary!!

It's really a great place, if updated constantly it can be used to learn about ourselves, about our triggers, about what brings us to lust in the first place!

tzvip wrote:


Intersting, I just realized this. I have a golden life, really. One couldn't ask for better, those who know me would agree (right?). YET, I still find myself lusting, and for the same reason....to escape.

There is not one "something" in life that I am trying to hide from, it is any uncomfortable situation that I'm not interested in facing that sends me to the place of akuna matata. They (my "triggers") change constantly, what has to chagne is my outlook of life, I have to grow up, be ready to accept life and enjoy the ride. BH, I'm doing much better than I was a year ago, and still working, Progress not perfection!

KOP!!!

KOMT!!!

This Shabbos was very inspiring. I told a friend of mine a bit about my struggle, and he was very understanding. He's been through a bit of a similar problem, and gave me some good tips.
I have come down with a cold, BH, so I feel like HaShem has heard my cry for teshuvah, and is giving me more of an opportunity to grow. Nonetheless, I'm trying to remember to take things one day at a time.
I printed out the GYE newsletter this Shabbos, and some of the insights really opened my eyes to concepts I'd learned a while ago, but never really clicked. For example, Shaarei Teshuva disusses, in the second principle of "forsaking sin", that, while regret may work for an occasional sinner, an addict can't even begin to work on regret until they are sober. I didn't read it this way before, but the more I start thinking about my sexual urges as an addiction, and not simply a character flaw, the more things start to make sense for me.
I had a nighly emission on Shabbos, which nromally would have made me feel depressed, but GYE's definition of a "fall" specifically targets "intentional" emissions, which I suppose makes more sense. I found the meditation brought down in Kitzur Shulchan Aruch to be very motivating: "רבונו של עולם, עשיתי זאת שלא בכונה, רק בהרהורים רעים ובמחשבות רעות. לכן יהי רצון מלפניך, ה' אלהי ואלהי אבותי, מחק ברחמיך הרבים עון זה, ותצילני מהרהורים רעים וכיוצא בהם לעולם ועד, אמן וכן יהי רצון" (Siman 151, Se'if 5).

I suppose I should go to sleep now, so as to try to stay in a regular schedule. I find the order, especially in regulating my sleep sycle, to be very helpful in giving me strength and alertfullness to make it through the day.

I'm still clean for today. This is the longest I've been clean in a very long time, and I already feel like I'm thinking a bit clearer. Ive been working on strengthening my avodas halev, and meditating more in and around my tefillah. I've been picking up some various meditations for shemonah esrei on teshuva and building my relationship with HaShem.

I've been working on shmiras ainayim as well, which I think I did a good job with today. I had a job interview which was scheduled to be with a female interviewer, so I was preparing myself mentally for dealing with that, and figuring out how to address shomer negiyah. B"H, in the end, it ended up being 2 male interviewers, and the interview went really well.

Later today, I went to a seminar at my school on sleep hygene, and how to set up a proper sleep schedule, etc. I feel like working on my sleep schedule will give me more energy during the day to fight my yetzer / addiction. Tiredness gives me an extra challenge sometimes.

I started listening in on Shlomo's Big Book phone conference last night, and I found it quite inspiring. I've used some of our discussions to propel my kavana in davening today, and, during the call, I felt like I was part of a really close chevra, even though I had only met the others in the call for the first time last night. It was very strengthening to feel a part of a larger support group, especially hearing personal examples from the other guys of what they were going through.

I'll end quickly, because I have to get a bit of work done before tonight's call: When I first started with GYE last Sunday (the 3rd), the Idea of an "addiction" as opposed to simply a "tough fight", etc. was a very uplifting Idea, and I wasn't hesitant to share it with certain close friends. However, in the last few days, I've realized that there's a bit of friction in my accepting just how severe this addiction really is. I know, deep down, that my addiction was somewhat severe, because of where it brought me (prostitutes, videos, etc.), and how out of control I felt, but it seems that some part of me wants to feel like I wasn't so bad, and that seems to be keeping me from sharing my experience with certain people (less close friends, friends of friends who are strangers to me, etc.) Is this normal? Does anyone have some tips for internalizing and understanding the nature of my addiction?

Thanks,

Tzvi

I have one tip, really, I'm not being sarcastic.

LEAVE THE LABEL OUT OF IT!!

Don't try giving yourself a label, what's the point?

The only thing you should worry about is not being hinest with yourself, and YES!!! I do relate to that very well, not wanting to look at myself as being that bad. But, those pointers that you point out tzvip wrote:

why do you think it is necessary to share with everyone? Why would you do that something that can hurt you, your current family, and your future family?

All that is needed is honesty with safe friends, like on the call, and then to take the necessary step of action to deal with it.

KUTGW!! KOMT!!

Thank you Pidaini,

Let me clarify a bit. A friend of mine has a friend who he thinks is going through a similar struggle to me. When I heard this, in my mind it sounded like a good idea to be introduced to this friend, but, something just shifted emotionally, and I felt scared to meet / share with this person. I suppose that's normal, but wouldn't it be healthy for me to meet others going through a similar struggle to me?

tzvip wrote:
Very normal. It's the part of us that tries desperately to stop us from getting the help we need. "Am I really an addict"? "I'm having a relatively easy time right now". "If I can just continue this streak"... Periods of sobriety and doubt are completely normal.

One thing that can help with clarity is to simply write down your acting out history from the first time until the last, and then share it with a safe person. Seeing it black on white and saying it out loud will make a BIG impression. I did it on dov's phone conference a while back. It was a real eye opener. Not so easy, but well worth it.

If you decide to do it, please let us know how it went.

Love,

gibbor

I am a little late but Welcome!! First off, its nice to meet a fellow Canadian. I also go to university (also in Canada) so you bet immodestly dressed girls are a problem for me (although i find i am more attracted to frum girls)

Its sounds like you are doing very well. Keep on going! Keep on posting!!

Please, feel free to message me, it seems like we have similar problems