Hi there,

My name is Tzvi, and I suppose I'm on the young side for this site: I'll be turning 18 in אדר ב. I suppose I should start by thanking HaShem for leading me to this site at this point, as I fear what my life might look like, even by the time I am 20, if I continue along the path I've been taking for the past few years.

My struggle started around the time of my Bar-mitzvah. I was not particularly observant, although my single mother (who raised me) is traditional, and we attended a Modern Orthodox shul from the time I was in kindergarten. HaShem has blessed me with various intellectual gifts, and I was in the middle of my first year of high school (grade 9) at the time. Being computer “literate” from a young age, I knew my way around the internet, and I started to look at various free “movies” online. I had never masturbated before, but these videos still seemed somehow intriguing, and, before long, I had discovered masturbation. At the time it seemed like the best idea, but as my addiction started to develop, I found myself, one morning in grade 11, at home, by myself (my mom was on vacation), at 4 in the morning, with a prostitute who I had convinced that I was 18.

Luckily for me, I had a friend that I could talk to, and, after this happened a second time, he gave me the “advice” to just masturbate without any stimulation, and at least make sure it didn't get “that” far.

I was learning in a VERY small Jewish day school for high school (I was one of 6 in my grade), but some of my friends (my age, from a lower grade) were more religious, and so the school started an “advanced Judaics class”, which meant: “basic introduction to Gemarrah skills”. I asked to join that class, because “all of my friends were in that one”, and this opened the opportunity for the Rabbeim who taught the class (different for grade 11 and 12) to m'karev me. Baruch HaShem, I now keep Shabbos and Kashrus, but I never could seem to “beat” that sex addiction.

I really felt this was a unique issue I had, and there was noone who understood or could even understand. I felt that I couldn't tell my parents or rabbis, because going to a prostitute is both illegal and may more immoral than I thought they could handle about me. As I became more connected with HaShem in other areas, I felt our distance in this area, but, at this point, no mussar or chassidus seems to help. Maybe it helps for a week, or a day, or even a few hours, but I soon find my “dark side” kicking in, and I feel like there's nothing I can do.

On Saturday night, after Shabbos, I had just had a successful 6 days of sobriety, when I found myself “lusting” on the internet, and again, and twice more on Sunday morning. After the 4th time within, say, 10 hours, I realized that my current plan wasn't really working for me.

Luckily for me, this time, whatever phrase I “Googled” led me to GYE, and the day was still young, so I decided to devote the day to seeing what this site had to offer, and if I could put any of it to use. Boy was I wrong! One can't possibly go through all of this information in a single day, or even just one week. Baruch HaShem, the more I read on GYE, the more I realize that I am NOT alone, and that maybe there is hope after all.

Today I'm working on my 3rd day sober, and IY”H, with the support of this site (which I've more heard about than experienced at this point), I'll be able to make it through at least 90 days, and have a clearer mind to REALLY focus on the problem, and not just to be driven by immediate, right-after-the-fact guilt.

- Tzvi

Welcome Tzvi!!!

You have certainly come to the right place, a place where you are not alone, far from it. We are all in the same boat here, struggling with lust, learning what Hashem wants from us.

One of our great motto's is "One day at a time", nothing is more important than just staying clean now, just for now, even if I know that I won't be clean tomorrow, I wouldn't give away being clean now.

Do you see the problem to be only on the internet? How's shemiras einayim on the streets? Are there fantasies going on a lot in your head? In other words, we really need to know what to label as "lust" in order to learn about it completely.

Keep on Posting!!!

and

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

Hi Tzvi.
Your honesty and openness impresses me.
Welcome aboard!

Do you have a plan for your journey? What to stay away from, what to get close to?

WELCOME tzvip! Your opening post is so beautiful and honest. Stick around. There is a lot to learn here (as you are finding out). I have some great links in my signature including the handbook and the Dov "Quotes" section.

Keep sharing and reading. You are fortunate to reach out for help now while you are young. I suffered for over twenty years and got caught looking at porn after over a decade of marriage. B"H, I am sober for about 4 1/2 years now (since June 8, 2009).

Take it from those of us older than you. Do whatever it takes now! It only gets more difficult and more complicated later.

The good news is there is help available, and many people worse off than you are now in recovery and sober for a long time.

It's great to have you with us!

welcome and hatzlocha Tzvi.

Thank you Pidaini,

I've been trying the "One day at a time" motto you mentioned, and I think it's making a difference. Every time I feel myself thinking "Seriously? I can never do this again in my life? I might as well do it once more, and then start sobering up", I've been telling myself "Wait a minute! It's not for forever, it's just for today".

I've also noticed the problem on the streets, and when I walk through buildings. I often find myself imagining an erotic scenario playing out, and I'm trying to catch that early before it leads to a fall.

I have a problem that keeps coming up where I think: "this would be easier if I were married", and then find myself spacing out and imagining that scenario playing out. I'm working on understanding that no circumstances would make this go away; that it's an addiction, and the only way to beat it is to beat it.

Thanks for the encouragement

Thank you also gibbor120 and TehillimZugger,

I'll be sure to spend some time looking at that link to the handbook. I just bought a tablet the other day, and I'm using it to highlight and make notes in the pdf.

In terms of TehillimZugger's question about a plan, I don't have it all sorted out yet, and I'm sure I never will, but I'm starting to piece things together little by little. I'm looking to join in some of the phone conferences, and seek out inspiration before I come to an intense point of struggle. I've also started exercising once every other day to keep my energy level up, and listening to music while I walk to/from school and while I do chores, to keep my mind from wandering to much besides the psukim in the songs

Thanks again!

I made the mistake of marriage....waited for that to help, two years into it realized that it wasn't doing much good and finally came to GYE.

As you wrote, it's not about sorting it out, it's about the action. Joining telephone conferences, calling people, opening up, talking to Hashem. Action is where it's at.

What about filters? It's not the solution, but it is certainly necessary to get us started.

KOMT!!!

One Day at a Time!!!

hi tzvi welcome!

very impressed how open and honest your being at such a young age we (the older guys) would be at a much better place if we would figure this out a couple of years back so thank hashem you made it here at this point.

as pidaini said the marriage thing is not the solution at all i too made that mistake.

so hang out on the site and youll find amazing info that could really get you out of the mess.

kol tuv keep up the good work!

Pidaini


How is one to know he won't be clean tomorrow? One shouldn't have that certainty in mind today.

If we think to ourselves, "I'll fall tomorrow, but right now, today, I'll be clean," we are most likely whiteknuckling, aka, being a dry drunk, because you could bet your bottom dollar we are spending today anticipating that fall tomorrow.

Rather, we should think, "Today, I am clean. Will I fall in the future? Who knows - I don't care. The only thing that concerns me right now is making the right choices right now."

Welcome Tzvi!

Welcome, New Members! is a great place to start.

Thanks for clarifying what I meant, skep!!

It's good to know that I don't need to clarify everything......for others will do it for me

"A quotation is a good thing to have handy, it saves one the trouble of thinking for one's self"
-A.A. Milne