Thanks everyone for your responses. It has really made me feel uplifted today. I know that G-d gave the 10 commandments because he wants to provide us the best possible lifestyle to live. I don't picture myself becoming religious but I'm glad I discovered about Judaism and GYE to help me overcome my addiction. Its just hard to start forgiving myself and moving on (not just because of the sin but morally as well). My rabbi just arrived back in Canada and I had a long conversation with him over the phone. I'll discuss more details about my progress after I catch up on some sleep.

canuckjew wrote:
Hold on, you just said that G-d gave us the 10 commandments (he gave us all 613 by the way) to provide the best possible way to live. In the next breath you say you don't picture yourself becomming religious.

G-d created the world and all the rules that govern it. He gave us instructions (the Torah), which if we follow them, provide the best possible life for us. Doesn't it follow then, that the best life we could hope to have comes from following the Torah? So, why don't you picture yourself becomming religious?

I know this site is not made for this, but I couldn't resist.

You can PM me if you wish and we can continue to correspond via email.

Been clean for 9 days so far and haven't been tempted once! Working at my new job has been keeping my mind of things. When I say "I know that G-d gave the 10 commandments because..." it means that I understand from the Jewish standpoint this is true. I don't completely agree with the Torah but that is all part of my own self-discovery of Judaism. I'll avoid contradicting sentences and post more specific details of the porn addiction in the future.

May you have the continued strength to stay clean and explore through the elements of the study (and increased observance) of Torah, Avodah ( Tefilah) and Gmilus Chesed ( caring about one's fellow Jew , the Jewish community and awareness of how that impacts on opur relations with the Gentile world) , which have always been the pillars of Jewish existence.

No fall, no slip, none needed! Another sober day, you go dude!!! Baruch Hashem.

Its been day 14 and fortunately I haven't seen porn since the start of joining the 90-Day chart. I have been experiencing some porn withdrawal by having thoughts of just giving up and trying to convince myself that porn is normal (according today's Western society). Luckily I was able to pull myself together with some of the strategies I developed which have been keeping my lust thoughts at bay. I would like to share some of these strategies (some might already in GYE's handbooks).

1) When I felt desperate to just watch porn I asked myself "Is this really going to make me happy afterwords? In the past, I would feel gratified for a few minutes but then I would feel ashamed and disgusted for hours, days, and weeks after watching this filth. Is it really worth it?".

2) Usually my lust thoughts come when I am bored. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with doing work, watching "kosher" channels (something that won't trigger you), or reading some Torah related material.

3) If you see a very attractive woman and start to sexualize about them try to divert the thought into something less sexual like remembering that you would want to be with a woman whom you share personal interests. Sure being with a model is nice but ask yourself; would you really want to be with a "trophy" girlfriend/wife whom has nothing in common with you and only relate through meaninglessly, emotionaless sex? Or do you want a best friend that you can turn to for advice and support throughout your life?

4) Phone a friend, get out of the house and do something with them. Jogging, watching movies in local theatres, anything that can prevent you from being isolated.

5) Write on blogs and forums like this when something is really bugging you. Like what King Solomon said "if you have a problem, speak it out". Although you don't have to apply this literally (it would help nonetheless) typing out your problems on screen can help you analyze what problems you need to work on. The support groups (on GYE in particular) will try to address your concerns as soon as they can.

Hope that helps anyone.

I'm not sure if anyone experiences the following problem but lately, after I haven't seen porn in a while, I have been getting weird dreams related to my lust thoughts. Usually I don't dream at all but now I'm getting a bunch of sexual dreams. I'm not sure how to deal with the problem because I can manage my lust thoughts in the day but a night I can't control what I dream. Any suggestions?

I think that many will confirm that sleeping on yourb back or stomache can result in your waking up sexually aroused. If you have to sleep on your back, as I do for medical reasons, try reciting a Tefilah by heart, especially a long one. You just might fall asleep before a porn induced fantasy leads you to masturbation, as it happened to me all too often prio to my deciding to seek help with a therapist and the great chevra here.

I had those dreams too and it was scary. I also had sex with women in my dream and had keri then. I got really worried and frustrated, thinking I could control it - because at one or two times I could even control it, I could walk away from a woman in my dreams using the 12 steps. This is crazy, no... I can't control my lust at daytime, what alone at nighttime. Helpless truly, we can only turn tu Him.

So the guys here told me, that a dream is a dream. Even if you have keri, it is ok. You can't control it, no matter how hard you try, to be honest. You just clean up and start the day, one day at a time.

Hashem grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

And they fade away. And it is ok, when they fade away. Cos we really don't die if we don't look at porn and masturbate.

canuckjew wrote:
It's not uncommon. Just keep taking recovery actions, and in time the dreams should go away as well.

Usually I sleep on my side and I'm not sure if it effects what I dream. I guess all it takes is time. A lot of my dreams don't make sense anyways so I'll try to ignore them and hopefully they'll go away.

It's very common to have such dreams when starting out.

I would just wake up, remind myself that it was just a dream, I didn't really do anything, and then just move on.

I have been doing well on my 90 day journey but feel depressed that I have even got myself in this situation. It just seems that even if do teshuva and stop watching porn the rest of my life, I'll still have those desires and live an unhappy life. Its seems like no matter how much I have changed and repented I am destined to go to Gehinnom because Hashem will always remember that I choose to watch porn instead of doing something productive. Why is Hashem giving me these challenges that are almost impossible to accomplish?

Depression is simply not allowed. You are where your thoughts are, and if you're down in the dumps, that's where you will likely be.

Why does having desires mean you need to live an unhappy life?

Do what you need to do, and leave the reward and punishment to Hashem. It's none of our business.

Hey there up north!

There are several flaws in your reasoning, but I shy away from arguing religion and hashkafos here.

The simple advise is that God wants from us one thing and one thing only....make the correct decision right now...for right now. That is it! You wanna worry about the coals? Go right ahead, but it wont get you anywhere; actually, it will. It will get you right back into the xxx rated movie theatre tryin' to forget about life for a while. It aint anyplace I'd wanna be now...been there, done that.

Focus on what He wants from me right now, and truthfully, forget about Him (for this reasoning), what do you want right now?

I know what I want.....

b'hatzlachah