After a long, terrible streak of falls the past few months, i've returned. kinda embarrassing actually. I just broke up with a GF after many months. been incredibly difficult the past week and a half. Surprisingly, inspired by the relationship, i've been clean the past 11 days - a long shot from my old habits. it's already a miracle i've made it this far without any slips.

my game plan is taphsic, foruming, chizuk emails, k9 filter and trying to find direction in my life. my life has basically gone to the trash. i'm not finding meaning and feel incredibly distant from G_d due (primarily for intellectual reasons). I'm turning away from all that garbage and trying to find a relationship with Him again that I can be proud of. I'm studying for MCAT these days and am pretty stressed out. Have been using the internet as my escape for many months, which has caused me to push off the test and feel even worse about myself and need further fix to escape.

so here I am, trying to find myself. looking for friends. trying to stay busy after this breakup. took time to mourn and now deleted all pics, letters and stopped correspondence. I'm actually diagnosed with obsessive thinking so leaving this all behind has been tough. Gonna need lots of support in the coming weeks. Hope to make integrate back into the community here.

What could happen if you don't pass MCAT?

As you have written, stress is one of my biggest triggers, 'cause it sends me to seek some soother, some fresh air.

What I have been learning is that there is fresh air everywhere, and the stress is myself trying to control my life, and being disappointed when it doesn't go the way I planned. So I am learning to play along with what Hashem plans for me, I let go of expectations, and I find that I can breath normally.

Hatzlacha On your journey, we're all in this together!!

As far as what could happen.... I'd have to study for another three months. That would greatly disturb my parents and affect the amount of time I can focus on getting good grades in other hard sciences. So in truth, not passing is not a good thing at all (hence the stress).

I am more than aware that stress is the greatest contributor to my struggle. I'm trying to tap into letting fate take its course. I'm looking to meet with a psychologist pretty soon actually to get some of this stuff off my chest.

For right now, all my suffering in every facet of life is worth it for the goal of getting clean.

I want these 90 days badly

Great that you're ready to meet someone to help!!

As for "fate", I can only offer that you try bringing Hashem more into the picture. But that will have to be exactly that "bringing Him in", He is where you let Him.

I have found talking to Him to be a great help in that regard, as I wrote at length in the Talking to Hashem thread.

KOT!! KUTGW!!!

ya, small private tephillos are def important in this battle.
basically cut all contact out with my ex. I'm at 13 days now without any acting out. Having temptations to read up on sex education (obviously becasue i need to know all about those things before i'm married). realizing as im writing this how stupid it sounds. should hold me off for awhile.

in the mean time, i'm gonna go grab mincha. gonna try and make this one count

peace holy yidden

Badly want 90!?

we have been taught here to badly want 1, and that is today; that is all that counts.

great to hear that youre turning it around.

It should be b'hatzlachah

I hear, 90 isn't really the goal. the goal is to live a clean, productive life. It's tough right now is all. def shouldn't work toward the 90. My progress is solid but its hard for me to remember having much more stress in my life at any other point in time.

nearly fell 2x today. found myself on the wrong side of youtube again. Nothing explicit, just enticing. Amazing how tricky and slippery a slope this desire leads me on...

I'm gonna try and stay out of my room more tomorrow. Its a busier day. I also am gonna try and get to sleep at a much earlier hour.

in all honesty, I also thought that i'd just tease myself and not fall. That was what i wanted. a tease without a fall. so so so stupid. i knew it was dumb at the time. it's a miracle that i didn't fall. i guess im having trouble getting my life in order. its tough finding meaning and purpose right now is all. studying is just me sitting with my brain all day and that's not always pleasant. nor does it feel like it has meaning, even if the end goal does.

i guess lots of things in my life don't have meaning, but at least they're pleasurable. hard to push off instant gratification i guess.

thanks for the support bro's. hope to keep you updated some more

Been feeling pretty lonely lately. Hard to get out of my own head.

i just want release. not sure when it might come beside from falling

call a friend. listen to music. do some exercise. Or better yet, get together with a friend to listen to music and do some exercise .

ok, so i fell over shabbas... 3 times.

im wondering if anyone here has any thoughts on just SZ"L without looking at explicit materials. I think that would be healthy if I were to only slip once a week. If I know that I'll have a release soon, it makes braving the internet much easier. Falling on shabbas doesn't give me the option to look at explicit material.

Am I foolish for thinking I can tame the beast?

It's not so much how you lust that is the issue, it's lusting in the first place. Once we allow it, it's very difficult to let go, and likely end up where we started. Therefore, allowing ourselves any amount after any amount of time, is dangerous.

We must remember the basic rules:
אבר קטן יש באדם - משביעו רעב, מרעיבו שבע
The more you feed it, the more you need it.

Yes, it's hard to abstain completely. But, as Reb Nachman said, "If you are not willing to suffer a little bit, you will end up suffering even more."

והתקדשתם - והייתם קדושים
אדם מקדש עצמו מעט - מקדשין אותו הרבה
הבא לטהר מסייעין אותו

Hatzlacha

MT

Hi, chaver. Can we discuss a few things over PMs or emails? There are a few details I'd like to ask you that may not be safe and smart to discuss on the open forum.
Thanks,
Dov

You can tame the beast-one day at a time. I was where you are-reading, watching, doonwloading lots of porn and engaging in masturbation since my adolescence until I joined GYE almost 100 days ago as a husband, father and grandfather. Finding a therapist, and joining GYE and being able to discuss the issues with my wife, who gave me the ultimatum to look for help, gave me a lot of help. Work at the issues one day at a time, and you too can be on the Wall of Honor, and not just at the 90 day chart.