Pidaini,

I installed a filter on my computer the first day I got it. The filter works on nudity and porn, but since I've installed the filter I touch myself based on memory or pathetic things like actresses dressed how they normally dress.

Usually when I touch myself, I start and while I'm doing it I think "Hey, I should stop. What the heck, a little more won't do any bad." and then "a little more" turns into a lot more to the point where I can't stop.

I feel like I am definitely on the right track, but I need the extra push and motivation to just stop.

Another problem I have is, I don't want to have my GYE account or email linked with my phone because I don't want someone to go through my phone or have my phone when an email comes through and then they would know my struggle. I know it may be good for people close to me to know about this struggle, but I don't think I'm at that point, yet. No matter how necessary it may be, it's still very embarrassing and I don't want people close to me to know.

In the case that I start going out, which I don't think will happen anytime soon, and I still have a problem (Iy"H I won't) when it starts getting serious, then I feel like it would be necessary to tell and I would, but I'll cross that bridge (If it comes to that, once again Iy"H it won't) when I arrive at it.

Its really nice to know that I'm on the same page as some people.

Anyways, Today is Rosh CHodesh (Day 1 of 2). I have had a problem on ROsh Chodeshes where I fall much easier. Idk why. I fell today for the third day in a row, then I feel like I kind of woke up. Heres what I will do to improve:
-Davening:I am going to say one word at a time, just like I'm fighting one day at a time. I need to think of each word, and really connect to Hashem. There was a time that this came naturally to me, and not being able to do this as easily really hurts me.
-Situations: I will work harder to make sure I don't find myself in a case where i am alone and have access to an unrestricted computer. This is a recipe for disaster. I need to solidify all my taphsic methods and filters.
-Posting: Sometimes I'm just to lazy, forget, or don't have it in me to post. Therefore, I will write all my thoughts down every day on paper, and post a summary at the end. That is what I did today, and as you can see, I have a lot more to say. I try to post three things on the forum a day. I want to meet this goal.
-What if I fall again? I try not to think about it. But I might have to take some further steps. I haven't really told anyone about my problem, however people do know that I have had issues in lust in the past. I don't know whether these people think I got over the addiction or not. Changing my daily environment might also help. Being around better people can definitely help me.

Thanks for hearing me out!
Learning

Dearest Learning brother,

I feel for you, I can totally relate.

I ask you one thing, look back on this thread at every time that you fell and what you wrote about how you are going to take care of it. It looks strikingly similar to what you have just written.

So my question to you is, What is going to be different this time?

and to go into detail about what you wrote:

1) From my experience, when I'm in middle of daydreaming in middle of davening, I don't think about what I am saying. I wrote my experience of how my davening is changing in this thread.

2) We all try that, but Hashem sometimes wants us in situations that are trying, do you have a plan for those events?

3) That is a great idea (which you have already written), but once again, what's going to be different this time? you've written that before, is your willpower now so much stronger than it was last time, and the time before that, and the time before......

4) Next time you might have to take further steps? why is next time different then this time? why not take those steps now? call someone from here who understands you, who won't look down at you because of your struggle? get onto chat, PM me for my email address and chat there, do something different!!!

They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results.

Brother, you deserve it, and I feel for you.

LEARNING wrote:


Reb Nachman says that the reason Rosh Hashana fall on Rosh Chodesh is because Chazal say that every Rosh Chodesh Hashem says, "Bring for my sake a Korban Chatos to atone for my reduction of the moon". So this gives us chizzuk, that if Hashem (Kavyachol) repents for His so-called infraction, so can we.

So whether you fall much easier on Rosh Chodesh is irrelevant. What's important to realize is that we can get back on track much easier on Rosh Chodesh. Let's hop on to Hashem's monthly Teshuvah wagon and let's join the journey.

This can add meaning to the tefillah: השיבנו ה' אליך ונשובה

Hatzlacha,

MT

LEARNING wrote:
Of all the things you wrote, I think this one is the most important. I think this idea is nagging you, but you are trying to ignore it. Most of us do, until it gets so bad that we no longer have any choice in the matter.

Do you have a rebbi, friend, or parent you can talk to? Can you reach out to someone here on the forum?

gibbor120 wrote:

Once again, I find myself seconding gibbor120... and let me add this from my own experience... until I revealed my challenge in this area to others (my wife, my rav, my friend who also has this challenge), I feel like I was hiding it, at least somewhat, from myself. Only once I was willing to speak to others about my challenge in this area - and yes, feeling pain and embarrassment each time I did - did it start to open my mind to what I really needed to do.

That you are on here posting is a huge step in the right direction... but, my dear brother, there is more that you (and all of us) must do.

B'Hatzlacha rabba!

Gibbor120 and Tosfos,

Having somebody close to you know about your problem is a big thing and is probably the most efficient way to quit, but what if you don't feel comfortable telling anybody?

(Yes, I know this topic is an uncomfortable topic in general, but I don't feel like I have anybody who I can confide with. Last year, while I was in Israel, I had a Rebbi who I did feel comfortable with, but at that point I wasn't "ready" to quit and it seems like I missed out on a great opportunity)

SO today I didn't have time to write in the notebook, but I am working on making that time.

In response to gibbor120 and Tosfos:
You guys are right. I am sort of hiding form telling someone. However its more l that I don't want it to get to that point. I am very close to that point though. I feel like telling the prson I have in mind will help me, but it might hurt them. How will they react?

In response to Pidaini: Your questions are really good, and I am working on the answers and solutions!
Thank U all for your help

Today I had a pretty good day and I feel like I sealed with a lot of situations appropriately. However, I did get mad at some dum things, and I only realized afterwards. I know from experience that anger leads to depression. And that is a trap.

Great to hear!!

If I may offer my opinion, if the person you are going to tell may be hurt, why not talk to someone else first? someone from here, I think Dov and gibbor have offered numerous times to be called. See how that goes first, then it will probably help you and no one will be hurt, and then take it from there.

KUTGW!!! It's great that you are really trying!!

It's amazing that from all the times I've offered to speak to someone, I think I received maybe one or two actual phone calls. It is difficult, but it is powerful.

Reaching out to other real people for help. Sharing my real struggles. That by far, helped my recovery the most. And, it continues to help me the most. Reaching out to people is where the recovery is. It aint in our own heads. That I can tell you for certain!

TTA - Does your rebbi from last year have a phone? You could call him. It may actually be easier for you to open up over the phone. Is there anyone on the forum you could open up to? There are anonymous phone conferences that could be a stepping stone.

LEARNING - who are you thinking of telling? How could it "hurt them"?

If the problem gets bad enough, someone will find out eventually. The conversation may be much more painful at that point - speaking from experience .

Today I had such a busy day. Thank God. I honestly have't had the chance to fall. I hope to have more "free days"

In regard to sharing my problem: The person I have in mind is my father. I know he'll understand me, but I think that he might be disappointed. I just don't think that telling him will change that much. It will be 1000x easier (or better?) if I could do this on my own.

I agree, my father knowing never did anything for me. It was only after I opened up to someone else who had the problem that I could continueously call him and he understood me, that I started getting anywhere.

Do you know anyone who has done this "himself"? It was being "myself" that got me into the problem, the logical way to get the opposite of that, is by being with others, and that is what helped me.

As Dov says, don't wait until you're ready (that's already too late), do it a moment before you're ready (like now).

LEARNING wrote:
Of course it would be easier (read: more comfortable) if you could do it on your own. Do you beleive that you can do it on your own? Many of us could not start to recover until we admitted that we could not do it on our own and reached out for help.

I do not know if your father is the right one to tell or not. But, I have a big hunch that you need to tell someone.

This forum is awesome.
Everyone on it.
There is not one other place on earth that offers help so openly and easily.
I feel so welcomed and accepted. Being a part of this lets me know that I am on the right track.
All the help that you guys are giving me is definitely pushing me in the right way.
Today I feel like I was able to control myself. No problems. When I did make a mistake I knew it. That is huge for me. When I know that I;m making a mistake by looking or thinking or talking about something dangerous for me, I just don't get a kick out of it.

THANK YOU dudes

Today I made it to 4 days clean. It wasn't always easy, but I managed to do it!

I went into the city tonight to meet up with some friends. The city could sometimes be worse then the internet, so I was very nervous to go, but I impressed myself by not focusing on girls or any type of pritzus that is out there.

Because I managed to do so well in such a difficult setting, I am more confident in breaking my bad habits. Perhaps this is a trick from my Yetzer Harah to catch me off guard and put me at a high where I think I cannot fall, but I know that it will only be more difficult from here on in, so I won't fall. Not because I don't think I can, but because I think I can and I won't allow it!

I want to break free too badly to fall and end up at square one again! Ideally, I would like this process to be easy, but it won't be and I'm up for the challenge!

Too many times I have said "Iy"H I will break the habit" or "I'll try to break free", but it isn't Hashem's will that will break the habit, it is MY will that breaks it! Trying isn't good enough, I have to do!

Now onto the next 4 to break the habit for good!