Dear Forum,
Today is the day after Yom Kippur. I just had a fall. I feel like the dumbest person on earth.
Truthfully, I'm just tired of the ups and downs. I'm tired of that feeling that I know I'll fall soon, but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of starting over.
The worst part is that I know why I'm falling. Every time I fall, I am determined that "this was the last time" but after a few days the feeling goes away and I am no longer able to guard my eyes. This leads to me going into more risky areas: TV shows, etc.
Its a pattern I've gotten used too, and I hate it.
I've been trying to get to 90 days for what feels like ages now, but I can't get very far. Therefore, I have decide to post everyday on my journey. This is a new start for me. Please help me on my way, I need you.

Great start on your new journey,

The trick as you pointed out, is to just break that pattern.You know what makes the fall.Make a taphsic or kabbalah to keep away from it.Posting every day should help as well.


Hatzlacha! KOT and KUTGW

I think falls happen right after Yom Kippur, because we tend to feel on top of the world. We just had a day of davening, asking Hashem to forgive us, and in turn, that gets us to thinking that this time we really may be able to give it up completely. On some level, we become very full of ourselves and feel complacent. Then when real life comes back, we don't stand a chance.

We need to stop thinking about being over it. Be aware that the desire to do that stuff can come back at any moment. We need to work on our attitudes, so that we will be ready when it does.

LEARNING wrote:


Falling has nothing to do with your IQ. You are not dumb. Many smart people have fallen (just look at me ) We are insane, but not dumb. We need to make sure we don't become insane or at least try to not o the things that make us worse. Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing again but expecting different results.

LEARNING wrote:


May I make a suggestion:

You seem to understand quite well (at least that what it seems to me) that one thing leads to the next and after a few clean days you start engaging in behavior that will ultimately lead you step by step to the the bottom.

You have not yet accepted that you are not in control of this problem.

That's gonna give problems for a long time. But, you hit the nail on the head. This is a pattern that will keep on repeating itself unless you stop it.

This is what they mean that an alcoholic needs to avoid the first sip.

ok mussar shmuz aside

Last year to the day, I also fell. I know how you feel.

Get up, dust yourself off and move on. don't try to feel bad. there will be time for that later.

Just move one (with a plan of course)

Eli

Day1:
THx for the support dudes!

Today is day one in my journey. I've been having a little bit of a hard time watching where I look, but I think I'll be fine. I am in the midst of an attempt to finish tehillim in 3 days. This is good, because it keeps me occupied and helps me think about Torah rather than other stuff. Also this will put me at a good position going into Sukkot. I'm determined to stay clean today!

Thx,
LEARNING

Day 2:

So I've finished tehillim one day early! Anyways, I feel like I need to try harder guarding my eyes, and staying focused. I know I can do it, at least for today!

Day 3:

Today I was in the market. I was just sort of standing on the side next to the door. My eyes were wandering if you know what I mean. All of a sudden, an old man standing by the door who was asking for tzedakah got my attention. He pointed towards his eyes and shook his head. I knew exactly what he was trying to say.
Gosh that woke me up!
Sukkos is tonight. I guess now I have something to think about if I get caught off guard.

Day 15?:

Hey dudes,
I disconnected over sukkot and this was my first chance to get back. I knid of lost chance but the 90 day chart says I'm at 14 clean? I need to sit down and figure it out. Anyways, the struggle's been hard and I feel that if I don't get some chizuk or something to wake me up I will fall soon chas veshalom. Any advice?

Mazel tov on 15 days clean!

Keep it up!!

Why do you feel you're going to fall soon?

Day 16:

So it looks like this is the longest I've been in as long as I can remember!
I was thinking of falling, then I read a chizuk email and read some stuff on the forum. Thank Hashem I don't really feel the urge anymore. I think that I need to guard my eyes better, and fantasize less.

In response to skeptical:
I guess the long yom tov really got to me. I just feel that I have lowered my defenses!
It was so long since I posted here, and I felt kind of empty. I guess I need to get back up by staying clen today.

Thx

Glad you're feeling better!

a poster wrote"

"So it looks like this is the longest I've been in as long as I can remember!
I was thinking of falling, then I read a chizuk email and read some stuff on the forum. Thank Hashem I don't really feel the urge anymore. I think that I need to guard my eyes better, and fantasize less."

I have been clean since Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu-the longest that I have been without porn or masturbation ever. Every day that I am clean is a triumph and I can only say that the Yamim Noraim,Sukkos were extraordinary in that regard. I can only tell the married guys here that if you are open with your Eshes Chahyil and have an emotionally intimate relationship with her, your need for porn and masturbation will dissapear as the quality of your physical intimacy with your Eshes Chayil will help you realize that you do not need susbtitutes such as porn and masturbation. It is a an important and huge pyschological insight that unfortunately should not take years to realize, but is one of the fundamentals of a healthy marriage.

Day 1:

Unfortunately I fell yesterday.

Reasons I fell:
-there was a hole in filter that I forgot to patch!
-I think I was feeling to up about being clean for my longest time in a while.
-semi-kosher websites

Why I feel that I can still get up:

-this was the longest I've been clean in a while. I can use this experience as a springboard to get back up
-I didn't feel depressed after I fell. I know that I have Hashem and this forum. At the same time I am determined to continue and reach sobriety.
-I was able to go through the taphsic method so I only have to pay a normal knas

This is all I can come up with right now. I'm taking it one day at a time, but I can't do it without support!

Support is here!

Just a few thoughts, you said you wanted to reach sobriety.The way I understand it, you are now sober.All that matters is today, and now you're clean, hence, now you're sober. Mazel tov

Also if the taphsic didn't work you probably want to change it so the deterrent is more effective.Maybe make it telling someone about your intention to fall.

KOMT! KUTGW!

Day 2:

Thanks for all the support.
I really wake up each time that I log onto the forum. It's only the second day of my new journey but it feels like a lot longer. I guess I just gotta focus more on staying clean now.