From Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu until Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan, I was ( and still am ) clean. Now, the challenge begins-in the past, without this site, after Chodesh Tishrei,I would have fallen and started reading and watching porn, and engaging masturbation. I have developed some great ways of "looking in the mirror" as Rashi describes Yosef HaTzadik:

1) avoid walking in the wrong areas -even in the house-never go to the part of the house where the computer is located when everyone else is asleep.
2) think about the pluses in your life ( wife kids, grandchildren, friends ,rebbes) whenever I am tempted

3) If any of us ever saw a Sotah in her disgrace, the Talmud tells us that we would become a Nazir. I gave up the NY Times,because of the lifestyle advocated throughout its pages and am giving up watching football because of the Pritzus in the commercials. It is not easy, but the pilpul chaverim here is great, and a great sense of chizuk every day.

Day 1 (+16+8 )

WOW. Chizuk jackpot. I just got so inspired to keep going when I read all of your replies!
Thank you all.
Someone asked what I'm going to do differently.
I've decide that I will read the big book every night, and a chizuk email each day no matter what.
I'm also going to try to think each day after davening. Just think about everything I feel. Sometimes I get lost in everything so this should help.
Thx,
Learning

I find it very useful to realize what I am feeling, validate them and ask them not to disturb me too much.

I am Human, which means I am going to have feelings, sometimes "bad" feelings, jealousy, ga'avah, anger, etc. and they are natural actual feelings. If I try supressing them they come back at me with venegance, but if I realize that they are there, but I am not bound by them, it all becomes much easier.

sorry for that ramble.

Good luck on everything, KOMT!!!!

Day 2 (+16+8 )

So today I really locked down on things. I need more commitment. I feel like I haven't hit bottom! Going to go read some stories that will freak me out now.

Day 4 (+16+8):

Yesterday I wasn't able to post (no internet access)
It got worse when I was in the shower for Shabbat and I was thinking of falling. Then I remembered my taphsic method, and I knew it just isn't worth it to fall.

I'm really lucky that I woke up in time!

Day 5:

I feel like I'm going to fall. I've been going on some schmutzy sites. Someone please reply while I read some chizuk!

You've made it before, you can keep doing it. Hang on, and Daven for help.

P.S. You forgot to write ( +16+8 )

Replied.

Take a deep breath, you looked, it's over, behind you. Look at what there is to do now. Take the initiative, and KOT!!! Let go of trying to get back to before you looked, it's not going to happen.

We're all with you!!

Ok, so you have looked at some shmutsy sites. You may feel that you have anyway gone this far, that you may as well ...........

And / or you have this uncontrollable feeling between your legs and ........

Are you prepared to admit that you have no chance of staying clean on your own?

Are you prepared to accept that if you are going to carry on looking at shmutsy sites, then you are going to cause yourself a lot of damage?

Then don't look at shmutsy sites! Give up thinking that you can do it and stay clean. Accept and admit that you are powerless.

Now that is impossible It really is. Believe me, I have been there countless times, and i know how impossible it is.

Why is it impossible?

Because we are convinced that it is the best thing for us, that without it we will die! And that is not an exaggeration. The only way we know how to get out of it, is to do it!

But look around and see people on this forum and many many more in SA, who with the help of our loving Abba, are clean and sane.

He can do for us, what we cannot do for ourselves.

What we need, is the willingness to give up acting out, even if we feel we are going to die!

And He is there to help us. He loves us and he cares for us. You can talk to him about anything. The pain, the craving and yes, even that feeling between your legs. There is NOTHING too big or small for Him.

May He grant us sobriety and sanity, just for today.

Unfortunately I let myself fall.
I should have seen this coming, but I will learn from my mistakes:

1) I thought I was ok, and took technology into a private room

2) I posted on the forum(part of my taphsic method), but didn't wait for a reply! I need to fix this mistake in my taphsic.
(For those of you who replied: My fall wasn't your fault in anyway, and I tahnk you so much for your support. My biggest mistake was logging off literally minutes after posting. My yetzer hara just didn't let me push it off.)

3)I forgot that I am supposed to read the big book or the GYE handbook a little each night. The past three or four nights I just forgot.

4)I got stressed out about life. THis lead to a feeling that made me just want to give up on myself. And unfortunately that's what I did.

I will try my hardest to get back up and make the next streak my last one.
With Hashem's help, 5 will be the last number of 16+8+5.

My only worry is that I have no way of knowing that this time is different than the others. Every time after a fall I say that that was the last one! I know this doubt is posion, and I will still fight my hardest, but the doubt remains.

Don't think of it as a project. Think of how you want to change inside in response to your experience. Now you learned that your feeling strong is no proof of anything. Think about the facts. You know that you sometimes choose to look at porn or think about sex. Until you have proof that you have changed assume that you will do more of the same.

I would suggest that for all of us who are engaged in this Milchamah, that we must both choose to refrain from evil and choose to do good ( Sur MeRa Vesaseh Tov). Looking at our role and objective as participating in a project or like working out at a gym with so maany reps for a particular exercise won't work. Rather, we must concentrate daily as the Meshech Chachmah points out because teshuvah is not just limited to ERlul and the Yamim Noraim, but rather as n opportunity for a Tikun for any Mitzvah that we have not fulfilled or transgressed at any time during the year.

I find number 4 to be the main cause for my lust attacks, and number 2 and 3 are ways of learning how to deal with number 4.

As for number one, why did you take it in with you? What were you planning on doing with it?

Fell shmell!!!! Turn it into a learning experience and get right back on board!!!

LEARNING wrote:

Why don't you try thinking of it the other way round? That this time is no different than the others. That every single day and minute or whatever i could easily be acting out and that there will never ever be a last time!

And therefore every single day or minute I stay clean is a miracle, a gift!

I know people in SA who are clean for over ten years. One of them calls me sometimes and talks to me as if he is mamesh about to fall. To him his sobriety after ten years is as big a miracle as it was ten years ago!

THx for the response
I cant count today. I fell again. I don't know how or why. It all happened so quickly. MY BAD SIDE just shuved right in and said were falling, and I gave in. I don't know how I could fall after just falling yesterday. Didn't I learn?
Talking about it makes me depressed. I think the problem is that I cant see myself clean, I know this is a major attitude flaw. At the same time, I can't see myself just giving in to my yetzer hara. I just feel like this fight is a part of me.

I know I sound like a hypocrite (especially if I look back at yesterdays post) but I need to get back up