b) I fell in the shower. I thought my problems in the shower were solved. See here
guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/209936-Shower
I know that this fall is a wake up call from God, and I hope that he will help me on my new journey, starting now.
Showering was real torture for me back in the day. OMG. I hated showering with a passion. I remember it like yesterday. In the end, only G-d can remove the compulsion from us, and we can never be good enough to deserve that! So obviously when He does remove it (which He does from over a hundred guys I know), it is not because we deserve it! He loves us, period. But we must give it up first - or else he will take it away and we will just grab it right back! You know this in your heart, right?
And I do not believe that it is because of how we are
in the shower that showering is such an impossible place for us. Rather, it is because of how we are
out of the shower that we have such a torture time
in there. If we live with our lust
out of the shower, we will practically
need to masturbate ourselves in there. Even if we are learning in Yeshiva all day long - but living our lives on the inside knowing we love the sweet fantasy (and it is very sweet!) and truly are ma'aminim that it's The Solution, then when we are presented with a warm shower, naked, with soap -and totally private! - it will just be the perfect theater to finally act out our lust. Right? As the gemorah says:
Mah ya'aseh haben v'lo yech'toh?
Segulos are cute. Cold water is cute. Quick shower is cute. Only showering in the mikvah or in public is cute...all cute tricks for tying our hands for the moment. But none of those are facing the bitter and simple truth:
We love the way sex with ourselves feels! Our problem is Lust. There is no
easy way out. None.
The only way out is to give it up. And I could not do that alone. Meaning, without opening up about my story and problem clearly and completely to another clean (not from the shower
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/grin.png)
) person. Otherwise it is a joke, and we fall again and again until we see ourselves as a joke, too. For we are.
Also, speaking
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/grin.png)
of jokes -
laugh a lot. I am not talking about 'simcha', here, but this: I smile and/or laugh in the shower now whenever I get the slightest memory of a desire. I smile because it is a distant memory, b"H, and I know that I could go back there after all these years just like that. It makes me laugh about how nutty I am! Here I am, sober for a long taime, my life so very different than it was in the insane days (that were full of learning and masturbating - or fighting it)...and here I desire it all back? Hah! You gotta smile at that. It's just funny. It's been over 16 1/2 years without it, one day at a time.
Give it up by opening up to a real safe person (not just
posting) and make yesterday's insanity a distant memory. Get out of the private shower (hah) and get honest with safe people, brother, about what and who you really are. Then the person you will become is not a guy who has to have sex with himself in the shower today. And that's all you need.
Love,
Dov
Learning, its really, really awesome that you see your fall as a gift from Hashem, as a wake up call that you need to take things to the next level. I wish I could see that more often. KOKO!!