Your yarmulke flew off, and while you were picking it up you were totally engaged in that and chose not to lust. That's a great data point there. Try to pay attention to those times.

hi.....

its been a while since ive posted. i kinda saw this coming. after the initial high was over from finding this site, real life kicked in and like anything, it got hard, and i didnt feel like posting much. 100000 excuses come to mind. "no1 realy knows me", "they dont know what IM going through, and the idea of being rejected is to scarry to make me want to try" the usual stuff.
but it has not all been bad since my last post. ive come to a lot of relazations in the past couple of months. while i might have a habbitual porn and masterbation problem, the real problem lies in my inability to deal and handle the stress that my life throws at me. with just not being happy with my sercomstances, to having to deal with dating and family issues, i just am not good at dealing with stress. add on my hightened emotional sensitivity, i go to porn and masterbation to find that happy place. so with the advice from a book ive been reading by dr miriam adahan, "awarness", i am working on self disipline and trying to build my self esteem. i keep a journal of all the victories i have throughout the day, form waking up, to puting on teffilin, to going to seder, to making a bracha, to holding the door for ppl. and i also write dow things that i am thankfull for from god. but like eveything, im not that great at remembering to write stuff down. for the 35 days ive been doing it, 2 weeks have gone that i didnt write aything down. but thats the perfectionist in me talking. baby steps right?
im also keeping a tally of clean day i have had total. as of today, i am 19 days clean out of 35. which to me is astounding and also lack luster. but its a start. it fits more in line with my one day ta a time aproach then does the consecutive days in row. and frankly idc about consecutive days anymore. the 90 day chart just depresse me even more.

im thinking of talking to a therapist. not specificly about this inyun, just in general. my sister recomended it, for shes been witness to my lack of emotional health in the past couple of months. so i wana try it, and if this comes up, then so be it.

dating might be the most rediculously stressfull thing i have ever done. its literaly put me to a point at times where i wana just crawl in a hole and die. be it the rejections, or the having to reject people, both almost equaly painfull, to the waiting, waiting, and more waiting. i dont know how i can go on doing it. im trying to have a life out side of it but its a monster that wants to take hold of the entire thing then spit u out when its done. trying to work on getting into a masters program but its slow work.

i need evry1s prayers here. i feel like im right befoure the climax of an intense movie, and that where im going to make it or not is being determined. i know this might sound crazy but its just how i feel. i need to learn to chill out and not get caught up in my crazy mood storms, but like anything, it isnt an overnight process, so in the mean time just daven for my sanity.

hope evry1 is doing well, and thx for listening

I apologize for never contributing to this thread.
I do not know why.

your efforts should be rewarded with success.
Don't get down!

b'hatzlachah

RebYid90 wrote:

You have come to a good realization regarding stress and your inability to deal with it in a healthy way leading to acting out.

RebYid90 wrote:

I read the Adahan and Pliskin books, I loved all the "self-help" books. In my humble opinion trying to boost your self esteem by writing all the good stuff you do will not work. You are already starting to see that.

As dov says, get off the 18 wheeler and on to a trycycle. Let go of some of your expectations. Forgive yourself a little.

Talk to someone real (and safe) about your problem and tell them everything. This will help you with "self-acceptance" more than any "list of the good stuff I did" will.

Dr Sorotzkin has some good stuff on self-esteem and perfectionism. A link to his site is in my signature.

Hatzlachah Rabbah!