It's funny because this site asks us to write a little about ourselves and what we are trying to accomplish. I wrote that I am trying to be a true servant that our creator can rely on to do his will. And then it hit me, I cannot even rely on myself.

So my objective on here is to make every day a day that Hashem can rely on me. There is no greater joy in the world then to minimize the regrets that you have on what you have done in the past. Once I become reliable to myself then the joy knows no boundaries.

Welcome snakeeyes! Nice to have you with us. I would say it the other way. You don't need to become a person that Hashem can rely on, you need to become a person that can rely on Hashem!

Why not tell us something about yourself? We are all here for the same reason. To support and encourage one another.

snakeeyes wrote:


Welcome Snakeeyes (that was one of the bad guys in GI Joe...)

My name is Eli.

I get what what your saying although it is not a contradiction to what Gibbor is saying also.

Can I stick in my 2 cents?

There's one more group who needs to rely on you.

All the people in your life.

Can they rely on you? We easily run away from Hashem and ourselves but its a bit harder to run away from all the people in your life. Can they rely on you or does your struggle make it hard for you to fulfill your commitments.

Either way please make yourself at home here. we are one big happy wacky family.

Thanks guys, both valid point!

I guess that when I look at it from a perspective of "can I rely on myself" and "Can Hashem rely on me" then it gives me a good perspective on what I need to do. The reason being that when I view it from this perspective then I am essentially proving to myself that me following my lustful desires is so bad for me that it causes me to not even be able to rely on myself! This seems to work much better than me saying "GD will be mad at me".

Another point which will address gibbors point about me relying on Hashem. Some of what makes this struggle so hard is the feeling of missed opportunity. I feel like "how can i deny myself this pleasure". But if those thoughts come to mind then I can say "rely on Hashem, he created pleasure and he wants me to deny this pleasure because he is the author on pleasure.

Getting to "reallygettingthere" and his point on how can I let down the people I love; and this will also shed insight into me as a person, I am a older single guy so i am not really letting anyone down, unless you take the viewpoint (which I do for better or worse) that I am single because of this issue. So this approach is not really that important for me at the present. The first two points I made are viewpoints that I need to take in order to remain pure.

One other point to make about myself is that I do have filters etc. but my problem is that I am too smart for this. Meaning, I can overcome any filter or obstacle when I want to. I am obviously not here to show people how to do so, and I have made it as difficult as possible for me to do so, but ultimately I need more of a filter in my mind or else I can break these walls down.

Thank you both for interacting with me. I can't do it alone!

snakeeyes wrote:

I know the feeling of "missed 'opportunity'". The seforim say that any assure pleasure we pass up will be given to us in a mutar fashion. and yes, we need to refocus. We need to foucus on Hashem's will and let go of our own will. Trust him, he knows what he's doing .

snakeeyes wrote:


I know the feeling. I also can get past filters etc. Which means...

That filters are not 'The Solution". They are part of a plan but not a solution.

In a nutshell the solution is for us to change our attitudes. That take work, which takes time, which takes commitment to change, which takes...

Hitting rock bottom

or

Hitting bottom while still on top
guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/9-principles-for-addiction/item/principle-4-hitting-bottom-while-still-on-top?category_id=280

Or perhaps somewhere in between top and bottom

Thanks Eli, couldn't have said it better myself.

I cannot afford to fall again!

There is so much hurt inside of me. I need to be pure and consistent.

I am at the bottom!

Today is my first day in this journey. It seems very daunting to know that I have such a long way to go. I am currently at the bottom of everything, I am emotionally drained due to this struggle in conjunction to my personal issue with being an "older single".

I try to write a personal journal daily and with it I started to add poems from me to my creator. I have been thru this so many times before, but now I need to win this battle, there is no margin for error anymore.

Can anyone help me get thru the next few days?

Thanks

snakeeyes wrote:

You don't have a long way to go, you have today.

You say that "try to write a personal journal daily". Do you spend time talking to friends daily.

Many of us addicts are good at introspection and inward focused activities. I am VERY GOOD at focusing on me. I have found that in order to recover, I need to focus outward on others instead. The more I do that, the easier it is for me to stay sober.

As soon as I get self-absorbed, I am on shaky ground.

Does this resonate with you?

Yes it does! I am just not sure how to focus on others when I feel so isolated by my single status.

Thanks!

I usually wait for others to provide good chizuk

I did, however, write a poem today, and I posted it here

look at the 'new topics.'

perhaps that would help

snakeeyes wrote:

Were you also isolated before you were a "younger" single? Is there no one you can connect with? Is there no one you can give to? Maybe you can help someone younger. Do you go out for Shabbos to different people? Who are you connected with? You can't "get out of isolation" by focusing on yourself.

Dr Sorotzkin has some material on "older singles". Take a look here www.drsorotzkin.com/articles.html#Shidduchim . Let me know what you think.

snakeeyes


You know, I've always found this interesting.

There are guys I speak to on here who are down because they are single and want so badly to get married.
There are other guys who wish they were still single because they long for the freedom that being single allowed them, or because they wished they could deal with their issues without it affecting their wife.
I've met guys who so badly want kids.
I've met guys who long for the days when they had uninterrupted quiet time with their spouse.

In short, the grass is always greener on the other side.

By us, we have a concept of hashgacha protis - everything that happens is Hashem's doing, and everything Hashem does is good for us. So if we're in a situation, we need to realize that we're there for a reason. Perhaps we need to grow from the experience. Maybe some unforeseen goodness will come from it.

Let's relax, be happy and be the best we can be in whatever situation we find ourselves in, knowing that Hashem wants us here at this moment.

I am not sure that I have an isolation issue at all. I was asked on the forum if I contemplate things and enjoy alone time, I do. But I do eat out on Shabbos, interact with many people daily, including friends, business associates and my chavrusa. But there is a part of me that is longing for my soulmate, for intimacy and friendship, the type of friendship I can't have with a friend.

I try real hard to remain pure, but it is very very hard, and the cycle of depression from single hood makes purity even harder.