wait, wasn't Zonino a first cousin with the Loch Ness monster?

Returning from the latest OINK meeting, im feeling pretty down. Everybody is clean for weeks besides for me. Im barely clean for 3 hours.
Why cant i do it?
Why does it seem so easy and then is so hard?
What doe hashem want from me?
Why did he give me this nisayon?
Why did he put me in a position that i have no way of getting out of this nisayon

I want to be normal
normal life
normal in-laws
normal parents
normal grandparents
normal wife
normal teivos

And you know what i have? the exact opposite of all that... My life is messed up. I have nowhere to turn but to HAshem. I do, i beg him every day, but so far he hasnt realy answered. I found GYE, i found OINK, but now what? im still the same sick addicted person that i was before.

I see a way out, but its just so out of reach

are you really the same as before

you arent the only one struggling. the only way to do this is together. i cant imagine what it would be like without you and the rest of the chevra.

We feel for you. Its tough times, i know. Your just going to have to ride it out, thats life. Maybe go on a nice long walk, possibly with your wife, and think about life, talk to Hashem.

Keep on walking... baby steps, its all baby steps.

I believe in you! Lets have an oink conference call on wednesday. I wanna hear your voice.

Mind to share what that way out is?

P.S. I upped your karma, hope that makes you feel a little better (even though feeling better isn't going to help you for long)

I will post this here because I think that this is an important point in general. In my limited experience, as long as you hold onto resentment and disappointment, you will never be able to keep clean. As long as you think of your lot as unfair and hold onto the "if only"'s in life you will always be looking to live in the fantasy.

The reality can never live up to your fantasy. In your fantasy, you have everything you want, as you want it. It is your perfect existence. Except that it is not reality. So you look at your life and you look at the fantasy, and the fantasy is infinitely more appealing. In your fantasy your wife does everything that you only dreamed that she would do, but she is not in reality doing it, so you have to fill in that part of the fantasy as well. So you look for porn that simulated what you wish you had, and you masturbate until you get that release that you wish you had.

So good, now you have masturbated and looked at porn, and you still have the same wife, with the same issues, so you retreat back to your fantasy again because it is easier than accepting reality.

So I say accept your reality, live in your reality, thank Hashem for your reality, as screwed up as you think it is. But you answer me that you don't want to accept your reality because you deserve better. I think the answer is this, convoluted though it may be. Yes perhaps you can change your reality, perhaps you can strive for more, push for more, but in that pushing, you are pushing yourself toward your fantasy. You are trying to make your fantasy reality. And that may change your reality, maybe not, but it is certainly pushing yourself into your fantasy.

For me it comes down to this question: What is more important to you, improving your reality to get it closer to what you feel you deserve, or being sober?

I am speaking for myself here as well, this sort of goes after my last post as well. I think that I/you will find that if we give priority to being sober, the reality will improve, if we give priority to fantasy, reality and sobriety will suffer.

Spot on!
[MBJ; you need to post more often! your posts are clear, brief and filled with positive tochen...and understandable as well!]

In my 8/9 months of recovery (tryin') that is the nekudah hanifla'ah. do not strive for the fantasy; live in the reality....as sh@#$y as it may be. For some, it is definitely worse than others. But kal zman we are striving to reach or fulfill that fantasy, we can never be sober. This was the key point that I was so wrong on in the beginning of this process. I was attempting to split my soberness and my marriage intimacy (or lack thereof). Although they might seem to be independent (and even that was debatable, for the logic was that we want our wives to be porn starts, etc.), they are not. They are one and the same, for both were an attempt to fulfill a fantasy. It is this point that has been helping me and our marriage. And when I slip and fall, it is this point that was lacking.

I just want to say one point, however, and that is that it is probably beneficial for a person to think that he deserves nothin' at all, for once there is one bit of "something was coming to me" thoughts entering one's mind, it spirals out of control. We all know that feeling after rejection (from wife, boss, life in general) to strike back, and what is our method? we know good and well. So, accept our lot, but not because we deserve more, but rather because this is the way it was meant to be. [Others will insert God and bitachon and "anochi afar" into here; I try to shy away from that style.]

Thank you

b'hatzlachah

Im sorry if im going to sound bitter, but i have to get this out.
First of all, You both (Cordnoy and MBJ) tell me to give up my fantasies and whatever, but neither of you told me how.
And two, ive lived all my life dreaming about the day that ill be in a loving relationship. even the porn ive watched reflected that, and then i get married to a girl who didnt let me hold her hand walking away from the chupa, and even in the yichud room sat as far away from me as the couch we were on would allow. When we got to where we were staying that night, she was interested in one thing: going to sleep.
If i give this up, what will i be living for? if i saw something worth it in my future, fine. But if i give up a loving relationship with my wife and dont chase it, the only future i see, is nothing for the rest of my life. Yes, maybe one day my wife will turn around, but i dont see that future, and shes doing everything in her power to prove that. Everything that i thought will make me happy, is not there.
Im barely talking about sex now. im talking about being number 1, being the most important person in her life and being the one that she wants to get close to, and yes, physically too

i feel for you.

I think I'm close enough to say this to you. You may or may not agree.

Yesterday I went to speak to someone. I went armed with a little pocket-sized blue book, and a few papers of work that I had done. After a quick hug, we started getting down to work.
3 hours later, I walked out. A new man. It was nighttime here in eretz yisroel, but the sun was shining bright. My new life was just starting. I took a deep breath, smelled the flowers, and said "selicha" to the grey striped cat that was blocking my path.
I was finished my own personal pesach-cleaning, now its time for me to leave the slavery of mitzrayim and move on.

For all of you that still don't know what I'm talking about, yesterday, I went and did my 5th step. I have never felt a feeling like I did when I walked out of Duvid Chaim's apartment. I felt on top of the world, a free person. The people who I had resented for whatever reason, I now wanted to do something for them. At that moment, Hashem made a flower store appear in front of my eyes, I went in and bought something for my wife. No expectations and for nothing in return, just because I love her. For the first time in our life together, she appreciated a romantic gesture. And it was a red rose no less, something she always told me she hated (they didn't have anything else). Its now on display on our dresser.

Since I walked out of that apartment, every thought, every sight and every action has been preceded by a thought "am I doing this looking through the right pair of glasses?"
I saw the sky grey, I saw my life black and I saw my future bleak, all for one reason: I was wearing sunglasses. Duvid Chaim spent 3 hours ripping those glasses off my face, and putting on a new pair of glasses. This morning, the sky was a beautiful blue (its not snowing here in eretz yisroel), my life is amazing, and right now (here's a biggie) I don't care about my future.
Looking past at my previous posts, I can thank Hashem for sending me to do the 5th step at the exact time that I needed it. I also davened for one thing this morning, "please keep me thinking along these lines, so that I may better serve you and be a pleasure to be around".
I'm sorry to all that I was bitter to, Cordnoy, MBJ etc. I wasn't in a good place. Thank you all for your constructive criticism, may Hashem bless you with ALL that you need. Peace out y'all!!!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Thanks! Very inspiring!

Was it a cheshire cat?

Gevura Shebyesod wrote: