צדיק גמור wrote:
I have a bigg Cheshek to call them back & scream! that was much more than the price they said before I put my CC. I can't afford to spend so much money on this stupid "game".

alrighr. better to loos 10 X this amount & not risk another call to them. (I won't call the bank either, they might "get back" on me & it's just as risky. Kaporas Avonos) just say the serenity prayer.

I learned my lesson the heard way.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

here is another sick thing that I did. & another mircle of not loosing my sobrioty.

yesteardy was memorial day & i had the day off. I headed to the city where i knew i have nothing; mamesh nothing to do. gur nisht. just ta'avos. so first i got the train ticket. when the train arrived i was very hesitate if to go on or not. last minute i jumped in & the train left the station. as i got there i started searching for material. did not take me too long to find it. than the fight again. should i get this shouldn't i get it. i made a phone call. we said togethet the cerinity preyer. we discussed what i realy want. but still it was hard to give it up. so long i was waiting for this "free day" when i can just go to the city & nobdy will ask me qeustions. in the end i realy couldn't give up so i told my self. not today. now i know where to go. next time. i have the train schedual & i don't "must do today". a mircle of the program. years ago i got this material in the city. no way was i able to not get it yesterday. only with this program & this phone call. thanx for listening.

צדיק גמור wrote:

So you're going in the right direction! In the past, you would have got the material. Now, you didn't. That's mamish incredible!
KOT!

when comparing with last year I'm in a much better place now than I was during that time... but it does not give me to serenity to except the things i cann't chage... like the fact that i spent sometime to "check my filter".... why in the world did i have to do this? why did i have to see the shmutz managing to go aroud the K9?

It's a ploy of the Yetzer Hara. We all fall for it: "well, I'm just going to do a search to see if the filter's working!"

At least for me, more stuff to do = starting to live = less free time to be checking up on my filters.

צדיק גמור wrote:


All we have to worry about is hishtadlus--Hashem will worry about the other stuff, such as "am I a tzaddik" or not.

I agree with Gibbor--time to work through the handbook, consider 12 steps, etc. Maybe chat with Dov--he truly is an expert and can give you spot-on advice.

i didn't write anything here for 2 weeks or so... just a quick update.

yesterday was my 60th day. my wife wanted to go out with me. "to the park". i thought to myself i have nothing to do in the park. nothing too look at. (jewish community). i want to go to "the other place" where i can see.... of course this brought some fantasis. ho how bad i felt! what going on with me! i'm doing the steps, i'm getting cleaner, why can't i just enjoy trip without lust? why my default is the lust? so bad i felt that i told my wife may be i'll just give you get & disapper from your life! you will get healthy husband & healthy father for the children & me "כאשר אבדתי אבדתי" i'll go back to hell!!! that how bad i felt. i didn't belive to here her teling me "you didn't do anything to me! the heibishter put us two together with this! & one day you will get there! you will be where most pepole cant get"

how was I blessed with this wife! maybe zchus avos

You are truly blessed to have a wife that beleives in you!

MAZAL TOV on 60!

I guess you're true to your name. You must be a tzaddik gomur to desrve such a tzadekes for a wife. So now you just need to live up to your name and to your wife. Listen to the messages Hashem is sending you and keep growing. It's like dancing the Hora - you go back one step and take two steps forward. Eventually you reach your goal.

Hatzlacha

MT

thank you gibor & machshovo Tova

ho i wasn't here for so long... went back to hell... gave up
the reason? I came here as a hobbyhorse... wasnt realy ready to do the prgram! & when i saw all the pain in step one i disapeared! stopped going to meeting... stop coming here... of caurse i went back to hell! every night after worl i drove around to look for more lust...

as of now i'm on day 3 (down from some 70+) & not sure what next... i can say i'm powerless... i don't want it but in 4 hours from now find myself going again to...

hashem!

It's great to have you back!

my life
is not dependent on my wife.

even if she decides to leave
I still have to live

I did develope a very unhealthy
on her Co-Dependency

what will tomorrow bring I don't know
but i still have to allow life go.

we are working together to break it
with the guaidnece of a therapist

May Hashem be with you

Let's hope the therapist is right shliach

Stay positive

b'hatzlachah