Here I'm With 14 Days. after having gotten to 83 I had no menucha. fall after fall. perhaps this is my longest clean days ever since.

will try to update on regular basis be'ezras hashem. "JUST FOR TODAY"

Today I can't say is my best day... you know.... searching for some "material"... miracle that I’m still sober for today.

Thank you Hashem for providing me with another clean day. even thogh I did some searchs yesterday B"H nothing more than that.

14 day

I do want to mention that somebody told me some time ago how to use my phone (without internet) to get to some places. (he didn't know about my problem & didn't mean anythjing wrong. just to get weather updates etc) & this week i lost my head & started to look for other stuff. ever since then i'm searching both online & txt msg.

today in the morning I felt if i go another day like this for sure i will be using my coputer again for this things so i called my sponser & told him I'll give $20.00 to GYE if I'm searching for bad stuff deliberately.

B"H this saved me right now. I was under another attack. & rihgt away I reminded my self that $20.00 out of my pocket this days is not too easy (yes, GYE should get much more than that. they realy deserve it but I have no other choice but to use their service for free at this time) & is just not worth "checking something" out there. so instead i came here to share

Boruch Hashem I have made thru another night. davening to the eibishter to be mezake me in another day & stay lust free just for today as I'm starting my 15th day

ט"ז אייר
16 Iyar

Thank you Tatti for another clean day. Mamesh a mircle. unbelivable Ness Gomur. I saw couple kiisin on the street & it was very trigering for me. couldn't move my eyes. after deep looking I finally got out of there but when I got back to the ofice... the computer... the internet... i felt that urge to search for "better stuff"... made some phonecalls. till the day was over.

how can I thank you eanogh Avinu Shebashamaim (Vesheba'aretz too)

Hayom Shisho Osor Yom Shehem Shnei shovuos ushnei yomim Lenekiyus
היום ששה עשר יום שהם שני שבועות ושני ימים לנקיות.
הרחמן הוא יחזיר אתנו לנקיות ולשפיות

as i wrote in a prevous post i spoke to my wife & she took it very seroisly. without blaming me for any of this she was talking to me in a very calm voice. wanted to know more. to get involoved. & she gave me the support.

in a way i think I have reached a higher level in recovery. honesty in the house. & as I felt today the urge to search for more stuff i knew this will not be my solution & i "took my medication". came here.

thank you all for your support!
שבת was 17 days טו"ב. sunday was ח"י. (yes, I'm חי again. after all the garbage I saw online) & today day 19. still davening to finish it good.

Boruch Hashem Another day went by & now I'm starting my 29th day.

in the past 2 days it was hard for me. I started of by searching for news & moved on from topic to topic untill I saw the big "warning" "age verification" on my screen. Bechasdei Haboreh I pilled out of the Gehinom a sencod before visiting there again... benisei nisim. not my power. my higher power. he got me out of there Be'al Korchi.

hoping to be zoche not just for a clean day but sobrity. to have the willing to move away from the driver seat.

Keep growing, dear chaver. But may I suggest that in addition to moving away from the driver seat, think about moving away from the edge of the cliff. We are warned by our sages not to rely on miracles. If we look for trouble, we will eventually find it. We need to find safe activities instead of teasing our lustbuds.

Hatzlacha

MT

HO NO! what a woe!

this sunday will be marked as BLACK SUNDAY!!! I have crossed another red line! another boundry was broken! I have never had the courage to do it during my decates of acting out.

that was a phonesex which i called. ok. not first time calling. during the "acting out" period I called many times but never went any forward that the foreword! I listen to the announcement (you called.... must be 18.... the price is... please put CC to continue)& hanged up. neer put any CC info. after long months of not calling, on sunday I called againg. now with a CC. after paying $32.94 And as i "press the botton" to cnect live, a mircle happened! my child started asking me something. i hanged up on her & thanked the heibishter for sending the child on the right moment. i don't know what would have happeded otherwise.

you knw, for me it's very scary, more then online. to go online i need asystem. i need computer with internet connection in a private place. which I don't have B"H. here i have the phone with me all the times & i can hide in the bathroom or get up 2am & use this service. רח"ל. I'm thankfull to the heibishter for the ness but אין סומכין על הנס ולאו בכל יומא מתרחיש ניסא. I'm powerless over it. hoping not to be in the nisayon again.

still counting. 40 days

Am I seeing things, or did your ferocious LION turn into a cute rubber duckie?

What is your plan? Please write it out.

Thanks,

Wishing you bracha and hatzlacha.

Wow! The Ribono shel olam clearly loves you!
Maybe try making kabalos- I won't dial anyone unless there's someone else around or I'll pay x amount to tzedaka, or say x number of perakim of tehillim (make it a lot, so it'll be an incentive not to do it). Or I won't use the phome past a certain time.
KOT!

thak you all. big chizukim.
climing up the mountain is hard. i can't think about 90 day. I can't even think about tomorrow. just for today I WANT TO STAY SOBER!!! yesterday I got myself in troule when I googled something & got into "how to taach your kids what wrong with p*** . they wrote ברחל בתך הקטנה full detail & I just couldn't stop reading. was complitly Shikor.

did I tell you already that in the last few days (weeks?) I have spring in my neck? can't keep my head straight? looking all over! & if you drive behind me & see me slow down please look around who is walking by & understand. I cn't look at her while driving.... (DWI)
yesterday I was driving with my wife & as soon as i slow down she told me right out. you slow because you want to look.

thanks for listening.
tzadik.

P.S. גיבור you wanted me to write my plan. i don't have one. i wish i will have maybe you can haelp me to be גיבור & become a true צדיק

צדיק גמור wrote:

Wishing you had a plan will not work. You need to make one. There is plenty of material here. Take some ideas. Take a step or 2. Make a decision and write it down. Take a tiny step, but do something other than kvetch about how hard it is.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have been here a while and perhaps you just need a kick in the pants to get moving.

Pleeeease just take one some small step towards recovery.

thank you. I truely appriciate you concern.

I'm here a while but in the hebrew section much longer. I do speak to my sponsor & we do discuss this (and other) issues. working on my first step.

BeBirkas "Gibor Bo'oretz yiyeh"....