Here's something that I wrote a few months ago. It was on one of those long winter motzaei shabossos, and I was feeling really down and depressed, and I just sat down at my computer and wrote. Looking back at it now, it was clearly written with the help of Hashem- everything on there is so true, and it obviously wasn't written with 'kochi ve'otzem yodi'. So I thought I'd share it with everyone here. I wrote it before I joined GYE, but it fits with all the principles I've learnt on here:

What is life? Life is a path with ups, a path with downs. Life is a mountain, a battle with forces stronger than you and more powerful than you. It is a battle, a war, a ferocious fight to the finish. But YOU CAN DO IT. Why? Because the Eternal is holding your hand. He will fight your wars, win your battles. All you have to do is believe. Believe that He can. Believe that up there, you have a loving Father who is waiting for you to turn to Him and say- please. I need help. I am struggling. I cannot do it on my own. Tatte, I need You. Just looking back at the dark, difficult, yet illuminating history of our people should be enough to teach you this. We are above the ordinary. We are above the natural. Hashem took Avraham Avinu above the stars, to teach him that we, the Jewish people, are above teva, above mazal, above the normal course of life. Whatever situation we are in, whatever problems we have, know that the natural course of things does not apply to us. We are the Bnei Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. We are not governed by nature. We are above it.

Beautiful!

Beautiful. Thanks, Zvi.

I slipped today. I didn't fall, B'H, but I came far too close for comfort. It happened because I was home alone, with my laptop, which is far from being fully filtered...
So, I've decided that, at least for the time being, whenever I'm home alone and I need to use the computer, I'm going to use the family one, which has very good accountability software.
But, on a 'deeper' level (for lack of better word), it was caused by the 'nuclear build-up' that Dov's written about (here guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/203733-introduction?limit=15&start=15#203913). The need to m*** has been building up for about four days already, but I haven't really noticed it/paid much attention to it. And today I nearly fell because of it. If I don't sort this out, I'm going to fall tomorrow- there's only so long I can go...

Hang in there Zvi! If we think about staying clean for days or weeks we get thrown, especially with nuclear build up. One day, or one hour, at a time. "I might fall, but does it have to be today?"

I totally identify, after a while it becomes an ache.

tell yourself this: the ache is temporary. it will likely be gone in a week, a month at most.


Who cares about a slip? we all have slips. they only serve to intensify the ache--but do your best to avoid falling. tell itself that it wont make anything better. eiright after falling, it only gets worse (am I wrong?).


hatzlocha! good luck to you, I'm sure you'll do great.

personally, it took me a while to say "no loopholes in my filter". there's that subconscious voice that says "I cant block that completely, what if I really need it??" Ignore that voicw--B'ezras Hashem, there is a wonderful life ahead without shmutz. right now, the y"h makes it seem impossible, but give it time.
kind of like Dr Manette in A Tale of Two Cities with his shoemakinf bench, in case anyone has read that book (might be trigerring, but I had to read it for school).

translation: its the y"h that prevents one from honestly sitttinf down and cutting down on Internet usage and avoiding loopholes.

try going strong--but don't make this the focus of your life as you sit at home. if u focus on the battle you're doomed to fail. give it over to Hadhem, stop worrying about it, and only fight when you need to, not when you don't need.

that advice is working for me now, but its taken like a year for me to get to this point.

good luck! You're an amazing person!

p.s. sorry for the typos, I'm writing from a k9 browser on Android.

Thanks so much SiyataDishmaya and Chachaman. I've realised something from yesterday. Last night (after the slip) I was learning with someone in a Beis Hamedrash, and I suddenly felt repulsed by myself. Who am I? Here I am, learning, pretending to be really holy, and just a few hours earlier I had gone out of my way, sitting there in a frenzied craze, to go and find disgusting images online? Who am I fooling? Generally, I'm considered a pretty 'shtark' guy, in school, at home, and around generally. And yet, I have this problem. So again, what's going on?
And I realised: I am ill, I am sick, I have a spiritual disease- an addiction- called lust. My frumkeit, and the length of my Shemoneh Esreis, have nothing to do with this, and they're not going to stop it. In fact, nothing is going to stop this. I can have filters, this barrier, that barrier, but as soon as I'm going to be given half a chance, I'll fall again. I can hold it in for a week, a month, I've even gone 66 days before, but after that I'll be gone again.
So, what can help me? The answer, which has been staring me in the face all the time, is: Hashem. He is the only one who can get me out of this rut, out of this impossible situation that I'm in. Before, I'd talked the talk, but did I really believe it? I think not. But it was only last night that I realised it properly.
I think the barrier to what was stopping me realise this was that I didn't understand: Surely this is a nisoyon of shemiras einayim, of shemiras habris. This is a test sent to me from Hashem, and I have to pass it. Why should I ask for His help? He wants me to pass it, by myself. But now I understand- that's not the nisayon. The nisayon is one of bitachon, emuna, anava. The nisayon is to admit that I'm not so amazing or capable after all. I need HELP. And the only one who can give me that help is my creator.

Another slip- but this time, I came much closer to falling. I'd actually started to act out before I stopped. I was sitting on my computer, with the bedroom door open, but the Yetzer Hara still seemed to manage to get the better of me. The only other person home was my sister, and she was in her bedroom and wasn't showing any signs of emerging. So I started to look for images again, and before I knew it I was about to m***, when, by pure hashgacha, Mamme Rochel started playitng in my earphones. I was still listening to a jewish music radio station when I was about o fall, and that started playing. For those of you who don't know (i.e all of you ) I love Mamme Rochel, its a really beautiful song and I thought- right, its a choice between m*** or listening to Mamme Rochel, and I stopped. It was pure hashgacha, and I really didn't deserve it. However, the Ribono shel Olam wanted to give it another chance- I just have to grab it, and go with.

Somech Hashem Lechol HaNoflim...

KOMT!!!

zvi wrote:

Beautiful! dov helped me to see that it's our ga'avah that is stopping us. I have to beat this thing. I will fight it. etc etc.

The answer is really the EXACT opposite. I need to come humbly asking for help, and not worry about "fighting the holy fight" which is usually just masked ga'avah.

It's like the good 'ol Chinese Finger Trap. The harder you pull, the more stuck you get. The trick is to stop fighting it, and humbly ask Hashem to remove it.

Like your earlier posts, that post knocked it out of the ballpark! Beautiful! Thank you so much for that!

As far as the slip goes, we have to define what it means to be in a public place. When my brother was still at home last year (he's in college now), sometimes he'd be home, tucked upstairs in his room with ridiculous music playing, and I'd be on the couch downstairs slipping. For all intents and purposes, was I alone in the house? Yes. I'm sure you realize that too, and this paragraph isn't a big chiddush.

However, it is hard, because sometimes we need to use the internet, and we can't expect to take our siblings out of their rooms to come watch us.

I think pshat is that we just have to cut down on computer usage, plain and simple. It is hard when we need the computer for work purposes--so I think we can create different systems or Kabbalos that will limit our usage of unrelated things.

Allow me to share something that works for me, but may or may not apply to anyone else:

For me, the most important thing is to reaffirm every day why I want to stop. I think early on (like a year and a half ago or so), for me it used to be "so that no one will ever find that out about me," or (get this) "the future gadol hador shouldn't look at shmutz", or even "so that none of my friends at (public) school will be able to laugh at me for it", or "so that it won't taint my unvarnished reputation at shul", or finally, "so that I'm superior to those people who do look at and depend on shmutz". Is it any wonder I had no success back then?

Now, I had several issues back then, probably an inflated sense of ga'avah to compensate for social insecurity and isolation, but that's a different sugya altogether. I doubt that other people would have such reasoning like that.

I think the breakthrough for me has come in understanding both what I am up against, and why I want to quit (certainly not for ga'avah related reasons, like "Hashem" has given me a nisayon, and I want to prove how good I am that I have gone there and done teshuvah). Instead, I feel I want to quit not only for negative reasons like because it's a serious issur, because it's bittul zman, because it will harm my future children and spouse, because it fosters insecurity and makes me a worse person, and because I lose complete control of myself; but more importantly for positive reasons, namely to get closer to Hashem and improve my quality of life.

I'm struggling a bit now too. Right now, I'm just going to worry about TODAY...I know I can stay clean right now, so I'll leave the future to Hashem.


I totally identify with the slipping and searching like a maniac...I've done that so many times in the past. Congrats on avoiding falling--that takes tremendous strength (and of course a bit of Hashem's help too)!

Keep us posted! Good luck.

Chachaman wrote:

I'm certain that many many people "have such reasoning like that".

Of course you are right, Zvi. You cannot hold on forever. Some well-meaning folks may try to 'encourage' you by saying "No! You can do it. Hayad Hashem tiktzor?!" But they have not been masturbating and hiding the porn and doing whatever you may have been doing the way you have been doing it for as long as you have done it so far...so they do not have a clue what problem they are actually giving advice for.

We know that the "one day at a time" idea is not a gimmick. It is not about pretending that there is not tomorrow and that I only need to be clean for today". That's not it, at all. Real recovery is not based gimmicks and tricks, (like nedarim and/or pretending that 'it is only for today' - when we know in our hearts that our only true goal is 'clean forever'). Real recovery is not even based on anything that begins with the word 'not' - it's not about 'not' drinking, 'not' masturbating, 'not' shooting up heroin, 'not' gambling.

So what is it?

It's basis is learning how to live with a faith that works. Faith - the ideas - is not enough. It's about whther it works. Chovos haLevavos is about the same thing, in addressing normal things in real life not addictions of course. Info is not the answer: the answer is taking the right action.

When Hashem says "hayom" over and over in the Torah, it's time to trust Him that reality is only today. Hashem says 'today' in Sh'ma twice because it is the truth. Chaza"l tell us to "consider the Torah as if it were a new announcement, just given today" - because today is the only reality there is. It's not a gimmick, at all.

The problem with this knowledge is this: our hearts (not our knowledge!) get in the way of living with this idea. Our hearts tell us things like, "Oy! What I did yesterday was sooo horrible! I am obviously oversexed and need more of that! Why bother denying myself the pleasure. I am such a rosho anyhow. G-d is disgusted with me anyhow, and I will not grow to be a tzaddik anyway, not a real gadol baTorah for here I am not the best guy in Yeshivah and on top of that I masturbated again last night!"

All nahrishkeit. What does the past have to do with what I can or cannot do today? Yes, it shows my tendencies and problems - so accepting them as facts and moving on with the real me is the work of today. Not trying to wish them away or regretting them. Acceptance is the key for me and others. Few of us have true acceptance of our limitations and tendencies, very few of us.

And what relevance does 'the future' or my apparent failure at my big imaginary ambitions have any bearing on my success with today with G-d? None at all. Acceptance of my limitations is really just acceptance of G-d's Will for me. But we buck it. And well-meaning people try to 'motivate' us by holding out promises of 'greatness' or 'holiness'....all vanity. Gayvoh-based recovery is just a revolving door, for me.

The humble way seems to be the accepting way. Living with G-d today is only possible when the gravity of the past and the crushing weight of the future are lifted clean off of me for today. And it is really a simple matter of acceptance of Hashem's Will for me today - for right now. As long as our lust for gadlus burns in us, we find we cannot do that, though.

So, Zvi, I am not saying any big chiddushim to you, perhaps. But instead of 'telling yourself this, or telling yourself that' to win the battle and lose the war, can you say 'to heck with the sperm and not sperm issue and to heck with my aveiros and mitzvos - they are not what this is about at all, and just throw yourself on G-d like a baby - just for a few minutes today? Can I? Can you take action in that regard? Real action, like letting go of your (my) dependence on people's approval and opening up to another person recovering from sex and lust in person? Like getting some honest writing (by hand, not on the computer at all) down on paper about what I am feeling today and what I want, what's sensible for today and what I can really do instead of philosophizing today?

You can do this! (there I go! ) You can accept your limitations and yourself. Hashem has always known you as you really are. He does not have a portrait of you he looks at and cries over 'up there' of 'what you could have become/should have become'. Those schmuessen/motivational speeches are poison for addicts and just not true anyhow.

Dov wrote:

Ok... so how I understood this (I've seen something like this written elsewhere on the forum as well) is that today is the only day I'm meant to be clean for. Because tomorrow doesn't actually exist yet, and today itself is the biggest thing I can achieve. And as for yesterday- that's irrelevant anyway.



So how do I throw myself on G-d? What do I do? What you seem to be saying (correct me if I'm wrong) that our previous conception of life was wrong. So does that mean I've been davening in the wrong way? How else to I throw myself on Hashem without tefillah? Is it a mentality change? What exactly are you trying to say?



I'm sure most people here have heard of the famous story of the Netziv, who made a siyum when he finished writing one of his seforim. His talmidim asked him why he was doing this, and he answered because when he was a child he overheard his parents talking about he clearly wasn't learning well, and how they should send him to work. He burst in to them, and promised how he'd learn properly in the future. Because of that, he became the Netziv. He told his talmidim: "If I hadn't overheard my parents, I would have gone to work. I would have remained a good Jew, but when I got up to shomayim, Hashem would have turned to me and said "Where are your seforim?"
My question is as follows: The Netziv didn't accept his apparent limitations. He wasn't learning well, and he could have gone and become a poBAD WORD REMOVEDer yid. Instead, despite his limitations, he still managed to become the great Netziv. So me? I can't aim for the heights? How do I know my limitations? I don't know my ultimate potential, so surely I should aim for as high as possible. Why should I settle for mediocrity when I could have so much more in me?
(Oh, and I slipped again- 4:30 in the morning isn't a good time to wake up at. B'H, I'm still clean- but I still feel like I'm about to burst...)

I'll let Dov answer the other stuff (because I honestly don't know the answers to the other questions--right now I'm reading the garden of emunah though, and it's giving me food for thought), but as far as the Netziv story goes:

Do you think the Netziv, when he decided to start learning, said to himself "look, I'm going to go out and become the Gadol Hador, start a huge Yeshiva, write important sefarim, etc."? No. He just wanted to learn and do his best. We do the hishtadlus, Hakadosh Baruch Hu supplies the results.

In my opinion, the point of a day at a time is EXACTLY THAT: To do our best--but just for one day! Also, in my opinion, as recovery is about starting to truly live and not necessarily about fall v. no fall, part of recovery (for me at least) is trying to reach my true potential. One day at a time.

Hang in there! KOT!