In the end I have learned to begin accepting HIS will and whatever comes my way 

I understand that I have done many wrong ....including living members of my family 

enough so that whatever happens I truly earned and deserve and any positive that comes by is an absolute mercy ....and maybe it's not really for me per se but to facilitate for others which is still a mercy ...being part of the positive ...even inadvertently 

but my only true wish is that somehow in all the chaos that is my life and the result of all my feebleness and insanity that HE will accept me and I will merit somehow to be part of the end .....it's all I truly want .....that and to control my insanity .....now I teeter between addiction to games and addiction to lust ....in various forms ...it's not po** or se* or mas****n in themselves ...it is the fulfillment of lust pursuance that has been my "other"illness ,

and whether it came from birth ,or I somehow created it myself by not listening enough, or through my childhood traumas (many many traumas) or a combination of them all 

it is unacceptable and it harms others and myself and I continue to fight even when I lose 

because every lititle bit (I hope) helps and matters 

You might not realize it but its a big chizuk for people like me to hear how someone who has been through so much still has some will to get back up and fight. That is truly impressive. Just a thought that perhaps being more social will help you overcome your difficulties. I'm not saying its easy but social interaction does worlds of good for giving a person hope especially if its some sort of chesed and giving to others. Often times giving picks a person up like nothing else. This is true even if its just growing a plant or taking care of a pet. In any case, Hashem should give you the siyata dishmaya to navigate through this tough time in you life (which bh is only temporary) and that what you view as a weakness should be your strength. 

My journey has been like a person who climbs a ladder that starts on a step stool ....and every time I was on the step stool I fell on my head ....and sometimes on other people's heads....and it would be bad enough if I only slipped once!! ...it is after all only a step stool.....but I have slipped and fallen hundreds....maybe thousands of times,  yet I can't stop trying anymore then I  could stop vital body functions 

I'm not breslov but I think its appropriate. "kol zman shehaner dolek efshar letaken" The mere fact that trying to get back up is ingrained in you makes you miles ahead of the majority of people. It might not feel like it but bh you'll eventually get wherever you keep on trying to get to. Hashem should give you the siyata dishmaya that you need

Soo ...I have been having some issues with my wife being nidda nearly either never or for extended periods of time do to the way her pills work and her availability to toival...(in a natural body of water, she refuses a mikveh ar this point and even the natural bodies of water ......the choices are very few and almost only by chance 

and there are times that due to the way my life currently works .....I have tremendous pressure to relieve myself every so often and she wishes to help .....and she does .....and it is questionable as motze zera levatala or being with a nidda entirely or ...somehow both 


this causes me considerable mdental anguish that can affect my every day life 

i haven't been in contact with my previous go-to-rav as I feel being in 2 different continents makes the conversation thinner 

I am still trying ....but I am falling all the same 

I am guilty of karet many times over .....I dont know how to accept that yet 

or deal with it 

laughingman wrote on 07 Aug 2018 10:00:

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must be very hard to have a wife who's often nida.

Recently, I joined a website recommended by GYE. joinfortify.com
I have learned a lot, but lately, I came up with a book recommendation in one of the videos.
The power of habit
I am very sceptical of non jewish self help content, but I checked its kosher status.
here and here
In a nutshell explains how we have habits processes that take control of our actions to save energy, but we can understand them, and consciously start changing its actions.

In our context, simply means that the cues that makes us fall, simply are cues, that trigger a procedure (masturbating) to get a reward.
Now, we think the reward is the chemicals, but that is not true. These as I understand are the cravings this procedure uses to signal we got the reward. The real reward is different reasons. Escape from problems, lack of self stem, boredom or feeling lack of accomplishments (sometimes not true, so we just have to be aware all the things we did awesome in the past), lacking maybe connection to our beloved.
In all of them, we just have to be attentive when the cues are being triggered, and substitute the procedure (masturbation) by another healthy procedure that has the same gain, reward. That is. Keep cues and reward, change procedure, a procedure that also has a distinctive signal called craving that announces it got the same reward.
Ej. Have a night out if you are stressed. Give a present to your wife if you feel disconnection. Learn Torah if you feel lack of self stem, or do exercise.
Little by little we get the real rewards, changing the fake procedures, by the good ones.

Hope it makes sense what I said.
And please. Pray Hashem and work on improving your inner life meanwhile because sometimes, this cues are signals that we are doing things wrong, and we are not meant to react in the bad way, but the good way.

Mind it is a constant process of rewiring, so only by being aware and conscious you do it helps change the habits by other ones.
Studies show, (In London College I think) that one fall here and there does not stop your recovery or rewiring your habits, as soon as you keep really moving into the right direction.
These studies are catching up with the concept of teshuva.

So after all this time me and my wife have in a way  become closer than ever 

and it turns out my problems stem from a different maturity problem than an addiction problem.....also more of a selfishness control issue 

now I don't feel cured in any way 

I just feel I gave more handle on my problems 

I still have difficulty with waiting for my wife to cleanse of nidda before resuming relations 

hopefully i will figure out that too

laughingman wrote on 25 Aug 2018 22:24:

II am so excited to hear this. This positive post of yours is worth tons! Continued hatzlachah.

Godspeed to you!

Soo ....a development that is many years but I never posted about it ......my wife has become very anti religion and Hashem ......she has very little patience for when I take a moment to daven 

everyday i feel like i turned her against Judaism by being fake all the years ....but now I am trying to be different .
...I am really learning about the "y" behind my real problems ....and deafening and trying to be closer to Hashem is something that not only is I feel crucial for my corrections but also helps center me 

she feels as an athI eat that prayer is a waste of time .....I can only talk here because being an anonymous forum more or less identifying is nigh Impossible and this for me is therapeutic.....but this rift in belief might be what finally breaks us 

I don't know if this is helpful or not but I remember hearing once that R' Uri Zohar (famous Israeli actor who was chozer betshuva) had a similar situation when he first started becoming religious. What got his wife on board was seeing the beauty of Judaism and not the seemingly stifling restrictions. I don't know your situation but it seems to me that if you would be able to show her the good side of Judaism aka true Judaism you would have a better situation. Obviously this takes time but ultimately you'll be better off. Even if this advice is totally unhelpful remember that there are people out there that take from their time to try to help because they care about you. Hashem should help you in all the ways you need help. Hatzlacha! 

Sooo I have identified that every time I indulge in smut or porn or wtvr I end up losing that day and if I do it on motzai shabbat I can possibly lose a week 

lose meaning my spritual intake for the week usually somehow takes a BIG hit as does my family life ....it always ALWAYS HAPPENS ....almost at least 

and even though I KNOW this i STILL indulge about once a week though master a...n and other issues I had seem to sometimes have more handle on 

soo I might have an addiction now completely identifiable because it hurts and has no positive and I only do it for the "high"

well that makes it an illness ....not better but maybe I can now learn more about myself ad how to let go 

hitting bottom is hitting bottom 

nothing else is

As is my normal custom I am continuing to " try" to do better ....I make 0 commitment 

except I have committed to doing whatever mitzvot I can as happily as possible 

even though I end up putting on tefillin right before zman rabbeinu tam IF I'M ZOCHE!!

most days I end up praying (saying at some point amidah) about once a day maybe twice 

and in a community chock full of minyanim of every type I mostly pray alone 

Most of the day I spend helping my wife do everything for my children, may they grow in Torah, and most of the time that entails doing 90 -100%of for granted tasks 

I do this because as messed up as I am in truly love my family and only want to see them succeed and if necessary and possible come back to the light of Torah and mitzvot 

even though I am the instrument of the destruction that has befallen us so far ....(well there were many, many factors but I only control my actions) I continue to work towards a better day ....only today and tomorrow is always tomorrow 

I still carry the shame of what I became everyday and probably for eternity 

but I also recognize that alot of it was from severe undetected and untreated abuse and neglect especially emotional ...and only now am starting to step back and really see what and how it all happened and am turning around slowly and purposefully bit by bit 

I dunno maybe Hashem has something else to show me 

Your courage in sharing all that, and more important - in accepting all that, is incredible. Do you have a support team? Most of us who experienced emotional abuse to any level either have spent quality time with therapists who can help us get past the past, and/or have one or two select friends either here from GYE or elsewhere who  we can reach out to. (I have not read through all 43 pages of your thread, so if you already answered that elsewhere, my apologies)

I started this topic in 2013 .....a full 5 + years ago well before certain events in my life occurred 

in that time I have hit bottom after bottom ....despite being on the forum and having close connections with some of the top key players here on the gye site ....I was here before they moved the site 

soo many things happened, changed, and some stayed the same despite 

in this time I have learned of my multiple personalities and their differences and particularities such as one that is essentially a selfish 10 year old in a 35 year olds body 

I have learned that despite how I personally feel about myself 

I know in my hear of hearts that I am a good person ...and i have fought against all manner of inner demons that i continue to face minute by minute at times 

it is all in part to teach me to humble myself 

but I still feel like I don't know how Hashem feels about me