Thank you cordnoy ....you have been here since i started this thread
..i have come to accept (at least for now) ....everything that is happening as גם זו לטובה ........i am not like many people .....my problems are not typical .....i live a very certain type of life.....and sometimes one does things that seem simple enough but they cannot be undone ......me and my wife will be fine .....if i can accept things and keep going ......but they are different ......i wonder if anyone here has had a similar experience ....i know i am being vague much .....but i am afraid still to say what some of my problems are exactly ....but marital problems ......and i dont still have the support i would like ....

its funny .....everyone has certain concequences per everything they do ....but many times one persons consequence for a negative action or word is not the same for another person.....

Loving your spouse must be completely selfless at times ......where the only reward is the continued good health of your spouse ....and your family....HASHEM IS GREAT AND I LOVE HIM

laughingman wrote:


Yes I have....and I still don't know what's goin' on.

Your attitude seems upbeat so keep that up.

B'hatzlachah

I havent been trying as hard .....part of me feels hopeless....part of me keeps trying ....and part of me is just tired ...ALL THE TIME .....i still am on the same project i was working on since june

.....i dont work fast or evenly .....i just do what i can .....

I was given for very little energy in a given day

I can relate to low energy problems. I notice that when I eat healthy and cut down on sugar and carbs that my energy levels go way up. Obviously getting regular consistent sleep is important.

Those times when the yetzer comes back as a learned one and reminds you of all the stupid mean things you did in your marriage that caused your current situation ....i did cause my situation ....i didnt listen to advise i got here even ....now my battle for real clarity and sobriety are even harder ....or easier depending how one sees it ....i always remember ...i could have had it all really ....and i shoved it away with anxiety and abruptness....it matters little how sorry i am .....i never give up .
..i alwayd hope on .....one day at a time .....but i must face the darkness i caused ....and look into.it .....because it affected my wife who.i love and it cannot be forgiven ......oh welll back to the life

A real warning ......if nothing else i want all those still gambling with these issues who havent felt the need to change .......stop now!!

The consequences are dire! ....and real ....dont think what you do in the bathroom wont affect you...wont come back to get you .....the y'h WILL take your life and turn it into a chemical addiction ...even you are not a real addict ...and the evil unleashed WILL eventually break what is most dear to you ....but G-DS MERCY is infinite and his patience real ..but if you keep going you will eventually wake up and see a sea of destruction behind you ....if i ever merit true redemption from my own foolish behavior it may be because i will scare all those still breathing from drowning

About 1 month ago .....i was relative from now .....on cloud 9 .....i was on a conference call ...i was able to control myself at least alittle ...and i was even directly talking to duvid chaim ....but then i said some bad things to my wife out of frustration for a situation she was not involved in ...and my relationship with her took what seems like a permanent nose dive ....and soo has my commitment to this fight it would seem ......constant slipping/falls whatever ......i dont even know if i care anymore ....my wife isnt like other women ....she doent really have or want a support group ....of any kind ....her whole life has been one frustrating situation after another ....and was supposed to be there for her ....even in our childhood i wasnt really there ...when we were friends ....i do try ....i even believe that maybe some people i talk to feel i really am there for her as much as possible ...but i know i couldve been better .....she only continues to live now partly because of my effort ...i just feel soo lost in this thing ....i know that perfection is impossible for people ...but where is the line of perfection seeking and where is the line of simply being normal ....or decent more accurately .....

I think ....if anyone can take one lesson only from here ...of all the lessons, anecdotes, etc.

THE most important one ..

ONE DAY AT A TIME ....

It is essential ...and it is taught repeatedly throughout the torah

"As I taught you TODAY"....."if you will heed TODAY" ...

Shema is daily ...and taking things in ones trains a person in the one-ness of Hashem

After everything is said .....there was a time where i used to at least get a few weeks in before i acted out or fell or anything ....not Recently


Its like i have gone backwards ....i Dont have the motivation ....i have Already fallen and lost soo much.....

I have soo much more to do ....nothing that a litttle lusting cant ruin ....but the funny thing is my whole addiction has shifted somewhat ....

I will keep trying ....cause i cant stop ....only death itself can make me stop trying to be clean

Hey, I know I havent been here long and I don't know exactly what it is you're going through but I do want to encourage you. It is always frustrating, constantly feeling like you're in the wrong even when you're trying so hard to be the good person you wish you could be. I definitely understand wanting to just give up but knowing you can't ever stop trying. And looking at all the pain caused....

Just remember, Elohai Elohai neshama shenatata bi t'horah hi. You are a good and pure person. This world has taught you some bad habits but you are innately good and pure as evidenced by your desire to be a good person. The yetzer hara feeds off of your depression by turning your outlook on life so negative. When you see the wonderful soul Hashem has intended you to be (and who, indeed, you are) it makes it much easier to face these challenges. Focus on the good in you and it will prevail. You don't have to see it to know it's there.

As for the situation with your wife, I can't speak much but there was another forumer here that said something quite useful that I will paraphrase. You can't make up for the bad or change it. But you can replace the bad memories with good ones. And in time, the past won't look so hopeless in light of a brighter present.

May peace be upon you,
Michael

I feel soo super depressed now
...and soo down ...all i know how to do is feel sorry for myself
...thats all i know how to do ....my whole life is just a series of stupid mistakes ....i cant take it anymore .....

Do the next right thing.

Life goes on .....

Onces upon a time ....i was on this site trying to get straight on my sexual lust addiction ....trying to learn how to be a good husband ....trying to improve ....wtvr .....i realize how much i had ....how many times i could have and should have turned back .....

I know i know i shouldnt dwell on this stuff ....but its all i feel sometimes .....as i look back and see how little i am even trying these days ....i havent exactly given up ....but i feel pretty close at times ....all i wanted was to be a good husband ....to be a good father ....and i failed constantly .....and the funny thing is there are real mean guys out there whos families simply cower in fear of them ....i dont wish to be like them ....G-d forbid .....but why רשע וטוב לו to such an extreme ....its succot here ....and i am fighting to simply be sameach with whatever portion G-d sees fit to give me .....but we are taught that a person is not to be reminded of his past sins if he even seems to be trying to improve ....but all i get sometimes is reminded .....

laughingman wrote:


Once again....my heart goes out to you.

Are you open to meet?