In some ways, it's much better than before. There is always a bit of lingering doubt in my wife's mind, but it's rarely an issue now. Would love to talk.

Hi Friends,
B"H the RBS"O allowed me to work things out with my wife and explain to her how I just want to be good and I never intentionally hurt her. The pain of shoving a knife into her chest and witness her writhing in pain that I experience because of the things I have done is simply too much to bear. I had fair warning from my friends here to clean up my act before I get caught and I even knew she was suspicious before she caught me yet I was so possessed by lust that I did not stop. Now it is too late and things are permanently changed. Please, all my friends who have not been caught YET, -please get sober now. It is simply not worth it.
Your broken hearted Chaver.

i don't remember hearin' from you about the suspicion part....did you ever verbalize that?
i am havin' similar thoughts.....

continued hatzlachah

I never verbalized it because in my fantasy land, she did not know. Had I stopped lusting for a few moments, long enough to think straight, maybe I would have realized it. It was pretty obvious for any sane person to have realized. Unfortunately, I was insane at the time.

pischoshelmachat wrote:


This is a painful post. I am so sorry that you are down and out. However, honesty and sincerity with her, Tefillah and time can lead to happiness that at this point is hard to envision.

You know when a person has a heart attack the body naturally develops new arteries for proper blood flow. I think after sinning, or losing trust in a relationship the same type of thing happens.

You don't really ever go back to exactly the way it was. But new arteries of life develop that are appropriate and meaningful. This is Hashem's kind and ingenious way of healing and giving us the new opportunity that's conducive to getting close to him in our new found circumstances.
Don't despair. you blew it- yeah you did(didn't we all in some manner?)- but living in the doghouse will most likely be only a temporary phenomenon -in time you could very well have a much deeper more REAL relationship with your wife, in a way you could never have imagined it ever being.

Thank you Yiras.
I am no longer in the dog house. My wife is understanding, loving, selfless and forgiving. But she is also human. Just because she is nice to me doesn't mean she is not in pain that I caused.
I am trying so hard to be a good husband and father, and she sees it. She appreciates that I am really working on myself..but deep down inside, she wonders who I really am and if what I sunk to is really no more than what I admitted to AFTER she caught me.

I imagine after 120 when the video of my life plays, what will my Shver say? What will my wife say? What will my parents and grandparents say? How will I feel as everyone is watching me in the most compromising position watching filth.
OUCH!
Oy Lanu Meoso Booshah!!

My Rosh Yeshivah once said that T'shuvah will delete the video so there will be blank moments throughout the video that represent the "moments" we have done t'shuvah for. I can see everyone saying, "HMMM, I wonder what he was doing for those 10 minutes? For those 3 hours? You think he was speaking Lashon Harah to himself in his office? In the bathroom?"
I wonder which song will be playing in the background during the blank scenes in my video. (If I am zoicheh to T'shuvah and they are in fact blank)

I have learnt that with proper teshuva, our avaros actually turn to mitzvos. So when that part of the clip comes, it will be interesting to see what mitzvah is playing instead .

I hope I can ever attain T'shuvah Me'Ahava. Right now it is Yirah and not even Yiras Shamayim, Rather Yiras Ishti. But Hey..whatever works.
I hope that my yiras shamayim will be like yiras ishti and i hope my ahavas hashem should be like my ahavas ishti so I can be zoiche to T'shuvah Me'Ahava!

Stop pitying yourself.

Focus on now.

Not the past that you did.

Not the teshuvah in the future.

Not the videos in the much further future.

Now.

You hurt your wife in the past? It's done. Nothing you say and nothing you do can change that. It's done. Stop dwelling on it, and move on. Show her now that you love her. Make her happy now. Be open and honest and sincere now. Show her who you really are.

Now.

I hear you Skep

After getting kicked in the pants from Skep and Cordnoy,for being gloomy and sad, I realized that I must count my blessings.
B"H I have a marvelous wife who is completely selfless who really appreciates all my hard work to stay clean, who realizes that since joining GYE I am a much better husband and father, who sacrifices to keep our finances in order and always with a warm smile.
B"H I have a wife who loves me, respects me, serves me like a king, and takes care of me with compassion, care and love.
B"H I have a good Parnossa, good friends, great children, son in laws and grandchildren, beautiful house and wonderful life.
B"H I have a huge geshmak in learning, davening and especially Shabbos and Yom Tov, I love living as a Yid.
B"H I am healthy and strong.
B"H that I was chosen by HKB"H to be tested with this struggle of lust but he also gave me the tools to overcome this challenge; tools that mandate I have an extra special close connection with him at all times 24/7/365. I can talk and do talk to HKB"H whenever I have privacy, crying to him for help like a son to a father.
B"H I feel that he is holding my hand and supporting me wherever I am and he is listening to my bakoshos and giving me some respite from this struggle.
B"H I feel so close that I started asking him to help me with all my challenges including parnossa, children, learning.
B"H I have such a great network of GYE friends who support me with this struggle.
SO, after careful consideration,
I AM A VERY HAPPY GUY!!

Hay! I missed the cordnoy kicking! Did he delete it?
Seriously though, that list is beautiful. If I were you, I would print it and paste it inside your hat (with some small changes, so the guy sitting next to you in shul doesn't have to find out Everything).
Actually, I might just do that myself with my own list. Thanks.

Thank you. Cordnoy actually sent a text so I knew he means business.
Thank you Cordnoy for getting me to a good place.