Well, as of Thursday night I got a big push to stay clean. It just so happens that that push came right after a fall, but that's irrelevant.

About the GYE thing, as I wrote, I took this last fall very hard, it cam as a terribly great disappointment to me, and I have that feeling of "better to not get attached to anyone than to be connected and then separated", here also, I feel like I don't want to get high because the fall was so painful.

This push is a start, and only that, and even though I know that external pushes will not take care of the problem, I am taking this opportunity and start keeping clean one day at a time, using the push for now for whatever it's worth and I will (or won't) deal with what happens after that, but that's irrelevant for now.

I would like to mention one thing that I mentioned to two friends, and I am certain that I am actually the cause of it, but I feel that my status here is different than when I first joined. I will just say that (if I want to be sober) I need other peoples' help, I need to hear their experiences that they think I may be able to learn from, I need to hear their victories in order for me to gain hope from them, I need to be reminded that I am not the answer and I cannot figure everything out.

Thanks to all of you that have sent me emails even when it seems that I ignored them, that is certainly not the case, and quite the contrary, each one makes the desire to be sober again stronger, keep them coming!!

over and out....

Just another guy on this bus

Life is like a heartbeat. If there were no ups and downs you wouldn't be alive.

Pidaini I know I know how you feel. What separates the men from the boys is those who keep going even when sometimes its tough and you don't know why things are turning out like it is.

This song is powerful: mostlymusic.com/products/lazer-siegelman-stars-will-shine

Stars will shine!

Hashem loves you and at times its hard to take but the fact is he wanted you to fall on Thursday night. Accept that everything is in his will. We can only make sure that the next step we take is the right one but everything else must be left to Hashem. No matter how you feel, He is right their above you.

We don't always have answers to why things happen. The trick is to take each test as an opportunity to grow. The greater the person the more potential therefore more tests and more growth. Hashem sees the person with more potential and guides him with tests in order to grow. You wonder why all the greatest people had so many challenges.

Do you really think Hashem needs our prayers? What does prayer do? When שרה didn't have a child, do we really think this was some cruel joke by Hashem? Has Hashem not realised that שרה has not had a child and only now after all this prayer does Hashem realise. No! Hashem sees potential.

Hashem sees that שרה has huge potential. You have HUGE potential !

Therefore Hashem makes it that people with greater potential have greater tests. By giving tests we are given the opportunity to grow and pray. Hashem doesn't need our prayer. Everything is for the final purpose which is ultimately for the good.

Pidaini wrote:


Long flight back.
Had its challenges.
Planned ahead, and read step 2 in the action book as soon as I entered hotel.
I don't like it that I need to come onto that, but that is all what the first two steps are about.

b'hatzlachah

At least it wasn't a bus ride,that would have been reeeeealllllly long!

The monstuh wheels help though

Hey people.
Guess who's back.
me.
yay.
whatever. just wanted to make myself heard.
sorry to hijack your thread for that.
I havn't gotten up to date on your thread but it appears like were both thinking of making some sort of an effort at a comeback.
Maybe together?
Feeling pretty depressed right now.
Whatever. Let me know whats going on with you.
Here or anywhere.
You know how to get hold of me.

Welcome back!

I feel like a real newcomer....

I fell, downloaded and looked through pornography pictures and masturbated.

Granted, I was tired, not really happy that I got up so late and had to (got to) run to the grocery before davening, and that I couldn't even eat breakfast, but that's all normal, it's the fact that I didn't even bother to try and reach out that bothers me a bit.

Day 1, and that's cool because for the past few weeks (or months) I didn't really even start.

hi reb yankel.
we are all here for reason.
newcomers, oldcomers and everyone in between.
make yourself at home.
because you are at home.

Thanks lavi!!

I really appreciate the reminder that I am home, with all my siblings , and to have such accepting and encouraging siblings isn't always the way it goes nowadays.

I believe you're going to make it because you picked yourself up right away. I'm curious about "I didn't even really start". Do you have a routine you go through to help yourself?

The acceptance piece (others with us and us with them) is the openin' for recovery.
Truthfully, that's the easy part.
The difficulty is acceptin' ourselves.
that can be @#4tty.

Ever stop and pause and stare at the screen for moments on end?
that's what I just did.
Acceptin' ourselves with all our defects, for there ain't no foolin' us!
Tough task, and a lifelong one as well (although in recovery, it gets easier).

b'hatzlachah

Cords hit it on the head! I've realized that it's easy to give chizzuk to others when they fall and tell them to keep moving forward and that they're awesome, but it's so much harder to believe it myself when i fall.

(Belated) welcome back, Yankel! !!!!

Shakeitoff wrote:


What I meant is that I didn't really decide that I was going to try and stop, however it would go it would. When I do decide that I want to stop, then I know that I need to keep in touch and connected with fellow strugglers and others outside of myself and to stay honest with myself (which is hard to do without being open with others).

ineedchizzuk wrote:


A belated Thank You!!

In the venue of what cordnoy wrote, this is obviously not a new thing

Shteeble wrote:


One of the things I thought today is that I don't lie to myself, as the saying goes "I never once took a drink if I didn't think it was the right thing to do". I'm not going to lie to myself and tell myself that I love myself, it's not my style. But then I'm stuck, huh?

Well, the answer fluttered through my head today! I realized that at first glance I decide that I'm not worthy of being loved, even by myself, but that is the point that I can go back to and reevaluate the situation, and the truth will then be able to shine through.....I am worthy of being loved, if only by myself!!

I have written it before, but there is good reason that I try telling myself that I'm not even worthy of it, that gives me a "right" to be miserable, but it isn't the truth.

Have a great Shabbos everyone!!!