ok, I fell today, not sure if I'm over with it (that way I don't have to feel bad if I fall again soon).

I don't like writing profound thoughts right after a fall, but here goes.

actually, I don't have patience to write everything now, so just one point.

It's been 3 and some weeks now, and BH it feels like it was one day (not that I fell yesterday, but that the sober time was one day, not stretched over a long time.) That is awesome, because that means that during those three weeks I was living in the moment, so there really wasn't a long time, it was all one moment!! Where as the last two days still feel very long, they were days of whiteknuckling, of not being in the moment of living in my head in the future and the past, and the past is very long and the future is even longer, no wonder they feel like forever!!

more to come when the I have decided that I finished falling.

have a great shabbos everyone, check out the parsha weekly, first vort, it's awesome!!

וַיַּעֲבֹד יַעֲקֹב בְּרָחֵל שֶׁבַע שָׁנִים וַיִּהְיוּ בְעֵינָיו כְּיָמִים אֲחָדִים בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ אֹתָהּ

it should have been punkt farkert! It should have felt like the loooooooongest time. But because he knew that he loves her dearly, he chose to look at all those days as singles. odaat.


this was revealed to me from looking at Yaakov's sulam.




KOT Yankel
Pada bashalom nafshi

Hey Yankel this time I was caught in shock, no indication that it was coming. Unfortunately I know that feeling, however try not to use the fall as an excuse to "fill in" on what you "missed" during your period of sobriety, (as I have done in the past!!)

We all have confidence that you will get through this.

KUYGW!!

it snowed in Yerushalayim again?

Im always in shock by Yankel's falls.

yankel did you also fall off the planet?

dd wrote:


Basically, I mean where is London anyway? I would certainly think it's on a different planet!!

But yes, I did fall off the planet, facts of what happened are a massive mixture of isolation, LOTS of extra time on my hands, and completely, entirely, unexpected opportunity (which was way to good to be wasted), there was a dash of "end of TaPHSiK" syndrome as well, and a touch of sleep deprivation.

it's amazing how long the last four days have been (it is more like three, but hen they'd be realllllllly long, so if we call it four it's not as shocking). I wasn't interested in stopping, I don't have a schedule and I was really enjoying it.

I had written up a new TaPHSiK, but I didn't want to say it. I was just not interested in doing anything to stop. That changed a little last night. The only thing I was willing to do yesterday was to try and figure out how much time I have now, and what I would want to do with it.

I was appalled!! I made a calculation of 9 hours of empty time!!! 9 hours of empty time....IN ISOLATION!!! No wonder, huh? Now I could start defending myself as to why I didn't take care of it beforehand, the simple answer is that i didn't think that the isolation would hit as quickly as it did, and I didn't think I'd be able to get the internet connection that I have. But bygones are bygones, and today is the first that I feel that I want to get back into giving to life. It's already not easy, and the will isn't all that strong, I still may end up digging myself a little deeper.....wish I could say that I won't, but the cravings have already come strong this morning, time will tell.

I did, for the first time since Friday, talk to Hashem today, and I asked Him to help me just for today, literally just for today, to use my time wisely.

Looks like I'm back, for today!!

Thanks everyone for all the support and the ego boosts (even though those are never good) see y'all around!!!

Duvid Chaim says every morning upon awakening: God, I'm about to put my feet on your "planet", I'll let You "plan-it".

More than a cute pun it really means something if you say it - and you can even leave the pun out, just sayin': באשעפער, שכויח פאר'ן צוריקגעבען מיין נשמה, האסט עס מיר צוריקגעגעבען כדי איך זאל קענען טוהן דיין רצון, אבער מיינע שלעכטע מידות שטעלען מיך צו מיין אייגענע רצון, העלף איך זאל זיי קענען בייקומען און טוהן דיין רצון

Not really the same thing, I know, but similar.

After two full days of being clean, I threw myself down again this morning......twice. In between I renewed my TaPHSiK, and then went on to make sure there were still ways around it....

This is it, I've had enough. There is a limit to everything!!!

I want to live real life again, and I will. One day at a time seems so difficult again....but that's really all there is.

I really realized the power of isolation, it's REALLY powerful. The tzad hashaveh of every time that I fall is that I didn't speak to my friends that day (or the day before and up until the fall). But yesterday, after I finished watching a very kosher movie (not that I would have cared had it not been), I thought "you should really call someone" and I answered "no, now I have to go learn".....wow!!...and I fell this morning.

So bli neder, I will call at least two friends a day, one between davening and lunch, and one between lunch a supper. V'chol hamarbeh harei zeh meshubach.

Please do not hesitate to post your feelings, for I know that people do.

Diary: Day 1, hour 2, 16 minutes and thirty-seven seconds (for a true eved Hashem like me values every second and moment...especially bein hazmanim):

Now, when I said that I will call a friend between breakfast and lunch, that is only if I eat breakfast, but if I skip breakfast, then I don't need to call...haha! Figured it out. And even if I do eat breakfast, in shulchan aruch it says that one needs pas shacharis, and there's a machlokes regarding cereal, and certainly if I only ate an egg, I didn't eat breakfast, so there! And on a day when I do wash and eat bread, perhaps it wasn't the shiur kedei seviah, but let us even say that I did eat breakfast, who says I will eat lunch, and that is a davar shelo ba l'oilam, and according to the bnei yissoschar's pshat in that, Tzu felt in gemirus daas, so lunch is not even in the equation, and of course if I don't intend on eatin' lunch, I don't need to call after breakfast, for the call would be prior to eatin' supper; and when that time comes around, I can say that I have no necessity to call, for I didn't eat lunch. And truth be told, even when I do eat breakfast and lunch, do I really need to call someone? As long as I bumped into a friend on the street, that is sufficient, for the tachlis was to avoid isolation, and lo and behold, I had a conversation with a friend. "Hello" and "good mornin'" count as well. And what happens if I call and he doesn't pick up? I called! And truthfully, even if I disconnect after one ring, hey! I did call! Is it my gesheft that he didn't respond. That is what the Heilige bashefa had in store for me! So there! Did I leave out anythin'? The Ribbono shel oilam has faith in special me that He gave me this nisayon, and at the same time, He gave me those precious tools to deal with 'em: I installed a filter on computer (which I can crack); I made a tapshik about clickin' on celebrities, especially cute 19 year olds, a tapshik about kosher movies, a tapshik about not so kosher ones (and there is no real way to get around these, unless of course I say five perakim of tehillim or help my wife with the groceries or change one diaper of shprintza yenta or shalom dov ber, or if I chazer the biur of the sfas emes why he disagrees with the keren orah in the sugya of dam shenishpach in the explanation of the rambam with the din of ya'asfenu); and I even made up to talk to two friends a day between meals.

So...in the words of my neighbor Lorde, [I'm kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air]: "So there!"

EL OH EL

CORDNOY

ROCK ON.


yANKel! SHPriNTZa yenTA CHANgeD HER nAmE?

Hey Yankel,

It's hard watching you flounder like this. Get a grip. Get back in your truck and keep truckin! Even if you feel like you will die if you don't give in, DON'T GIVE IN. I'm pretty sure you will live. The first few days will be tough. Like you said, call friends. Get busy. Come clean my ovens (zeh neheneh v'zeh neheneh )

Just trying to give you a little jolt! You have come so far, hop back in the truck!

Love,

Gibbor

Well Well Well nothing like a bit of fun in Adar.... I mean Nissan

Let me first say that I spoke to someone, BEFORE he posted his post (I doubt I would have called him afterwards ) and I was very pleasantly surprised. We had a good talk, I think I was honest, I guess he could tell me if he thinks I wasn't. BH, I feel like myself again. YES, it was in between breakfast and lunch, and in middle of helping my shvigger (not yours, TZ!!)!!!!!!!

Secondly, a little clarification, and I don't know if this will go over right. I see there being two different aspects of my struggle, one is handcuffing myself, arms, legs, and blindfolding my eyes, etc. in order not to let me act out on desires.

The second is living real life, using my time productively, one day at a time, realizing that I am special just doing what's right, even if it's the same as everyone else, being in touch with the outside of my head, etc.

the TaPHSiK that I made was supposed to be a reinforcement of the latter, a way to remind me to use my time more wisely. In fact, the reason that I didn't make it until today was because I wasn't really interested in real life! I generally don't put too much effort into the first, because I'm a pro, and I know that there will always be a way around, and that's not the best anyway.

The same is with calling people, it's just that I've seen one pattern in the few last falls that I lax on staying in touch with the outside world, and I end up falling, so keeping in touch is a way to stay out of my head and to stay in real life. So it's just another tool for me to stay continue living!

Now, the TaPSHiK sort of caused an automatic cry of distress from Mr. ME aka Special ME, he wanted to make sure that he still had a chance, but the point of the TaPHSiK wasn't to try and stop him.

I am back!!! I am HERE, TODAY!!!!!!!

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah Yankel, Gibbor was slaving away at his oven, you really oughtta come help him. They sell (Real) Greek Yogurt here too, ok?
carry on, chaps

YAY!!! the REAL Yankel!!

PS. you can call me in between midnight snack and breakfast!