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Fighting hard on my way to 90

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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

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TOPIC: Fighting hard on my way to 90 2580 Views

Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 20 Jan 2012 14:43 #131249

chaimyakov Current streak: 61 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 399 Karma: 5	AWESOME JOB! The yh has many tactics and tricks. When a full frontal assault is no longer effective, he will try to come around the side with a big smile on his face holding a gift in his hands. If you are not careful and you accept the gift, it is only a matter of seconds before it explodes in your face. Beware the yh, beware. Hatzlacha in all things GOOD. chaimyakov
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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 22 Jan 2012 03:19 #131329

613mevakesh
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A_new_begining wrote on 20 Jan 2012 13:36:

I think that the 90 days is great, its quite weird though because up until the point that i decided that I am ready to take this on and start to run my life rather than letting P and M run my life... I never managed to go for longer than a week...1 week! that's it! in my years of trying I never went longer than that. I am a perfectionist and when I want to do something I become very upset when things dont work out the way I wanted, and P and M was definitely NOT what I wanted.

BH, i spoke to a close friend and Rav and he was very surprised that I came to him but was so authentic and genuine and wanted to help me and pointed me in the direction of GYE. I started up a couple weeks ago and started with the 90 day chart and BH I am actually getting there (i'm on day 67 or 68) I have been staying away from watching any movies or anything that might incite the lust in me and that's been hugely helpful. BUT the last few days, iv been looking at some site where people can upload and post pictures of anything from cars, to shops, to places, to their dream home to inspirational quotes, and I stumbled on some quotes that just got my blood boiling

the more I lingered there, the more i found myself thinking about some of the things I used to think about and it was crazy how in over 60 days my head had been clear of these and all of a sudden they came wondering back in.

BH i realised what was going on and quickly left but found myself looking at the same site again that evening. wow the YH has crazy ways of luring us in but we have to just remain strong and we have to learn to recognise what makes us go after the shmutz and learn to pull back and take control before we are dragged in..... it happens in an instant. anyway I thought I could just share my experience to further strengthen in my own mind what I really want for my life and family and hope that this serves as chizuk for everyone else out there who shares in this painful reality.

Hi there A_new_begining!!

I see that you're "newish" around here like me, so WELCOME!!

I'm really impressed with your progress and wish I could say that I'm already at day 68. I'm at day 17 or so, and I can really identify with your struggle that you had the other day.

When I first started the 90 day thing I had a lot of enthusiasm being that I was coming off of a low "low". The very next day I received an explicit text message offer on my phone. I had never received something like it before on my phone. It must have been from some number I called. I immediately deleted it. There wasn't even a question about it. I have my wife as my accountability partner so I told her what happened. So we called Verizon and blocked the number. A few days later I received another one. This time I was shocked and upset. Here I am trying to improve and the fruits of my old labor is coming to haunt me!! A couple days later, on the day I was supposed to renew my "tafsik" neder, I received another text message. This time I didn't delete it right away. I had already been debating in my mind, what if such a thing would come before I renewed my neder, then there was no way I would renew my neder and I would surely fall. And then it happened! I had the text message in my phone with only a few hours to go until my neder was up and I signed my life away.
Somehow I got the courage and I called my wife and told her I was about to throw the towel in. B”H she is a great accountability partner and definitely not a pushover!! Giving in was just not an option! I deleted the text while she was on the phone and renewed my neder also. B”H I managed to change my phone number and I haven’t received any texts since!!

BLESS YA ALL!!!

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 22 Jan 2012 15:28 #131355

chaimyakov Current streak: 61 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 399 Karma: 5	hashemmavakesh, one word for you: AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hatzlacha in all things GOOD. chaimyakov
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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 23 Jan 2012 13:48 #131409

mayimtehorim OFFLINE Junior Boarder Posts: 27 Karma: 0	Hashemavakesh, how did you tell your wife? Does she know for a long time? I cant imagine telling my wife at this point. What was her reaction?
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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 24 Jan 2012 17:04 #131535

obormottel OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1440 Karma: 6	Has any of the new guys read the Newcomer's Welcome Package? or at least "GYE in the Nutshell"? It's a goldmine here, I hope you use all the tools available to your advantage. Hatzlocho. Don't go it alone, we are all here for you!
	Baby steps. If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas! Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans. Last Edit: by .

Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 25 Jan 2012 05:05 #131656

613mevakesh Current streak: 34 days OFFLINE Fresh Boarder Posts: 15 Karma: 0	chaimyakov wrote on 22 Jan 2012 15:28: hashemmavakesh, one word for you: AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the AWESOME!!! well needed chizuk!
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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 25 Jan 2012 05:16 #131660

613mevakesh
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mayimtehorim wrote on 23 Jan 2012 13:48:

Hashemavakesh, how did you tell your wife? Does she know for a long time? I cant imagine telling my wife at this point. What was her reaction?

It wasn't easy and it was a gradual process until I told her everything. According to the GYE people, you shouldn't tell your wife until you're well on the way to recovery and/or perhaps in front of a therapist. This is probably what I should have done. (although I can't say I'm well on the way to recovery, just on the way.....finally!).

I don't have much time to elaborate now. Hopefully more to come. I won't have an internet connection in my house for maybe a week, so I shlep somewhere every time to get wifi. B"H I'm getting a Jnet "Whitelist" internet connection!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 01:40 #131765

613mevakesh
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mayimtehorim wrote on 23 Jan 2012 13:48:

Hashemavakesh, how did you tell your wife? Does she know for a long time? I cant imagine telling my wife at this point. What was her reaction?

Mayimtehorim,

First of all how's your 90 day journey goin'? B"H I hit a mile stone today - THREEEE WEEEKS CLEEEEAAAN!!!!! ;D ;D
first time really clean since like 9th grade. I've gone for almost 7 weeks b4 but that was when my wife was muttar, but now since our baby there no "outlet".

Just curious, how long are you married? I asked my wife your question about asking your wife, and she said it would depend on many factors. For e.g. if your married a really long time, there will be much more shock/pain that you were hiding stuff from her.

I told my wife about some of my struggles earlier on (at that point I happened to think I would be able to stop bec. "I'm married"..... what a mistake). I told her that she's saving me from aveiros (at that point it was true). I'm not going into too much detail now, however it was only 3 and 1/2 weeks ago that I told her that I still have a real problem and that it's an addiction (I myself had only learned this about myself a month and 1/2 ago when I stated browsing on GYE). I told her everything I'd seen on GYE. I said I want to stop bec. I love you, and i need your help . I need encouragement. If I know that my wife is into my recovery then I have more to work for. She still took it pretty hard but I calmed her and now she's been pretty supportive. She also said she's appreciative that I told her everything bad that I had been up to, so I didn't leave any doubts in her mind like "who knows what my husband is doing behind my back." Then again, I don't know what your situation is exactly. I haven't ever actually done anything w/ any other actual woman, cuz if that had been the case, it would have been a different story wether/what I told her.

Let me know what you think

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 14:29 #131794

mayimtehorim
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I didn't come back here for a few days because I feel like a hypocrite. I was going strong and inspired and committed to 90 and everything for 22 days and then...I fell - out of nowhere. I started looking at something and then I felt like I am being a hypocrite and if I am looking and getting excited I might as well go all the way. And the following day, and the one after. Several days in a row. Maybe because I was scared of renewing Taphsic, maybe because I got overconfident in myself, out of boredom, out of habit. Addiction creeps up stealthily and benignly.

I feel horrible. Here you are, frum yidden, going strong, winning over your yetzer, but I fell. Makes me feel like I have no self-control, like I am very week. Its tearing me apart inside.

I renewed my Taphsic last night. I am starting again. From zero.

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 14:53 #131798

gevura shebyesod
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Hi MT (but not empty

)

You are not starting from zero. You have that wonderful accomplishment of 22 days, and that is yours to keep, forever. And now you move forward, and you have shown yourself that you can do it. Just keep working at it, each time it gets easier. Just keep your guard up and don't get complacent.

As we like to say around here, Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 15:41 #131801

gibbor120
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mayimtehorim wrote on 26 Jan 2012 14:29:

We're all weak, that's why we're here. You need to reach out DAVKA when you feel weak. We are not here to hoist big trophies that say "I am #### days clean" and flex our self-control muscles (my avatar notwithstanding ;D). We are here to admit that we are losers and need help... Only then can we start "winning", but don't use that word - or you'll return to being a loser again.

Keep your head up chabibi, we're in this together.

Last Edit: 26 Jan 2012 21:35 by .

Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 17:11 #131814

TehillimZugger OFFLINE Platinum Boarder לבד הנשמה הטהורה Posts: 2446 Karma: 34	mayimtehorim wrote on 26 Jan 2012 14:29: I am starting again. From zero. MAZEL TOV!!! Here's a holy jew that's starting again! Let's have a Lichaim!!!! Wooferd anyone?
	?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him? Last Edit: by .

Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 21:07 #131849

chaimyakov
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No one here hasn't fallen many times, even after "never again will i do that".
"Quitting is easy, i've done it a thousand times."

Glad you are still here, that is what counts. So, nu, what can you do besides Tapsic to help yourself? Do you have any "real" contact with other addicts either here or from SA? Many here are available for you to call when you need it including myself(pm me if you wish).

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

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Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 26 Jan 2012 22:07 #131854

obormottel OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1440 Karma: 6	Get up and keep going, friend. There is no shame in falling, there is shame in staying down. Mottel
	Baby steps. If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas! Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans. Last Edit: by .

Re: Fighting hard on my way to 90 31 Jan 2012 18:00 #132072

mayimtehorim
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Thank you all for Chizzuk. Still going strong. I don't really have anyone in my life aware of what Im struggling with. Not sure if telling my wife would make things worse at this point. I would really want to call someone, but a little hesitant since its not anonymous and not sure what to talk about: "Hi, yeah, I'm sitting here at work and just want to look at P*..." Not sure where that conversation would go.

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