I joined the forum recently and looks like this is the place to park myself as I am fighting on my way to 90 days. I am going on day 17. Yesterday was a difficult day. I couldn't get the garbage out of my head the entire day, to the point that I was going to fall just to clear my head and be able to learn, daven, talk and think normally. But with Hashem's help I did not fall. Today feeling much stronger, since I was home with my wife. I don't know what I would do if this would be during Niddah time. The time is coming soon and I am dreading it.

Please share any chizzuk, advice and feedback. It helps me tremendously, I can't do this by myself.

Let go.  Fighting it, being nervous/worried about it, being preoccupied with it all lead to 'needing' it.  Let go of your 'need' for it.  I used to count days until mikvah night, wonder if I can make it through 2 weeks...  I can't explain it that well, but mentally letting go and feeling, "I don't have to have it" has helped me to calm down and not 'need' it as much.

I keep on seeing the "let go" advice over and over again. It sounds great.

How can I let go when it's in my head? How can I let go if I have a constant urge?

Yesterday, I literally tried learning for my usual couple of hours and was so tense inside that I could barely even read, nevermind even understand what I'm learning. It gets me so tense to the point of physical tension in my entire body.

I wish I could just forget about it. Not so easy.

mayimtehorim wrote on 12 Jan 2012 17:47:

That's why I said that I'm not explaining it well.  Maybe someone else can explain it better.  I'm not sure 'how', I just know that after being here for a while, I found it easier to just let go and found that I wasn't fighting it as much.

I've been thinking about it.  Maybe I can offer one idea.  One of the things that hadn't occured to me was how selfish it is to act out.  That sounds pretty obvious, you say.  Well, I don't think that I realized it deep down.  I don't just mean selfish, because I ignore my responsibilites to others.  It's inherently selfish.  Being so preoccupied with what I need is part of the problem.  I can be very self-absorbed.  In dov's signiture it says something like "the heck with me, what can I do for you".  I started thinking about that.

Get out of your own head and own needs.  Do something for someone else.  Being focused on someone elses needs helps a lot.  As dov says, we can't think ourselves in right living, we can only live ourselves into right thinking.  If you do for others, you will become more humble.  You will let go of "what I need".

Can I ask, are you learning by yourself?  Interacting with others, building friendships, helps a lot.  The less time spent in your own head with your own thoughts, the better.

I hope this helps. 

Dear Mayimtehorim!

I'm also new around here and just started the 90 day thing (on day eight). when I read all of your posts I really felt like I was reading my own mind!
I can see in theory what gibbor120 is saying and I have to try to implement it.

let me know if you perhaps want to be my accountability partner bec. it sounds like we're pretty much in the same boat.
B"H my wife had a baby 3 weeks ago and for me to stop cold turkey feels like torture. I feel like sometimes I'm going to go crazy!
One thing that I found to be extremely helpful is to utilize the "TAPHSIC" method (info on this can be found in the "Tools" section of the website). I use it especially for keeping me away from even trying to look for turn ons.

GOOD LUCK Hashem's Shepping tons of Nachas from you ;D

By doing for others and focusing on their needs, we are taking a proactive step - playing offense so to speak.  It beats waiting for the Y"H to knock, and then trying to play defense.  That is much harder.

mayimtehorim wrote on 12 Jan 2012 13:03:

How's it goin' MayimTehorim?

hashemavakesh wrote on 13 Jan 2012 01:24:


Hashemavakesh, Mazal Tov on your new baby! May the baby bring nachas to you and your wife!

Let's join forces, we will definitively do this better together. I mostly access this forum at work, since I've created a pretty tough surveillance around my web use at home and my wife doesn't really know about this forum. I use WebChaver (works pretty good), got rid of my smartphone (I do need it sometimes for work, but so far managing without it). So on the weekends (Friday - Sun), I don't really have a way to access this forum.

I am going on day 21 of 90. TAPHSIC worked great for me for 2 weeks. On week 3, I found myself watching youtube video that I shouldnt have a few times over. I really wasn't sure whether it violated my shavua, because I wasn't specifically looking for this vid, but when I stumbled upon it, I did watch it a few times over. That was like on day 14 and it made that day and the following pure hell. With H"Y help, I did not fall. After thinking for a while, I decided to treat it as a potential violation of my SHAVUA and pay whatever I agreed to pay when I violate. I am very hesitant with TAPHSIC now, since I am afraid of not knowing when I failed its terms or not and end up breaking my shavua. So for the past week, I have been doing this without TAPHSIC.

What I really found helpful is Gibbor120's advice of "letting go." I always viewed sex or M* as an absolute requirement that one cannot live without. I formed this mindset mainly based on attitude toward sex in the secular world and its influences on me (read - "movies"), but also because of the attitude of several Rabbonim I know that told me "of you have a niddah shayla, wake me up any hour of the night" and their attitude to be lenient when a wife has a difficulty getting tahor. That attitude is of course correct in Halacha, but it did give me this "sex is an absolute and urgent must" idea that was at the forefront of my thinking.

After reading gibbor's advice on this forum, I did decide to "let go" and think to myself that I don't really need urgent release. I expected it not to work, but, to my surprise, it really did work. I stopped thinking about it and, even though my wife was tahor, I decided not to do it that night, since I did not feel a need for it. It really worked for me for the past 4 days. I know it must be more difficult for you, since your wife wont be tahor for a while, but now I feel that this is the only way to win this battle - forget about it. Instead of confronting a raging bull head on, step aside and let it run by you. The Y"H is only big and scary when you have this idea in your hear that you absolutely and urgently need it, but once you take this approach that you don't, its like a different world. Of course avoiding all possible triggers and making boundaries is the key to this mindset.

I am still struggling with this idea of NEVER doing it again. The idea of never enjoying P* again, is still very hard for me to digest, but I am playing mind-games with myself and substitute TODAY for NEVER, every time I think that and it makes it much easier. Nothing will happen if I don't enjoy it TODAY. I know that I am fooling myself, but so far it worked and I am holding on to whatever works for me TODAY. Taking it day by day.

How are you holding up on your way to 90? Let me know! Chazak, Chazak!

mayimT - your last post really helped me today

I have been going strong - am up to 58 days clean now and reading your post reminds me of some of the challenges I face and hope to get past ( someday)
The idea that your going to give up P for good is right now unpleasant because you feel that its one of the things that you really enjoy - or look forward to - even if you know deep down its not good for you

Two points
1. You don't need to focus on forever right now - just on today - it will be alot easier to suceed that way - just tell the YH to come back tomorrow and leave you alone just for today.
2. ultimately to really get better I think we need to understand that the urge for the false pleasure that P brings is just that a false pleasure - and that there is so much more good out there to enjoy if we would just let it go -

Imagine the feeling of  giving to your wife not becuase you were hoping that she would reciprocate to you but just becuase you wanted to give to her
\

no momement of p no matter how sewet is better than that
its hard to imagine
but you can get there
keep up the good work

mayimtehorim wrote on 16 Jan 2012 13:53:


Dear Mayimtehorim,

I didn't have internet the last couple of days. I'm trying to set up a new connection through jnet or yeshivahnet.

I read your post today and it couldn't have been at a better time. I had really challenging day and a couple of slips in fantasies/thinking when my wife will be tahor and it made me go insane! I've been trying to "let go" and I know this is the ONLY way to go. these slips made me depressed that there is so much more time and I CAN'T DO THIS!

I got very encouraged from your response today! B"H I'm still going strong! It's two weeks now!
Maybe we can be in touch, although I prefer by phone I don't know if you'll be comfortable with that.

You can send me a message privately, I may not get it though for a day or two.

Good Luck
Hashemavakesh

When the yh comes knocking or calling or screaming i acknowledge his presence then quickly dismiss him just like a telemarketer call.  "Hi, so nice of you to call(stop by).  I am sorry but I am so very busy right now I just don't have any time to give you.  Bye!"  It has worked for years with telemarketers and for 80 days with the yh.  Hope it works the same for you as well.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov 

chaimyakov wrote on 19 Jan 2012 17:33:

Great Mashal!!

I like it bec. I'm starting to find that if I face the YH with a little simcha and sense of humor, it's a lot easier.
I like to drive the telemarketers a little crazy!!  ;D ;D

Just say "Let me know when YOU are eating supper and I'll call you back!"  ;D

Hi All,

I think that the 90 days is great, its quite weird though because up until the point that i decided that I am ready to take this on and start to run my life rather than letting P and M run my life... I never managed to go for longer than a week...1 week! that's it! in my years of trying I never went longer than that. I am a perfectionist and when I want to do something I become very upset when things dont work out the way I wanted, and P and M was definitely NOT what I wanted.

BH, i spoke to a close friend and Rav and he was very surprised that I came to him but was so authentic and genuine and wanted to help me and pointed me in the direction of GYE. I started up a couple weeks ago and started with the 90 day chart and BH I am actually getting there (i'm on day 67 or 68) I have been staying away from watching any movies or anything that might incite the lust in me and that's been hugely helpful. BUT the last few days, iv been looking at some site where people can upload and post pictures of anything from cars, to shops, to places, to their dream home to inspirational quotes, and I stumbled on some quotes that just got my blood boiling the more I lingered there, the more i found myself thinking about some of the things I used to think about and it was crazy how in over 60 days my head had been clear of these and all of a sudden they came wondering back in.

BH i realised what was going on and quickly left but found myself looking at the same site again that evening. wow the YH has crazy ways of luring us in but we have to just remain strong and we have to learn to recognise what makes us go after the shmutz and learn to pull back and take control before we are dragged in..... it happens in an instant. anyway I thought I could just share my experience to further strengthen in my own mind what I really want for my life and family and hope that this serves as chizuk for  everyone else out there who shares in this painful reality.

wishing everyone a good shabbos