Stoppingforever,
I am a newbie with only a few days on board.  I have struggled with my lust for over 30 years and only recently can I admit that I am addicted to lust.  May Hashem grant us the ability to live in front of our addiction always one day ahead of it.  As Dov says (my paraphrase) as long as it is always today I can live with the thought that I might fall tomorrow.
Hatzlacha Rabba and continue shteiging.
chaimyakov

Thanks cy, dov, alex, gibor, gevura, you are the best!

..have a great today.

Chazak!

So today was:

Difficult... And I thought that it gets a little easier after a week. past recollections are all but forgotten.

I don't know if anyone here can relate to what I'm about to write, i will share it anyhow, since everyone here is very open about their struggles. Perhaps a shtikel chizuk from someone on the same boat / island / dessert.. K,k, to the point..

Long story short, my day started by me nearly being hit by two cars, on two separate occasions. All day long, wherever i walked, traveled, they kept coming out of the woodwork, very immodest, I turned to the right, to the left, they were everywhere. It was tough,  I was successful b"h,  i do not think i  looked (intentionally) at all. returning from work, I'm on the bus and here is the rest of the story.

To add to my repot-ware of challenges,  I have had a SSA issue, ever since I was molested. Not sure why, i think it somehow messes with neural pathways. (I have no issue with female attraction, it's both).

So I'm on the bus traveling home from the office, it's over an hour long ride, and I see a spot and sit down. And there is this guy, two seats away from me, I did not see his face, and I had this burning urge to look at him, which I resisted. And suddenly this guy (sicko) starts ever so subtly pleasuring himself, making it evident that he's sending me some sort of message.. and trying to get my attention, it became near impossible.

I thank Hashem for giving me the wisdom to have a Sefer in my bag, I pulled it out, started learning with all my might, it was difficult, very difficult. Guess what, this guy, stalker,sicko, hung around me the entire trip, I moved two spots over, and he moved two spots over.. I thought I'm going nuts.

I wanted to go to the front of the bus, but decided that I'm going to see this battle through to it's sweet or bitter end. I get like that sometimes, maybe it's a control issue, I need to prove to myself that I'm in control.. not so wise, or maybe it is, who knows.

This went on until the end of the ride, i kept having the urge to see who it is, or to just 'check if he's still there', I waited until he got off, yes we got of at the same stop, and I took my time, so as to lose him in the crowd. Bottom line, I won, didn't see his face once, and did not succumb to this 'devil in disguise of man'.. I should be happy, and I'm depressed. I feel like, will these tests ever end? will the YH ever understand that I'm STOPPING FOREVER? These are the kind of times I need watch out for, because it feels like a bottomless pit in my chest.

Friends, the roller coaster is in motion, and it's heading down.

Not a joke, I'm crying on the inside, I'm starting to tear as I write these words, these are the times when I simply want to die, the pain is unbearable, my only salvage is having all of you around, having a place to describe my feelings, my woes, that helps. I better hit the springs and hope for a happier, more cheerful tomorrow.

Believe it or not, getting this all of my chest is making me feel a little better.

Chazak!

How's for an overdue welcome. 

I will bli neder try following your story and progress, don't know you yet, or too much about you. But what do you know about the 12 steps?      i'm not asking if you are "working on it" or "working them", rather do you know what on earth they are?

As R Twesky has pointed out, it's chaval that EVERYONE doesn't live by them. (if you want a yeshivish or Chassidish 'alternative' try דע את עצמך from R Ittamar Schwarts the 'Bilvavi mishkan Evneh'.........it's identical.).
You may benefit from it more in the general sense, than just staying sober. And to my limited understanding, that's the point of it (not the sobriety, the new life  with sobriety 'on the side')

Stoppingforever,
i am also facing a renewed, reinvigorated yh these days.  When i invited him to leave he through a tantrum to end all tantrums and has tried a dozen ways to "reconcile" with me and get back to the "good ol' days" when we were such great "friends" and cared about each other.  Of course this is a load of manure, but after wallowing in manure for so long it isn't as repulsive as it once was.  i am following some advice i read somewhere on the boards that when an evil thought or desire pops into my head i just say to it, "thank you for dropping by, but i can't visit with you now, Goodbye!" and show it the door.  i am also finding that while filters worked for me for a while, i soon needed to upgrade to accountability software as well and i am planning on joining at least one SA group online and i am prepared to find a live group if needed and whatever else it might take until the yh understands that i mean business and he will have to find a new "friend" to hang out with.  No, i don't think he will go away forever, i am an addict until i take my last breath on this earth.  i will always have to deal with his evil ways, but my true friend is Hashem Yisborach and as long as i need him to(forever) he will stand by me, hold my hand and even pick me up and carry me when needed.  He is my biggest supporter, my loudest cheerleader and my greatest help.  He is also your biggest supporter, your loudest cheerleader and your greatest helper.  Continue to keep Him close and as you did on the bus so well, let Him carry you when you need Him to.  They say on the boards that over time the struggle becomes ingrained and second nature and the attacks are not as severe as they are during these initial days of battle.  i haven't reached that point yet in this battle, but i have experienced in other battles in my life that this is true.  i wasn't raised frum and the things i ate, places i went and things i use to do held sway with me for some time, but now i can truly say about these previous vices " i am unable to violate".  B'ezras Hashem Yisborach we will also be saying the same about this addiction in the near future.
Hang in there and keep on steiging.
chaimyakov

Dear Stopping,

I am with you all the way......I could have written most of your post myself, many times...

The pain you feel is the death throes of the YH, trying to make you feeling bad about feeling good for fighting back. It can be so confusing at times. But in the end it makes us stronger.

Hang in there...and Keep On Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

wow, that's something SF, thanks for sharing
more power to you
chazak ve'ematz!
Keep on trucking no matter what

We're with you SF.  That was quite a challenge!

Maybe take the advice of ZS and take a truck instead of the bus .

SF -- that was a HUGE win!
It's depressing to fight so hard and walk away with seemingly nothing.
We're used to swift, intense highs.
A sober life is one of more sublime simcha.  And I know you will have it.

BTW, not at all surprised about the SSA, given your story.

Rock on!
Alex

First and foremost,
      This is one of the most inspirational threads developing. you truly are a gibor. i feel priveledged to be a fellow gye member. i dont know how u were able to continue running as you did but its absolutely phenomenal.

one idea...... bad thoughts can't be forced out but rather slowly drifted out.

much like a youtube video that you don't want to watch, slowly decrease the size of the window and simultaneously bring up one of your fondest memories of life. let the fond memory grow larger and larger until no more bad video remains on  your internal screen.

may we continue to benefit from your tales of gevurah , no matter how they end.

thank you so much for sharing

The battle lines must, must, must be drawn back. Further and further back every day. It takes patience, but really has gotta happen.

I am not one for struggling at all, and feel it is not what recovery is about. But if I must struggle (and I sometimes do, indeed!), then I need to struggle with the abizrayas rather than the arayos. For example, if lusting is what I see as the problem I am concerned about, then that means that touching myself in a sexual way is no longer an issue for me - I do not even wonder of struggle with it. If looking at myself or at my privates is my concern, then I will not be even thinking about touching myself ina sexual way. If concern for others is what I am really trying to do, then using their images by staring at them and undressing them with my eyes is not a thing I will be struggling with as much...etc., etc.

If I struggle with the same thing that is the sign of not being in recovery. My battle lines either draw back, or I have not really accepted that anything is out of bounds for me, yet. That means I still believe that I can afford to use it, cuz I really still think I can control and enjoy it. And that is stupid (besides being not true).

If I cannot be clear about exactly what my uncontrollable sick behavior habits are, then I will never even get close to this.

And if I cannot admit them to another safe person, then chances are that I have not really admitted them to myself yet, either.

Blah, blah, blah....

Thank you all for you kind words, it makes all the difference. And yes, i'm feeling much better today.

Thank you Dov, that was as always, deep, to the point, and very much actionable if I put my mind to it.. I will try to look at it that way.

For the first time in my life, i'm not simply sober, i'm making internal changes. So having removed all addictive behavior from my life, which also included food, smokes, and the like, i'm running on dry. It's like laying on the operating table without anesthesia. The pain is raw, and i'm not medicating it.. so things get rather depressing when i'm faced with a significant challenge, or someone hurts my feelings, i become like a damn kid...

The truth be told, I should read my own post about resilience, I think some of you might appreciate it as well, this is the link. 

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4826.0;topicseen

May we be strong, may we be healed, may we be redeemed.

Chazak!

Hi SF.  Have a great shabbos!

It's amazing what Shabbos does. I hybernate on Shabbos, daven, study.. And then comes Sunday.. Followed by .... Monday.. It's challenging for one reason. The security of the home base helps me forget and .. Lower my defenses, so returning to the mundane comes with shell shock.

Today was certainly easier than last week. There is another guy, this YH is next to me at the office.. BH was able to avoid looking the entire day. Very difficult, but I guess doable.

One of the convoluted (i)logical arguments of my YH goes like this: when I am strong and resilient, i simply prove that I'm able to, and will then be punished for all the times I did not stand strong... I known that the argument is crazy, it is not Jewish. It is actually the other way around: Hashem forgives us when we commit to change our ways,  he sees our commitment and dedication to him. Hashem has no desire to punish his children, and will wait long, and at times sends many small warning shots (if even that) He is an 'erech apayim'.

So if YH tries-to sell you a boat, tell him you are not on the market for a boat now, tell him you are on the do-not-call registry.

Last week I said some extra Tehilim and cried allot, it helped me feel better, and also B"H introduced exceptional success for me at work

I tank you all from the depths of my hear for all your chizuk posts. They really help. I read some of them more than once.

Chazak!

The Y"H is a dirty player.  Any trick, any weakness is fair game.
If the end of the thought process is "so I might as well do it" then you know the Y"H slipped one in there.  There's no other explanation.

Shteig on!