Dear friends,

I'm grateful to gye providing a platform where I can finally anonymously share my story, I will write more in the future with Hashem's help.

This is an article I wrote after Sukot, and never published..

Tishrei is over, and the mondane mercilessly returns. I'm certain you filled your resouvoirs with spirituality and joy for the year, I for one did, at least I tried too. For myself the holidays present a paradox. On one hand I experience an exceptional high of spirituality and joy. On the other hand, I'm left with too much time for thought  and introspection 'it' suddenly engulfs me, and I begin to feel empty, fearful, angry, pained, and an overall feeling of despaire. I feel worthless, emotionall pain accompanied (at times) by physical pain. What is 'it' you ask? I will explain.

Born in Israel into a multi-sibling family, and moved to the US at the age of three. I was an ordinary child who grew up in the tri-state area, and attended local Yeshivah and day camps. When I was nine, my parents decided to send me to sleep-away camp in the mountains. My parents where of meager means at the time, but have still somehow scratched together funds to send me away to camp, where I was subsequently molested by my counselor.

I wish that i can say that was all.. The creep who was supposed to look out for my wellfare, and instead molested me, used sadistic, physical and emotional abuse to frighten me from saying anything, details are un-important, picture your worst nightmare as a child, and multiply it exponentially.

As I got older, it became evident that i was hurting, i was unkempt, I always looked depressed, and slept in late all the time. Needless to say that my academics went down the drain. It was at that time, that a "friend" of the family tried talking to me, I jumped at the opportunity to talk to someone, (which turned out to be a grave mistake). This sub-human creep tried to convince me, using psycobabble and twisted logic that my only chance to heal, is if I re-experienced the abuse again, and forced myself to enjoy it. He spent countless hours explaining to me that he has only my well being in mind,  he only wants to help me feel better, and he ever so humbly offered his "services". What a sub-human creep, lower than low, sicker than sick, worse than a jungle animal. This man took advantage of a suffering, emotionally unstable teenager. Sadly, he ended up raping me, and his abuse went on for well over a year, until subsequent logistical circumstances have thank G-d distanced this beast from me.

These two sub-human creeps managed to alter my life in unimaginable ways in the space of two short years. First robbing me of my childhood, and innocence, and subsequently by shattering what was left. I was near suicide on several occasions in subsequent years. It is a miracle that I'm here telling this story.

I turn fifty soon, and continue to suffer daily. I was, and continue to attend therapy, to no avail. My childhood and innocence was stolen, I was left feeling empty and worthless. Nothing I do fills the void. I know some say "Just get over it, move on",  anyone who says that has not experienced a serious trauma in their life, and does not know the consequences. It is no diferent than telling a cancer patient to get over it and move on. Here is what it is like to be me:

Imagine a life where you cannot enjoy watching your children grow up, because you are too caught up in your own pain and suffering. Imagine a life of broken or damaged personal and professional relationships.

Imagine a life where:

you struggle with an addiction relapse every few years.

you are too bogged down to put your qualities and talent to good use.

you know that were it not for the 'stuff' you struggle with, you could have been a very successful person, both materially and spiritualy.

you have no friends with to discuss your pain with, because they cannot relate to you.

you continually get startled by every noise, and always expect disaster to strike.

you need to choose feeding your family over some of the new innovative treatments available for  you.

no one around you really can, or for that matter wants to understand you.

That is what my life is like.

My friends, I'm not a victim, because i will not let myself be a victim, and because I refuse to give up. No one around me even knows what I go through on a daily basis. I never thought I would turn for others for help, but I have reached a point of desperation.

I am greatful to gye. I started my 90 days journey. My motto is: stopping forever.

While I continue to seek out conventional medical means to help myself, I have come to the conclusion, that in order to truly heal I need a miracle, a true miracle. I reach out to all yidden, rachmonim-benei-rachmonim, with the following appeal, If you can, please say Tehilim (even one chapter) for my healing, and my material and spiritual sucess, as well as for the healing, material and spiritual sucess of others who suffer like me. You do not need my name, Hashem knows who I am, and knows what to do with your prayers.

In return I give a breacha to anyone who says Tehilim, that Hashem protect them from all evil, and give them health, parnassah and nachas from their family.

Sincerely,

StoppingForever

Dear Stopping,

Welcome to the forum.

I am almost crying from your story. All that pain, bottled up all these years....

You have definitely come to the right place. There are so many wonderful people here who really care, and you will find the support and encouragement you need to help you along your journey.

May you have much Hatzlacha, b'Gashmiyus ub'Ruchniyus, and i will BL"N keep you in mind in my Tefillos.

Gevura!

Thank you Gevura.

This is very refreshing, my greatest dilemma always was that I have no one to talk too. So outside of a 45 min a week with mr. shrinko,  needed to bask in pain.. Looking forward.

I relate to a lot of what you wrote in that very painful description of your life. I have not suffered as you have, but am a very sick man and have suffered a lot in many ways as a result of my problem and written of it elsewhere here on GYE. But you are reaching out and that is not easy to do, so I will share a bit of my experience with you.

The addiction behaviors are, of course, only a symptom, rather than our real problem. I assume you see it that way, too. So while they continue, the real issues cannot possibly be brought into the vicinity of healing. And therefore, at the risk of seeming insensitive, I will suggest that the lingering (and even growing) of your pain may have been fed to a great extent by hanging onto the kind of addictive behaviors that I was so preoccupied with for many years.

But can you stop?

I accept that escaping into the sweet, comforting mental embrace of porn and sexual acting out behaviors may be the only avenue you have right now - I know I would not have really allowed my terrible lust problem to be removed (had it been seriously offered to me) till the pain got great enough - and then I was finally totally ready to take certain steps. Steps to have it removed.

So I would never compare you and me, for you are not me and our lives are still pretty different.

Yet, if you really consider yourself sick, I wonder if you have ever tried coming to SA meetings? I have been in SA for about fifteen years and have met more than a handful of men who would relate to you just fine. Men who have openly described a story that sounds much like yours. One such man is a very frum yid and is going to share his own story with nearly a thousand people at an international convention of SA in a few months from now. His story is a lot more like yours than mine is. And he has twenty years of beautiful sobriety.

You have done a lot of work to try and get better, I am sure. You talk of seeing "mr shrinko"...have you found at least some real and long-lasting improvement through therapy?

The pain you describe is unbearable, but as a hopeless addict I know a little bit of what it is like to be alone no matter where I am, because of the secrets I hide inside, and to know what it is like to have wasted a huge percentage of my life because my obsessions and secrets (and fighting them) used up so much of my time, energy, potential and money. 

I always longed so much to be a part of - yet was always apart from. It's really terrible.

And my family has suffered a great deal as a result of my addiction.

But in recovery things are different. Over the past bunch of years finding others with whom I can fully relate is a G-dsend. And learning from them how to grow past my problems with Hashem's loving help has changed it all, one day at a time. This derech may be of some help to you, as well. I do not know, and can only suggest you consider it.

You say you have tried therapy and more therapy, probably meds, too, and to no avail. If you truly insist, as you say, on not being a victim, then are you ready to take some real steps?

Not to denigrate the 90-day chart, but haven't you been ready to stop forever before? If the chart and the virtual relationship is really enough for you, then gezunderheit! That's great. All I hope is that you take the right actions - actions that really mean something. As they say in Al-Anon, "If nothing really changes, then nothing really changes."

Your pain and issues are so much greater than mine are. Maybe you cannot fully heal, maybe you can. Maybe you can make tremendous strides that will greatly improve the remaining many years you have here. But people with chronic pain benefit from something to 'take the edge off', too. Maybe that is what is waiting for you if you take some new and real steps. Not too shabby.

Go all the way, brother. At our age you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, I guess.

Love,

Dov

Thanks Dov for your warm words. I guess I have not shared all the details..

I have been sober for close to 7 years, and have accomplished that with therapy, and lot's of self determination.

A personal tragedy about one year ago, has snapped me like a dry twig.. I immediately started seeing Mr. Shrinko. and was sober after a couple of months, except for a couple of recent slips, which were the impetus of my joining the 90 days.

My renewed level of pain is a result of good work in therapy, it has reached the surface of my wounds, that is so very painful. I'm staring specialized re-experiencing therapy very soon with a highly qualified therapist. The process should help bring me as close to healing as is technically possible, the remaining stretch is up to Hashem, all of it is up to Hashem, with my hishtadlus of course. The re-experiencing process is very painful, and i'm told - grueling, I will need all the support i can get, this forum has been G-d sent, at the correct time.

DAY 5! I AM DETERMINED LIKE CRAZY! AND WITH THE HELP OF HASHEM, NOTHING WILL STOP ME. NOTHING IN THE WORLD!

Thanks Encouraged.

Be strong, I assure you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel... there were numerous occasions where I saw the "light at the end of the tunnel" just to discover that they were oncoming headlights, because I was in the wrong tunnel. Hashem is "makdim refuel lemaka" -  there no question in my mind that I CAN be healed.. It's simply a matter of being guided by Hashem, dibuk chaveirim (gye), and hishtadlus. I have much more to write on the topic, year-loads of 'stuff' and personal discovery, I will try to share when I have a moment.

StoppingForeer

Day 6!

Hi Stopping!
Read your story and just wanted to give you a hug!
May Hashem heal your pain.
Alex

WELCOME Stopping!  It's nice to have you on board.  I'm not sure how to respond to your story, but thank you for sharing it with us.  I think it is part of the healing process.  I'll add my hug to the pile.

Thank you alex, gibor. It means alot to me.

Day 7 gevald!

זה היום עשה השם נגילה ונשמחה בו

היום שמונה ימים, שהם שבוע אחד ויום אחד

Friends, this is a great moment for me. This 1 week is in some ways more valuable to me than my seven prior years of sobriety. First it is done with a Tzibur, the כח of a ציבור is very powerful, as is written ברוב עם הדרת מלך. Another reason is that this is my first time being sober after placing the proper boundaries around me, not relying on Hashem's miracles and my willpower alone. This past year's experiences have proven to me that in order to succeed, I must first listen to (daas) Torah and place all of the Torah and Rabbinic required boundaries around me, apply my willpower second, and finally - rely on Hashem to help me through the rest in the merit of my השתדלות, coupled with כח הרבים - of the holiest virtual community in the entire world.

Yes, I struggle, yes I'm in pain, yes I get depressed. Though, if I put things in their proper perspective, I must say that things have gone exceptionally well for me this past week, I experienced unexpected miracles in my personal life this week, which I attribute largely to the כח הרבים and the Tehilim some of you said for me (see my first post of this thread). I thank all of you who have (or will say) Tehilim for me, I bless you to experience only happiness  , health , wealth  8), sobriety  :-X, for the married people - nachas from your family  ;D and most important - time to enjoy it all. May Moshiach come soon and end all of our pains and struggles.

Chuga, chuga.. looking forward to the next milestone.

Friends I love you, I love Hashem, and (as it stands now) I love my own life too!

Chazak!

Mazel Tov!

Keep up the good work, and the good attitude!

Gevura!

Amazing! KUTGW!

Good to hear of your new level of success.
I've seen some of your insightful posts on other's threads.
I hope you will continue to use your unique insight and sensitivity to help the many neshamos who come here.  This can give new meaning and even purpose to your life experience.

KOC!!

(keep on chugging)