Sorry you had a fall.  It happens.  It happens to even the g'dolim.  It definitely is one of the worst feelings there is. For me remembering the feeling didn't really help much (ahhh, f- it!, and off I'd go).  Posting really helped, same with a good filter.  I think we all find the formula that works for us.  Just keep going, you'll be totally fine.  You can cruise with Hashem again without the drama of the falls.  I hope you stick around and find your way to do your work, so that avodah again becomes a joy.

Good morning Yossi! How are you today?

I am doing much better today thank god. I opened up to my wife and told her last night. It was hell. I've never in my life felt like I hurt someone so badly. The pain and disappointment that her face so vividly expressed broke my inner being. The reality of what I did smacked me in the face like a brutal hurricane.

However, on the bright side; I woke up this morning rejuvenated. As someone so adequately worded I feel "recommitted". I feel like this dedication to cleanliness is my strongest ever.

Previously my dedication was about living in reality and the realization of the destruction of a life of fantasy brings. Now it's even more then that. I feel like I have to earn the trust of my family back. I have the most dedicated fans in the world who expect nothing less then a championship title. I am not just responsible for my own reality, I am also deeply accountable for my family's.(sibling included)

I have more going for me now then at any previous point of my life. The stakes are higher then they've ever been. I will rise to the challenge. I am recommitting myself to cleanliness with a fervency that I've never previously done.

On that note; does anyone know of any SA meetings in the five towns that don't have women by them?

In summary; I am now at the fell SHMELL point.....

WOW! WOW!  Keep us posted on the home front.  How did you decide to tell her allofasudden?  Keep in mind, it can take a looooong time for her to come to grips with it.  It takes time, patience, shmoozing, a lot of painful honesty.  I wish you hatzlacha.  I was not functioning normally for at least a few days after my wife found out, and either was she.

Wow, that took guts. For me that's how I started this whole journey. I just couldn't stand myself anymore and I told her, I didn't even care what the results would be. The worst possible consequence was at that time better than the hell going on inside me. B"H she took it well and she became the catalyst for my recovery. It was the best thing I ever did in my whole life, and our relationship has become stronger than ever.

Hang in there, the intensity of it will settle down, and you will be so much the better for it.

Keep On Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

Gibbor120,

I decided to tell her through the help of a fellow fighter.And it wasn't out of the blue; she was aware of my addiction. Just not the brutality and detail of it. In regards to not functioning normally for a few days....I understand what you mean...a lot of negativity coming my way the past couple of days from my wife. She is very disappointed in me and she feels like I slighted her personally, which I did. When she says negative comments to me I know that she is just crying out in pain. I have a hard time dealing with the negativity. I'm not used to it, and I haven't ever hurt someone so close to me, so deeply.

So overall it's a tough time but also a great time. It's tough that my wife has to go through this, but it's great that I have her on board my battle.

Gevurashebeyesod,

Thanks for sharing that. You give me chizuk. Hopefully this will be the catalyst for final recovery.

Does anyone know of any all male SA meetings in brooklyn or the 5 towns?

SA generally is all-male, they tell me, not like the SAA from which I had to run the other week.

hey yossi read through your posts keep on sharing great stuff.It is nice to have people like you on my side if you know what I mean.Anyways keep it real,and keep in touch.I love you.

Thank you Rabbi Mechazek; you are true to your name.

Obormottel; That seems to be the general response. I only thought that were females in these meetings because of recordings of meetings that i heard that contained females.

thanks

hey,

I'm doing very solid; I have a week of cleanliness under my belt. That's 7 smiles .
We should make an only simchas page for GYE milestones. Like "We would like to extend our heartfelt mazal tov to Yossi.L. upon staying clean for 7 days" etc...etc...

I would like to extend my heartfelt mazal tov to Yossi.L. upon staying clean for 7 days!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

in SA they give out achievemnt chips, so a 7-day chip to you, buddy