Today is day 15 of my current cycle of cleanliness, may this cycle be the everlasting cycle! I always find that the beginning of my cycles are much easier to mantain cleanliness as opposed to a couiple of months in. I feel like once I've driven my number of clean days up, i tend to lose the same intense focus as in the beginning. I pray that this cycle will be different. Any tips would be appreciated. Fighting on!

there is a difference of an addict trying to KEEP AWAY from his addictions
to an addict trying to change his personality, and HEEL his addiction
work on changing your mehuss, your character traits
very easy to say, but its intense work, and the rewards are GEVAALDIG!

listen to jack

also don't be needing

also don't peek or check just to see if ur yh still exsists,he is still ther

u will see siyatta dishmaya


keep on trucking!!!!!!!

Jack,

What you are saying is amazingly true. From the day that I started working on my addiction I finally started to live. I was an empty shell and had no idea who I was or where I was heading. Every day since then I feel myself slowly becoming a human, developing a personality, setting goals, and truly living life to it's fullest. So, I am not changing my personality, I am developing a personality for the first time. And as you say the goal is that this personality will be a "lust free" personality.

wow gr8, you hit the nail on the head!
remember! NOBODY is perfect
we have to try our best & hashem will then help us
keep going strong, you are heading for the right direction
if you need help give us a shout

It's day 15 today, and i'm wondering: My learning and davening have almost never been genuine closeness to hashem. Recovery has definitely fostered a closeness with hashem, however, for some reason it hasnt manifested itself in a drive to daven and learn. Has anyone experienced similar struggles?

oh yes!
i felt a hugh drop in torah, in the last 32 days since i am clean
but the torah that i was learning with tumeh, was feeding the y"h
torah which is learned betaharah is an antidote for the y"h

did you read DOV'S original story
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=458.msg4638#msg4638

"Borosi Yetzer Hora, Uborosi Torah Tavlin". You've got him on the run, so he fights back by trying to take away your best weapon against him, Torah. I have heard this from my Rov many times, that this is the reason that the biggest YH is for Bittul Torah. (From personal experience I beg to differ , but he doesn't know anything about this part of me and at this point i'd die if he found out)

I've been going through ups and downs with davening and learning since starting recovery too. Some days I cry my head off by davening and feel every word, other times it's like just blah and I can't seem to get out of my fog. So I try to grab whatever I can, even if I can foce some Kavana out for just a few words. Or whenever during the day I'm feeling lonely or rotten about myself I just say a few words to Hashem asking Him to help me and all my friends here to work through our problems and come to true closeness with Him.

KVT & KOT!
Gevura!

the beis aharon said:
every yid has a telegraph from his mouth direct to the sky (meaning hashem)

What do that Bais aharon mean? That you don't have to daven because there is a telegraph anyways?

Also,

I've always struggled with genuine tefillah, even before my addiction. However, only now during my recovery does it bother me.

Yossi

it can mean, that you should KNOW that hashem listens to EVERY SINGLE WORD that you utter in your tefilleh
but it merely means that whenevr you need help you should talk to him directly, because he is standing right next to you (kevayochol) and listens to your talking
so therefore go into a closed room and speak to him, tell him, daddy, i am only a bosor vedom, i have this and this challange, please help me, you want me to overcome it, i cant win it myself, the y"h is way way stronger then me, i can only win him if you help me, i will try with my max effort, but without your help its all in vain
believe me it helps

Gevalt, nothing REALLY is new under the sun....
I felt a huge disaffection with davening and learning ever since I cleaned up my act!!! this is crazy, I used to spend hours davening shacharis on SHabbos, now, both weekday and shabbos, I can't wait to get out of shul. same with Toiro: I've not missed so many shiurim even in the days when I would be watching p**n instead of going to a class; on those days, I would force myself into a learning routine, but now I just can't be forceful enough!

that is bizarre!

me2
if you can explain it, please help me as well

I'm thinking: while we are still an addict our learning and praying is completely disgenuine. And now that our focus is on genuineness and a renewed sense of self; it's hard for us to uproot the disengenuinous learning and davening and start genuinely anew. When our new recovering honesty thinks about learning and praying automatically we associate it with fraudness and we want to stay far away as possible. I'm just theorizing what I feel; maybe you guys also?