Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Yankel, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Wow Yankel you sure get around. Fighting fires in New York, skiing in the Olympics, begging in Rome...

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


Why do you think he hates traveling so much

unanumun
Speaking of which, How about these?

Nervous Flyer
A man has an hour to wait before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at the airport bar.

He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy named Yankel, who has three empty woodford ( ) glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to Yankel, and buys him a drink.

The man asks, “Nervous about flying?”

Yankel replies, “N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die.”

“Is this your first time flying?”

“N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job.”

“Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?”

“H-he would never l-let me do that”

“Why not?” asks the man.

Yankel replies, “B-because, I’m the p-pilot.”.

Plane Problems
Yankel is a very nervous flyer. During a trip from Israel to America, it didn't help that Yankel's flight from Israel was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after the flight took off, Yankel noticed the lights began flickering. He mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she solved the problem by turning off the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over to Yankel and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

WOW!! All those are true, except for the pilot one

My shver wouldn't have taken me if I were a pilot!

But, tell me sir, how'd you manage to hack my personal online diary?!

Does your shver really know everything about you?

Sex Addiction (this one's a punch in the face, but we gotta laugh at ourselves right?)

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.

At least you didn't use Yankel this time....

Jewish Jokes:

Gourmet Food
Yankel was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Yankel, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Yankel, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Yom Kippur (This is an oldie, not sure if it has been said before...didnt want to use Yankel here cause i know he sooooo frum, he would never do this )
Billy telephones Rabbi Goldberg.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight the Yankees are in the World Series. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Billy, that's what video recorders are for."
Billy is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

Yankel the Samurai
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Yankel. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Yankel to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Yankel opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Yankel's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Yankel, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Yankel replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

A Feminists Joke
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."

How God really created the first man and women.
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?" - See more at:

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ZemirosShabbos

From Aish

God, You Forgot Something …
A Jewish mother and her 4-year-old walked along the beach when suddenly a gigantic wave rolled in, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, God," lamented the mother, her face toward heaven. "This is my only baby, the love of my life. I’ve cherished every moment with her. Please God! Bring her back to me and I'll go to synagogue every day!"
Suddenly, another gigantic wave rolled in and deposited the girl back on the sand, safe and sound. The mother looked up and said, " ... she had on a hat ...”

The Lesson
David received a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah. This parrot had one bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tried to teach him manners, but the bird just got ruder and cruder. Desperate, David put him in the freezer to cool off. He heard squawking, then quiet. Frightened, David quickly opened the freezer.
The parrot calmly walked out and said: "I'm sorry I offended you, Master David. I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior.” Before David could ask about this astounding change, the parrot continued, "Sir ... may I ask what the Empire chicken did?"

Am I the only person who was reading the title of this thread as, "The Depressed Person's Chilli Pot?"

^^^ FTFY