15.  Read the "Just for Today" card every morning.

In case you don't have one already, print this out:

======================================

Just for today: I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today: I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself into it.

Just for today: I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today: I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do—just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may be hurt but today I will not show it.

Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today: I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today: I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today: I will be un-afraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and will believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give back to me.

======================================

--Elyah

16.  Live in the solution (and not in the problem).

Be aware of your thoughts.  We don't have to be focused (and certainly not obsessed) with negativity and hopelesness.  We can focus, instead, on the positive aspects of our lives and on hope for the future.  It is within our power to choose what we think, and by doing so, we can choose our own reality.

I had a realization recently about Alisha and the woman who had the little flask of oil.  From that flask of oil, a miracle happened, and it filled up barrels and barrels of oil.  G-d did a miracle, but there had to be a little something to start with.  I think the same thing happens with our thoughts.  If we can find a little something positive to focus on, blessing will take hold of it and expand it.  I can find one thing I did right today and focus on that, though the rest of the day may have seemed like a total mess.  I can make one little effort towards finding a job and be sucessful at that; though I am not likely to instantly find my dream job and get hired for it, I can at least be satisfied that I have taken one step closer towards that goal, though far away it may still be.

--Elyah

Here's another little summary so far:

IMPROVE RELATION WITH SELF

EMERGENCY TOOLS
1. Short prayer, "I'm powerless, please G-d help me!"
2. Move somewhere else. (Get away from the trigger!)
3. Pick up litter.
4. Sing (or hum) a favorite tune.  Or listen to music.
5. Call someone from the program or the forum NOW.  (Or post)
5. Get to a meeting AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  (Get to the forum)
6. When you're angry:  Ask yourself, "What am I ashamed of right now?"

HAVING A PROGRAM
7. Participate in the fellowship of the program.
8. Take the Step Zero questionnaire.
9. Admit complete defeat.
10. Answer the 20 Questions found in the White Book ( pg 8 ).
11. Get a sponsor.
12. Treat your sponsor's suggestions as orders.
13. Work the steps (all 12 of them!).
14. Have a daily program (but not one's own).
15. Read the "Just for Today" card every morning.
16. Live in the solution (and not in the problem).

The next section of tools is about meetings:

IMPROVE RELATION WITH SELF

MEETINGS
17. Don't lust, and go to meetings.

There are benefits of going to meetings that can't be described in words.  I'll at least say this:  Isolation is a big part of our addiction.  Even when we talk with people throughout the day, we can't really talk to them about what's REALLY going on with us.  Going to meetings breaks that isolation in a way that nothing else can (including anonymous SA phone groups).  You get to meet real live people who are suffering from a similar malady as you, and you can actually talk with these people--face-to-face, about these things that you always hide from everyone else in the world.  That fear that we have, "What will people think of me to find out I'm a sexaholic--that I m*sturbate and look at p*rn?", and also, "What does it mean that I am associating with such people?", I think, is just a higher dose of the same feelings we have which keeps us disconnected from people in general, "What will people think of me if I...," and that judgemental voice, "What does it mean that I am associating with such people?"  As we throw off these shackles, free ourselves from our worst fears and start to connect with others on this deep level, in time we enjoy a side-effect that ALL of our relationships begin to heal.  We start to feel safe with people, no matter who they are (and no matter who WE are).  As long as we keep our secrets to ourselves, we are keeping miles of distance between ourselves and other human beings.  (You don't have to tell EVERYBODY--that would even be unwise; but you need to tell SOMEBODY).

--Elyah

18.  Have a Home Group.

When we join a fellowship of recovery,  we begin to feel a part OF instead of apart FROM.  If we pop into random meetings every once in a while, we will still feel mostly apart FROM.  A home group is one particular group that you attend regularly--for example, your Wednesday evening Big Book reading group group.  You might also attend a Friday afternoon group, and an open AA meeting (out of convenience), but you should have one group which you feel especially dedicated to and most connected with, and at which you take part in the responsibilities of the meeting--a group you feel a certain accountability towards, and a part OF.

Also, our involvement with the fellowship becomes a substitute--a healthy and healing alternative, for our involvement with lust.  Have a stable connection with a home group gives you a stable basis for recovery.

--Elyah

19.  90/90 (90 meetings in 90 days).  This could very well be as effective, if not more so, than a treatment center (and much cheaper, too).

Adapted for the forum:  Post every day in your thread for 90 days--even if you just write, "I'm just posting to say 'hi'; nothing much to sasy."  I had started out that way many times and then realized I had quite a bit on my mind to share.

We should be as enthusiastic about recovery as we were about our addiction.

--Elyah

20.  Start a meeting.

If you already have well-established meetings available to you, see how it's done before starting your own meeting.  (And, even after starting your own meeting, it's very advantageous to be connected with the larger SA organization).

The back of the White Book contains suggested meeting formats which provide guidelines and stucture for the meetings; this helps things run smoothly and keeps the group focused on recovery.  I think most meetings follow these guidelines (you will feel at home wherever you go).

All you need for a meeting is 2 people and a regular safe meeting place.  I think you can be in touch with the SA headquarters to locate meetings in your area, and to get help starting up your own group.

In order to start your own group, it is highly recommended that you reach at least step 5 (working with a sponsor), and that you have some significant clean time behind you--at least 6 months (this is what the SA head office told me when I spoke to them).  You need to have something to offer before you can start giving something away.  And, as the founder of a group, people (who you disclose yourself to when warranted) will look to you as an example of SA; if you are falling every-other day and have not yet experienced much of the serenity and peace-of-mind which the program promises you will experience, you may be doing more harm that good; you may be turning off people who might otherwise have joined a program of recovery.  SA does not recruit new members through promotion; it works by attraction.

I know of someone who could not find an SA group in his area, so he started his own meeting, reading the Big Book and following the Joe And Charlie AA workshops as an example (available as a free download from Silkworth.net).

Besides starting an official meeting, you could also have a recovery buddy; someone you meet with (or speak with) once a week, or more often, to work the program together.  I have also heard of people who have worked the program together via E-mail.  But, the more direct your relationship is with people in recovery, the more effective your recovery will be.  The buddy-system should not be used as a substitute for attending meetings if they are available in your area.  There's power in numbers.

--Elyah

21.  Take on a commitment.

At meetings, there are official positions such as secretary, treasurer, being in charge of literature, clean-up, and refreshments.  There are also inter-group representatives, to be in touch with the larger organization of SA.  These positions usually require a person to have a certain level of sobriety to qualify.  Besides these regular positions, you can find plenty of opportunities to be of service--arrange the chairs before the meetings, tidy up the lobby, or even just help the guy who is officially in charge of something else.  When you take on a commitment, you start to feel more a part of the group, and the more a part of the group you feel, the stronger your recovery is.

On the forum, with some creativity, you can also think of a commitment to take on.  Reb Guard, at one point, was recruiting people to become expert in the GYE Handbook (lots of the questions people ask on this forum are already addressed in the handbook; there just needs to be someone to direct people to the right information).  At one point he needed people to organize the database of Chizzuk E-mails.  Perhaps send him a PM and ask if there is any way you can be of service.  Also, you can make a point to greet newcomers and provide the official welcome package message.  You can undertake a certain project, such as giving over information from a Tools for Recovery workshop, etc.

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 28 Dec 2011 15:04:

Like posting "additional tools for recovery" - Thanks!

22.  Attend 5 meeting a week.

The motto is:  Many meetings, many chances; Few meetings, few chances.

I don't go to that many meetings.  I attend 2 meetings a week, spread throughout the week.  Also, if I'm feeling particularly weak, I try to go to an extra meeting (or call in to a phone group).

The Duvid Chaim phone group is 4 days/week, which is great.

I definitly feel that the meetings are crucial for my recovery.  If, for any reason, I have to miss a meeting, I do my best to compensate for it--either making more phone calls to people in the program, or doing some step-related writing exercises, or doing some extra reading of the program literature.  Usually it takes me all 3 together to get comparable (but not equal) results.

--Elyah

5/week is not the same as 90/90  :o : ??? :-\ ;D

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 29 Dec 2011 15:41:


Good question.  Thanks for pointing that out.

I think 90/90 is meant more as a temporary, emergency measure for particularly tough times.

5/week is meant as something a person could keep up regularly.

I have mentioned SA headquarters as a resource, and I think I am about to do it again.  So, to save you the trouble of searching on your browser, here is info about SA (just cut and pasted from the SA.ORG website):

====================================================
SA.org

Sexaholics Anonymous International Central Office
PO Box 3565
Brentwood, TN 37024

E-mail: saico@sa.org
Phone: (615) 370-6062
Toll-free: (866) 424-8777
Fax: (615) 370-0882
For event listings or meeting list updates, contact saico@sa.org>SAICO.

====================================================

--Elyah

23.  Telephone meetings.

This is a useful and a powerful tool, though not a substitute for live groups or a home group.

I haven't looked into it, but you can get info about SA telephone meetings through the SA headquarters (let me know if you find out details).

And, of course, there are the phone conferences offered through GYE, such as the DC phone conferences.

I will admit that many people have gained quantity and quality sobriety through the phone groups and without attending live meetings.  On the other hand, a lot of people got involved with the phone groups and found they needed something more intense, so they joined a live group; I think the phone group was a good stepping stone--it took away a lot of the fear which made it possible to join a live group afterwards.

--Elyah

I was thinking about a tool previously mentioned--"Call someone from the program."

It's good to keep in touch on a regular basis--to keep up a friendship.  This, in itself, is important.  But also, when you need to reach out in an emergency, it's easier to call someone you are already friendly with rather than to try reaching out to someone who seems like a stranger.  When you most need to reach out is when that little voice in your head is going to say, "But, I don't even know this guy!  I'll feel so silly calling just because I'm lusting."

Another point regarding calling people and regarding regular attendance at meetings:  Sometimes we feel restless, irritable, and discontent (or just plain full of lust) and we need to speak to someone.  BUT, even if we can't reach someone at the moment, it is reassuring just to know that there IS someone you CAN speak to--that you have a regular and reliable support system, and that you eventually WILL be successful in reaching somebody.

--Elyah