Yes, I often feel like you are reading my mind.  Thanks!

Zemmy & Gibbor,

Thanks for the comments.

--Elyah

82.  It's none of my business.

A lot of our looking around is fueled by curiosity--I MUST know who's out there!  Oh!  Maybe there's somebody I know and I'll miss him and he'll think I'm rude!  And, a bit less innocent, "Maybe there's some woman out there really worth looking at and I'll miss the chance!"  Then, when she's there on the street, our mind starts churning, "Who is she?  What does she do?" etc, etc.

So, we must remind ourselves, "It's none of my business."

83.  Who I am is none of my business.

Our sickness is one of self-obsession, of ego.  A lot of our restlessness, irritability, and discontent is fueled because we are always worring about ourselves--what am I supposed to be?  Am I fulfilling my potential?  Am I making the grand contribution to my community and to all of mankind that I am certain G-d intended for me to make?  Constant introspection and self-analysis.  And, how do I FEEL about being a computer programmer, or a traffic cop?  Is it right for me?  Is it the proper use of my talents?  When am I ever going to make something of myself!

I used to think all this was a sign of my superior intelligence; a biproduct of being multi-talented, and also exceptionally self-aware.  But really, it is a sign of my sickness.  It is self-obsession.  It's also a waste of time.

Recovery is about self-forgetting.  Turn to Hashem and to other people to be of service with unselfishness.

We need not be concerned about ourselves besides, "What is the next right step?"

--Elyah

yup, reading my mind again.  One of my personal favorites is looking to see if there is ervah so I can make a bracha.  Can't make it in front of ervah, right? Must look around to make sure.

Then there's the "I can't beleive that frum woman is dressed like that".  Take a look and shake head (at least in my mind), how terrible.  Take a second look so I can really look down upon her and wonder "does she have any idea how untzniyus she is".

A variation on that one when looking at a goy.  "look how prust the goyim dress, it's terrible...".

I can see from the heads nodding, that you all know exactly what I mean .

As the great bards says  - SHE'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

gibbor120 wrote on 15 Feb 2012 14:49:


That's actually my favorite one.

Also works on the internet... I can't believe a picture of THAT just popped up!  So I have to look again to make sure it was really what I thought it was.

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 15 Feb 2012 12:36:

When I read Zemmy's compliment, I was like, "finally someone's giving the guy a well deserved compliment, it's about time!"
the reason we don't generally dispense compliments is because... ummmmm

Eye.nonymous wrote on 15 Feb 2012 12:54:

I am working very hard on this, any suggestions on how to go about it?


***Modified***
just found this
gibbor120 wrote on 15 Feb 2012 01:43:

84.  Bring reality into situations.

Frankly, I don't remember the point of this one.  If I would guess, I think it means something like this, for example:  We somehow have some dream that, if only we could attain the object of our fantasy, we'd have a perfect life with her.  That woman looks so attractive, and we can imagine nothing else other than having a pleasurable experience and a happy life with her.

Now, realize, she is a human being just like you are a human being.  She has her needs and demands, and shortcomings.  Perhaps, in truth, she's a big snob.  Or maybe she's so shallow that it gives you a headache to talk to her (but she is also a non-stop talker).  Maybe, if you'd ever speak to her, you'd find out that she talks through her nose and every word she says gives you the feeling like someone is running their fingernails on a chalkboard (remember those?).  Maybe she nags and whines all the time.  Is she married?  Perhaps with children?  In your fleeting fantasy you imagine some fleeting and ideal romantic interlude, but in reality, you might end up getting stuck responsibible for a huge family (not to mention still being responsible for the one you lost, G-d forbid, in the process).  Or, you imagine making some sort of pass at some lady, but in reality the police might get involved and you might end up in jail.  Or, you might end up with some sort of disease.

Rav Avigdor Miller tz"l says that second marriages are always worse than the first.  The second wife not only has her own shortcomings, but she also doesn't have all the qualities of the first wife.

Also, I don't remember where I heard this, "If she'll cheat WITH you, she'll cheat ON you."

Just a couple of ideas.  These are the types of ideas that, when we begin our struggle, we think ought to be enough to keep us sober all by themselves.  They do help some, but they don't take the place of a full program of recovery.

--Elyah

I'm sorry, but I never understand these you-won't find-fulfillment-with-her ideas. I don't want to find fulfillment with this woman. I want to use her body for pleasure and that's it. I don't want fulfillment from steak and ice cream either, I want to eat the steak and get pleasure from it and then have the parve ice cream for pure pleasure afterwards. I get fulfillment from my wife and children. I get pleasure from food, drinks, fresh air, sleeping, and masturbating to the images of women on the Internet.


Don't get it.

The point is just to get our head out of fantasy-land into reality-land.  It's a tool to realize that if we ever c'v realized our fantasies they wouldn't be nearly as great as we imagine.

also, although you might think you want her just for the pleasure. the fact is she ain't steak and you won't be satisfied just by eating her, you're going to want more
and more
and more
and more
get it?

Blind Beggar wrote on 16 Feb 2012 14:15:


Okay, BB, how about this:

This lady REALLY HAS NO INTEREST IN SLEEPING WITH YOU, no matter how beautiful you think she is, and no matter how much pleasure you imagine you can get out of her, she finds you totally unattractive, and perhaps repulsive (No offense).  You can imagine all the fantasies you want, but it's not reciprocal in the least bit.  She doesn't want to sleep with you, and she really doesn't even want to look at you either!  If you would even try to make some sort of pass at her, she might spit on you, run away, scream, and even call the police.  That's the reality.

Does that do anything for you?

--Elyah

Since it's my fantasy, it works the way I want. She wants to sleep with me and she will sleep with me whenever I want. I can make Marilyn Monroe and Whitney Houston come back from the dead to give me pleasure on any beach I want with no one looking and we will never get bored with each other.

Blind Beggar wrote on 16 Feb 2012 18:05:


This tool, remember, is to BRING REALITY INTO THE SITUATION.  To have a reality check and get OUT of the fantasy world.

The next few tools are along the same lines as "bring reality into the situation."

85.  No one is flirting with me.

86.  No one is lusting after me.

87.  This is not a sexual situation.

As lust addicts, we tend to interperet practically everything as having sexual significance.  The truth is, most of the things we think are sexual, really aren't.

I had a big realization with this especially in marriage.  I would always think my wife was trying to get flirtatious, and then I would act on that, and at the end of the day my wife would get all upset.

"But YOU started it!" I would say.

NO I DIDN'T!  All I did was...

Yeah, but that was flirtatious!

NO it wasn't!  I was just...

Another variations is, "That woman is not dressed up like that because she wants you to look at her."

Good luck with this one,

--Elyah