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Road To 500 (Not Clickbait)
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If you've made progress - thank G-d, double your merit by inspiring others as well! Post the tips and advice that worked best for you in your journey to sobriety or tell us about recommendations you heard from others that work.
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TOPIC: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 180 Views

Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 07 Jul 2024 19:12 #416608

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After just a drop of research, (I'll admit) I've noticed that there are four distinct and necessary steps for long-term success: (that most recovered people adhere to, and that from my experience have been posted about countless times on the forum. Correct me when/if I'm inaccurate or just plain wrong, thx)

#1) Commitment: You need a solid unwavering decision to stop, completely. I think this step is pretty self-explanatory.

What's not so obvious is: if you're addicted to P&M, yes, you must stop ALL sorts of fantasizing, lusting, and even watching most, if not all TV as well. People concur also that listening to secular music (kol isha for sure) has been an added detriment to their progress. So be wise and consider cutting that out as well. 

Tip: it's very hard to work on many things at once as Rabbi Shafier says, if you're trying to lose weight and stop P&M at the same time, maybe determine as to what you're more committed to stopping and only slowly incorporate the second thing you're trying to stop once you have the first one quite under control.

Tip: complete the Core Values worksheet (and really most mild-to-moderate strugglers would benefit greatly from completing the entire F2F program) 

E.g. of committed attitudes: "I'm doing this because (in my case, being a single bochur) I wanna be "X" # of days clean before walking down to the chuppah" [not that it's a prerequisite, but it may be a sincere motivation]. OR "I want to stop, forever, because I see how it's undermining my relationship with my eishes chayil", OR "Now is the time to stop before I make myself more distant from my kids" OR "I must put an end to my living a double life"

Tip: It may help to repeat you're motivation motto/core values for stopping by looking yourself in the mirror whenever you need chizzuk.

Additionally, perhaps the main reason why stopping wholeheartedly is the first step towards recovery is that when your mind is churning in filth, it's hard to imagine: that you can ever recover (which leads to yiush and depression) OR that there's any other way of life outside of constant P&M etc.
"When a man sees a woman as a object for his own pleasure, he is not seeing her at all. He is seeing his own fantasy. And when he sees his own fantasy, he is not seeing himself either. He is seeing his own emptiness." - Rabbi Manis Friedman

Re: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 07 Jul 2024 19:12 #416609

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#2) Accountability, the TAPHSIC method & Filters: joining the Partner Program or obtaining a mentor/sponsor is crucial (think: וקנה לך חבר), if it means hiring a therapist, do it (tho I personally have never done therapy/12-steps, most ppl. who TRY, succeed with that stuff). Keep in mind, just like a good chavrusashaft/shidduch takes a few tries sometimes, have patience when searching and do  your due diligence in acquiring the best match for your particular needs/situation.

Why: Accountability, be it software on your browsing history or a friend you "bookend"-call before and after using an unsafe device (to make sure you remain clean) or even a simple daily tracking tool such as the one on GYE, is an added guardrail on the highway of life with its trials and taavah tribulations.

Similarly, the TAPHSIC method, using the powerful deterrent of a heavy knas, (potentially) dissuades the average person from sinning outright without buying himself uber-valuable time which you can use to implement your Plan--all backed by a שבועה.

Underrated though, is the fact that if you truly commit to kicking this habit, then you should, in a moment of seized inspiration, get rid of all access to this shmutz that deep down (you may have "short-term withdrawal remorse" but that long-term) you never want! You do this by: smashing that phone with a baseball bat (hey, no one ever said you can't make it fun ), installing that filter, yes get a stupid filter or at least webchaver your wife/rov if you desperately need access!

E.g. of a step 2 scenario: Shmuel, needing access to unfiltered internet occasionally, gets himself a filtered phone and when he needs access calls Reuven (his best friend from childhood) who "allows him" to use his other, unfiltered device, temporarily, ending off with the gentle words ("Shmuel remember what we discussed, 100 pushups daily for a week if you..). Shmuel calls him immediately after he finishes with his business, thanks Reuven etc. 

Behind the Scenes, why this worked for Shmuel: Shmuel has a TAPHSIC שבועה in place that before he watches P, (ח"ו) he must do all of the following: first call Levi (his father-in-law, a holocaust survivor) for 10-minutes, drink 3 glasses of ice-water [try doing that fast :)], and walk up and down 3 flights of stairs, if he falls then (and I don't mean down the steps) he only pays $20 to tzedaka, otherwise $ x50 (do the math..)
"When a man sees a woman as a object for his own pleasure, he is not seeing her at all. He is seeing his own fantasy. And when he sees his own fantasy, he is not seeing himself either. He is seeing his own emptiness." - Rabbi Manis Friedman

Re: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 07 Jul 2024 19:13 #416610

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#3) Constant Chizuk/Connectivity: call your mentor monthly or even bi-weekly, be עוסק בתורה, constantly work on your מדות, do whatever you need to keep that streak goin'. 

Tip: most people agree the #1 factor towards long-term recovery is Connectivity with others. Hang out with friends, don't let yourself get bored etc.

Tip: posting on the GYE forum is a great way to stay connected with people who understand your struggles.

Tip: having a meaningful relationship with הקב"ה thru תפילה etc. is highly beneficial as well.
"When a man sees a woman as a object for his own pleasure, he is not seeing her at all. He is seeing his own fantasy. And when he sees his own fantasy, he is not seeing himself either. He is seeing his own emptiness." - Rabbi Manis Friedman

Re: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 07 Jul 2024 19:14 #416611

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#4) Paying it Forward: possibly the final step that I've personally seen people like R' Eerie (had to give someone a shoutout at some point) do in their continued recovery stage is to help out others. Get others acquainted with what GYE has to offer, and you'll find yourself inspired as well. Mentor someone and you'll see the fulfillment of the talmudic adage: ומתלמידי יותר מכולם.

Hatzlacha! Feel free to discuss below and thx for reading till the end!!
"When a man sees a woman as a object for his own pleasure, he is not seeing her at all. He is seeing his own fantasy. And when he sees his own fantasy, he is not seeing himself either. He is seeing his own emptiness." - Rabbi Manis Friedman

Re: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 07 Jul 2024 20:35 #416616

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Beautiful. Thank you for taking the thought and time to write this up. Very worthwhile so the reader should be thanking you if they read it through to the end. 
Kol tov
Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
The yetzarim a person has the most trouble dealing with are his most powerful God-given tools for developing his potential and achieving shleimus.
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
It doesn't matter how big the number is, only that today it is going up by one.

A little about what I'm doing here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412971-I-Want-to-Help-Others
Last Edit: 07 Jul 2024 20:36 by BenHashemBH.

Re: Road To 500 (Not Clickbait) 09 Jul 2024 14:15 #416726

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Great thread yasher koach! 
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