jollylemur95 wrote on 28 Jan 2025 20:04:

I can relate to the sentiment.

When i first joined SA and they said 'sex is optional' i didn't believe it to be true for me.
after about a year i believed it and after 2 years it started becoming real.

Not always are woman like cars to me, but sometimes they can be and although sometimes when people trumpet their success it is not always permanent and solid, it is good to hear that there is another type of life out there that can be achieved.

It's not a random gift from Hashem to be transformed into an angel - its the reality of someone not obsessed with lust
SA has the 12 promises - gifts from Hashem that WILL materialize, sometimes quickly and sometimes [very] slowly

Basic, Beautiful, and Profound. Have a wonderful Shabbos!

https://rebgershonribner.com/intimacy-without-heart

Thanks

Since hopping on Simchas Torah’s bandwagon as detailed in this post, I’ve been forced to confront some uncomfortable realities. 

It’s been tough for me to maintain my no news streak. Until yesterday, I was pretty much successful, by sticking to a 10 minute rule. The only sites I let myself go on were YWN and Matzav. Yesterday, I was מורה היתר to type in “German elections” in to my browser. Not sure what my justification was, but I was busy researching every aspect of an election that has absolutely nothing to do with me, just in order to quell my craving for news.

I realized something about myself. Abstaining from something that’s not outright אסור is only possible for me, if I am driven toward something greater, that gives me a sense of purpose and fills my mind, and ממילא not be interested in all of the stimulation that news and sports offers.

Alas, I am far from such a rich inner life. Compounding the problem, I’m surrounded by people that seem to have it, which leaves me feeling achingly empty. Yes, I’m simply jealous of the joy people seem to find in their רוחניות. So why don’t I just sit down and learn something like a Mentch? It’s a combination of laziness, different excuses, some real, some made up, and I feel like I haven’t learnt or Davened like I should be since before the summer. I tell myself, maybe if I stop following the news and sports, my mind won’t be all over the place and I won’t be so distracted. But it’s becoming increasingly hard to hold on.

Now you might say, what’s he Kvetching about, he’s not struggling with lust, in its various forms. True, but I’m struggling with the same gnawing feeling that leads people to seek out lust in the first place. That feeling of emptiness and being unfulfilled, of not being able to be fully present and living in the moment. I’ve got so much to be grateful for in so many areas, but until I break through in this area, I have a hard time abstaining from the (harmless?) things that just pass the time, and leave me hungry for more.

Quote I read about the Kotzker who said, “I’m not looking for חסידים that don’t sin, I’m looking for חסידים that are so busy they don’t have time to sin”. One day I hope to be able to say that about myself. But I’ve got a very very long way to go, it almost seems out of reach.

I love and respect your brutal honesty.

I hope for the day I’ll have the inner strength to write like you.

Your writing mirrors much of what I’m going through right now - but I lack the fortitude to put it “black on white” like you.

With a ton of respect and of course, brotherly love,
Muttel

Thanks for giving me a significant pang of angry regret at myself as I waste time here instead of learning now.  

Allright, I’m off. 
I hope to be back with some Chizzuk later , after I get a significant dose of non-procrastinated learning done. 

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Feb 2025 17:15:

My pleasure! Your time here is definitely not wasted.

The hundreds of people you've inspired with your caring and insight.

Got a unusual amount of feedback to the past post, through text, PM's and phonecalls. Seems like I’m not the only one who struggles with these feelings. Doesn’t make it easier, but still happy that there are others that understand me. Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking to 3 different close friends from this site. It put me in to a good mood, as I really enjoy speaking to the Oilam. This in turn helped me when I woke up this morning, as I had a very productive Seder with my Chavrusa in which I got really involved in the learning, which in turn led to a better Shachris then I’ve had in a while. (Yes, during שמונה עשרה I was thinking about how I would post. Pathetic, I know, but hey, whatever works.) Now, I doubt that I'll be able to maintain the pleasure that I experienced this morning, I have a hard time being consistent, but still the nibble of enjoyment that I tasted was exhilarating. The only thing that really fills me with a real sense of satisfaction is when I’m involved in learning, or connecting to Hashem through Davening. Which leads me to conclude that the only way forward is somehow to work on the עשה טוב. I have ideas, but I’ll save it for another post when I can articulate my thoughts better. Bottom line, there's nothing like friends here, who manage to lift my spirits whenever I'm down.

As an aside. In one of the conversations I had with a dear friend, I vented to him about a boy in my class, who I can’t seem to find the key to his soul. This is a boy who has left all of his Rabbeim baffled and left him with negative feeling to almost anyone in a position of authority. I told my friend that my goal with this individual boy, is not so much to teach him, because he’s not ready to accept anything, and he will resist anything he is forced to do, as he has been doing until now. my goal with him is to leave him with positive feeling to Yiddishkeit and toward a Rebbe. When he matures, he will hopefully remember at least one Rebbe in a positive light.

My friend gave a shout “RABBI GREEN”! We started reminiscing about a song that I haven’t listened to in years. For those who haven’t heard it, it’s worth a listen to, as its message is very timely in our generation.

https://www.google.com/search?q=king+of+tony%27s&sca_

THE KING OF TONY’S - Destiny - Composed By Eli Nathan

In the dimly lit pool hall clouds of smoke hung low
As the smell of leather jackets mixed with cheap cologne
Leaning on a table a young man in his teens,
sharp eyes, skilled hands, pool cue, and designer jeans.

But there’s another table, decked out in satin white
With an empty place by father’s side on this Friday night
And mother’s waiting hopefully by the windowsill
For Dovi boy who’s shootin’ pool in Tony’s Bar and Grill.

Where have you gone? Gone so far?
We still love you even though you may be far,
Far away…

Super cool and accurate he’d win and never lose
Everyone at Tony’s knows him as the King of the Cues
As mother’s praying silently, who will save his soul?
Dovi shoots a backspin to a tune of Billy Joel.

Sometimes late at night he sits back inside the haze
Thinking of the times gone by, those old yeshiva days
He remembers them quite clearly, it was the when he turned 15
Those sharp, warm, embracing eyes of his Rebbe, Rabbi Green.

Dovi, he could hear him say. You’ll be a Talmid Chacham, one day…

Where have you gone?

Stranger entered Tony’s, late one Sunday night
Rack ‘em up he said, I’m gonna beat the king tonight
Wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and talking really mean
But in the dim smoky light his face could not be seen.

Shot after shot, boy, this guy was no fake
Dovi started sweatin’ his reputation was at stake
The stranger had one easy shot left to win the game
Dovi knew he’d lose and things would never be the same.

An amazing thing then happened, the stranger missed the shot
The crowd thought it was an accident Dovi knew that it was not
This guy had given him the game but why he wished he knew
Dovi pulled away from the cheering crown and said:
Hey thanks man, but who are you?

The stranger said perhaps it would be best to step outside
So they made their way out through the crowd to the street and to the light
And Dovi saw him stare at him with eyes he once had seen
The sharp embracing stare, the eyes of Rabbi Green.

The two of them stood silently looking into each other’s eyes
Dovi was the first one to break the ice
Hey Rebbe, that was the meanest game of pool I ever did see
But what made you come here on this night to play – a bum like me.

Dovi, the Rebbe said, you’re no bum,
‘cause I know you and where you’re coming from
It’s never too late to change, don’t you see…
The King of Tony’s was once me!

There’s a yeshiva out of town, now a source of pride and fame
The Rosh Yeshiva’s a Talmid Chacham, Reb Dov is his name
And during recess there’s a pool table where students like to play
But no one’s beat the Rosh Yeshiva till this very day.

Congrats, Amevakesh. you just made a grown(?) man cry, in middle of breakfast. 

chancyhk wrote on 27 Feb 2025 18:58:

Breakfast?!

Where are you, Hawaii?

BenHashemBH wrote on 27 Feb 2025 19:04:

I wish............ didnt get a chance to eat untill now. You can't imagine how much i ate just now......

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chancyhk wrote on 27 Feb 2025 18:58:

Yes, super moving, and brings back memories........

Thank You Amevakesh

I just read both of your posts and all I can say is that I feel what you are going through in a very personal way.

Pushing against the wind 
grey winter and bleakness is 
in the stark spaces
framed by black winter branches 
empty of leaves. 
Cold. 

He wraps himself in his coat
and he huddles as he walks. 
Trying to find a warmth that will rise up 
from inside 
        that will trickle up inside,
and help him find 
          The spring in his step. 

It’s still in there. 
Inside. 

If you focus and wait, silently, friend. 
Patient, gentle breaths, white puffs in the winter air. 
It will come. 
Can’t you feel it? 
Sometimes it hibernates, especially in the cold. 
But you will go deep inside, friend. 
Awaken. 

And things will look different. 
Have faith. 

chaimoigen 

ראש חודש אדר! Made it to the finish line, just barely. Wasn’t easy not to follow the news for more then 10 minutes a day. Was off sports completely. Strangely enough, I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment. I did it, but I don’t feel like I accomplished anything significant, besides for saving a few minutes on a daily basis. I’d like to explore why this is so.

There are 2 components of 'עבודת ה. The סור מרע - refraining from bad, and the עשה טוב - doing good. When man was first created, the פסוק says  ויקח ה' אלקים את האדם וינחהו בגן עדן לעבדה ולשמרה. The מדרש says that לעבדה is referring to מצות עשה, and לשמרה is referring to מצות לא תעשה. Only after that, does it say that 'ה commanded אדם to eat from all the trees, and not to eat from the עץ הדעת. Which begs the question, how can לעבדה ולשמרה be referring to מצות עשה and  מצות לא תעשה respectively, if at the point of placing אדם in גן עדן, there weren’t yet any commandments? Shouldn’t the sequence of events occurred the other way around? First issue the commands, then put him in to גן עדן to keep them.

Perhaps the תורה is teaching us an important lesson here. For a soul as a נברא, has an inherent need to connect with the בורא who created it - עילה אל עילתו. In order to do so, there needs to a medium for them to connect, those are the מצות. What the particular מצות were, is not as important. The point the פסוק is making, right after the creation of man is, that since as a finite, limited human being, which is confined to a shell of a body, desires to connect, with the endless expanse of אין סוף, it must be given a place to do so. Placing man in גן עדן is the culmination of his creation, that’s where it comes to its completion, and finds its ultimate expression. To create man and not put him in ג"ע, would be a lacking, wanting and deficient creation, for rooted in the essence of man is the desire to connect. עס וואלט געפעלט אין די צורת האדם. The specific commandment that was given, is only the facilitator of that connection , and is of secondary importance, therefore it comes later.

There’s a big חידוש in this message. If לעבדה - working the garden is מצות עשה, and לשמרה - merely guarding it from harm is מצות לא תעשה, then we would logically conclude that the main connection is by engaging in productive action. The passive guarding would be secondary, its only to protect the garden from harm. Yet the תורה is telling us that 'ה put there for both לעבדה and לשמרה. There’s connection even by abstaining from sin. 

This is further illustrated in the 'זוהר הק in this weeks פרשה, which brings a beautiful משל. There was once a king who had a son. He wanted the son to demonstrate a certain level of love for him, in order to draw him even closer to him, and bestow a great reward on him.  He commanded the son to stay from all women of ill repute. Then the king went over to a very pretty זונה and told her, “please do whatever you can, to try to entice my son to sin”. The women had no interest in getting the prince to sin, after all he was the beloved heir to the throne, yet she was bound by her loyalty to the king to obey his command. Even though at the time of the seduction it appeared as though she was trying to get him to sin, she wanted him to overcome his desire and not sin with her. The king’s intention was that his son should have the opportunity to demonstrate his love by overcoming his desire and showing that he values his father’s love above all. Once this was demonstrated, the king brought his son into the innermost chambers, and bestowed a tremendous reward. The נמשל is self explanatory. The פסוק says "והנה טוב מאוד" and חז"ל tell us זו יצה"ר. What can possibly be good about the YH? The answer is that only through the YH can one truly show their love for 'ה by overcoming his lust for His sake. We see that merely refraining from sin, fosters a deep connection, wherein man has the ability to demonstrate the love he has for Hashem.

That being said, (מכאן ואילך, סברת הבטן שלי הוא, ויש לחלוק עליו) even though, both the סור מרע and the עשה טוב are mediums of connectivity, they aren’t quite the same. One is expressing love through refraining, and the other is actively making something special of oneself and connecting by accomplishment. The all time greats in our religion, were people of stature who did great things, not necessarily who refrained from sin. The ארבעה שמתו בעטיו של נחש were great men to be sure, but the greatest of our leaders (the אבות, יוסף , משה, אהרן, and דוד) are not on that list. They’re great because of what they actively accomplished, despite the fact that they may have sinned (on their level). The ultimate תחלית is to do good. All of the מצות לא תעשה are there as a protection - לשמרה, to ensure that we don’t get distracted from doing that which we were created for - לעבדה. To be sure, overcoming our YH, brings Hashem tremendous joy, when He sees how hard we’re fighting for His sake, to be pure and even holy, but all that is in order to protect ourselves, and enable us to attain greatness in Torah and Mitzvos. 

Back to where I’m at. What this קבלה did for me, was indeed a certain demonstration of will power that I was able to pull off. But that wasn’t the intention of what I was trying to accomplish. I was trying to recruit the מדה of curiosity that pushes me to check out the news and sports, and channel it in to spiritual matters. In that respect, it was an utter failure. All it did was highlight to me how empty and devoid of serious content I am. Not a good feeling at all. 

The next thing I’d like to try is much more ambitious for me. By nature, I’m very lazy. I think, that if I would commit to writing a שטיקל תורה on a סוגיא, it would get me involved and do wonders for me. I hesitate, because this is something that doesn’t come easy to me. But it might be necessary to shake me out of the doldrums that I find myself in. I’m also afraid that it won’t come out good. To this I tell myself what Rabbi Frand said at the סיום הש"ס, “Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good”. More importantly, the goal is not perfection, the goal is the involvement that it will generate in me. The journey itself is the destination, for there is no destination to an infinite journey. Therefore, I’m challenging myself to put something together ideally by Purim, if not by then, then by ר"ח ניסן. If there is anyone that would like to join me in this endeavor, it would give me great Chizuk. 

Have a wonderful Shabbos!

מרבים בשמחה!!!

Amevakesh