Hard to believe a year has gone by. It feels like yesterday, at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago, when filled with disgust at myself, and inspired by one of HHM’s posts that the best that GYE has to offer is the ability to connect, I mustered up the courage, and contacted HHM. In the parking lot of a beautiful park, with trembling hands and a tremor in my voice, I called the first person, who would ultimately change my life. Sure, I had times before that I was clean for even months at a time, but this was different, there was someone to talk to, someone that would hold me accountable, but most of all someone that cared. I have endless הכרת הטוב to this prince of a man who has decided to dedicate his life to help people in עניני קדושה. All the wonderful initiatives that are happening here at GYE, on and offline, are a direct result of people that have been helped by this holy giant of a man. We are all his תלמידים, and I will forever be indebted to him for starting it all. הקב"ה should give the give the Rebbe כח and געזונט and everything his holy heart desires, and ultimately help us all, that HHM’s services to כלל ישראל be rendered obsolete.
A special הכרת הטוב is due to the founders of GYE. Although to me they are people who remain behind the scenes, it is they who keep this amazing engine running and they get much, if not all of the credit for all the beautiful things that go on on this website.
A year later, it’s time for me to reflect and take stock of where I was a year ago. What have I accomplished, what have I gained, and more importantly, what do I still need to accomplish.
It is with a profound sense of gratitude to הקב"ה, that I reflect on the lessons that I’ve gained over the last 12 months. It didn’t happen at once, rather in small increments over the course of the past year.
Lesson #1 - Given to me over the phone by HHM during the first phone call. (אגב, it’s uncanny, how he identifies exactly what each person needs to hear) In it, he detailed that one who lusts is essentially cheating on his wife. At the time it was very difficult for me to comprehend, I’m not doing anything behind her back that she doesn’t understand. I’m just looking at things, what’s it got to do with her. As time went by, I understood, that by indulging in lust, no matter how small, this whets our appetite for things that she cannot possibly fill. This then creates a vicious cycle of the husband feeling that his wife isn’t meeting his needs, the wife picks up those vibes, then feels inadequate as a wife through no fault of her own. That was paradigm shift #1.
Lesson #2 - Sexuality vs. intimacy. Also given to me by HHM during that first phone call. There are many משלים that you can find on the forums that depict the difference between sexuality and intimacy. All of them, point to the difference between something that’s devoid of any content, merely a pretty shell of something potentially so beautiful and deep. External vs. internal.
There’s an interesting phenomena that keeps on coming up on these forums. A storyline that goes something like this. “As a Bachur, I watched P or engaged in M. Then I got got married to a great girl. Swore that I would never do it again. Life was great, sex was great. Was successful in abstain from any negative behavior for ______ amount of time. Then my wife got pregnant, or wasn’t always available for whatever reason, and I started falling back to my old habits.” This is often written with a sense of righteous indignation, that if only my wife would understand my struggle and we could go back to what it was in the beginning, I would be able to control myself now, like I was able to control myself then.
I would like to mention the משל that if I remember correctly HHM told me on that first phone call. He compared intimacy to a cake and sexuality to icing on the cake. I would like to try and explain the depth and beauty of this משל. The difference between the interior of any given item and its exterior, is not just a difference in ratio, rather it’s a difference between its essence and the way it presents itself externally. Take for example the human body. The skin comprises a mere fraction of all of the organs of the body. If one were to strip a human of his skin put it on one side of a scale, and all the other organs, his heart lungs, liver, brain, etc. on the other, it wouldn’t even be close.. Yet, this isn’t the only difference between them. When you go under the skin you see the complexity and wonder of the human body, how it ticks, what makes it work, how everything is perfectly synchronized, how different parts of the body complement each other, and how the organism as a whole is the most marvelous creation in the world. This can only be accessed once one penetrates the skin. How much more so when you dig deeper, in to the metaphysical aspect of the human. Once we factor in the soul, it’s way more complex. The different facets that make up a soul, are understandably way more complex then anything we are capable of comprehending. The soul is what makes the human tick and drives him to be who he is, it shapes his personality, it’s where all the wants and desires of man are contained. Suffice it to say that the difference between the skin and the rest of the body, pales in comparison to the vast difference of the body and the soul.
Sexuality stimulates the nerve endings, is a very exciting, thrilling, and visual experience. It is also only skin deep. Intimacy is a connection of two human beings on all levels. When the hearts, minds, and souls of two people are locked in communion with each other, the two become one in perfect harmony. The act of sex is a physical manifestation of the spiritual connection on so many levels, just like icing on a cake. The cake is the main part of the food and the icing serves to enhance the cake, it gives it that little extra “kick”. One who has experienced true intimacy, will frown upon sexuality, not because it’s vulgar (which it is), rather because he looks at it as a cheap substitution for something that is so much more real. No amount of physical stimulation can hold a candle to the feeling that accompanies real intimacy. The reason for this quite simple. At its core sexuality is about taking whatever you can get from your spouse, and intimacy is about giving and thinking about her needs.
When a person gets married and is able to quit his bad habits for a certain amount of time, only to fall back in to them when the going gets rough, it might be because during the beginning of his marriage he was engaging in sexuality and his needs were being met. As soon as they weren’t being met, he reverts back to his old behavior. Had he been smart, he would have used the beginning of his marriage to work on loving her intimately, not loving himself sexually. Then, even if things are not so exciting on a sexual level, the main part of the intimacy is still there. Bottom line, if the focus is sexuality, it will depend on a lot of external settings to make it good, it won’t last for an entire life. On the other hand intimacy doesn’t depend on any external factors, and can be achieved by working on the relationship through love, devotion and communication.
Lesson #3 - A direct outcome of the aforementioned lesson was how I look at my wife. This took time to internalize, but over the course of the year, the clarity and realization that I married someone so special sometimes fills me with remorse about the way I used to view her. Since I was (at times) an obsessive luster, I would fantasize about the way I envisioned my sexual encounters should look like. When my dearest was not meeting my expectations, I viewed her through a prism of someone who was woefully inadequate in this area. This blinded me to all of her truly beautiful qualities (BH there are many of them). Sure, I didn’t say anything outright, and I was very nice and patient with her, but inside my heart I carried a certain amount of resentment toward her for not meeting my expectation. There is no question that I bore a certain grudge in my heart, which clouded my vision to see her as the special person she is. I clearly remember a scene from almost 20 years ago, it was either the first or second year of my marriage. My wife did her makeup for me, and I expressed my displeasure with something she hadn’t done to fulfill one of my whims. I wasn’t consciously being cruel, but that night I broke her heart. Since then I’ve apologized many many times for that terrible misdeed and she has forgiven me, but until this this year, I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of what I had done. To a lesser extent there were many times where I’m sure she felt my displeasure, and it was always a subtle strain on our otherwise pretty good marriage. I definitely did not give her the right amount of credit she does for me and the family. The past year has given me the ability to see her for the special person she is.
Lesson #4 - How I view myself. This one is very personal, and I hesitated before I decided to post, but I think that there is benefit in writing it out. One of the complaints I carried in my heart, was the fact that my wife doesn’t express her love for me verbally. I have no problem telling her how much I love her, and when I do so she will usually respond in kind, but rarely if ever will she initiate and verbal expression of love. This bothered me tremendously, because she doesn’t seem to have this issue when it comes to expressing it to our children, why am I any different? As the year went on, and the focus of sex shifted from one of animalistic pleasure to one of intimate connection, I realized, that I too struggle in expressing my love for her. Sure I have no problem saying the words I love you to her, but it doesn’t go much further then that. I feel like have a million kind words to say to her, but they’re all bottled up inside of me,and I can’t seem to bring it out. The problem is not hers alone, I guilty as well. It’s interesting, because in other areas and to other people I’m a pretty good communicator. I was speaking to the great Vehkam about this, and he suggested that I would perhaps benefit from therapy, to discover what the reason for this lack of my ability to communicate my emotions is. I have a hunch where it comes from, but that hasn’t helped be able to do so properly. Perhaps I do need help in this area, it is something I am currently considering. But, the awareness that the problem might lay within me was an eye opener, and I consider that progress.
Lesson #5 - How to empathize with your wife, taught to me by Benny and by Heeling. I was always able to see things from other people’s perspective, it’s a gift I was born with. However speaking to Reb Heeling gave me a new perspective in how to “put myself in her shoes” and try to visualize what she’s going through. This was very helpful to me because although I was aware of the five love languages, I didn’t internalize the one of acts of service. It seems to me that often my wife will appreciate when I help out around the house, and will sometimes interpret it as an expression of love. (Not always though, sometimes she tells me that it makes her feel inadequate as a housewife. Go figure.) But I’ve discovered that perhaps the most important love language that speaks to my wife is when I’m mentally present for her. I have been working on this. even when I’m reading or engaging in something I enjoy, when she talks to me, I try (sometimes successfully, sometimes less so) to give her my full attention. this means making eye contact, and expressing a genuine interest in what she has to say. I’m far from perfect, but I’d like to think that I’ve made some progress in this area as well.
Lesson #6 - Reb CO’s Posture of pornography was a big יסוד that I still try to implement. I am far from applying it on a day to day basis, and I definitely still squander way too much time, engaging in aimless activities without purpose, but still, regarding lust, I have been able to apply with reasonable success. I’d like to elaborate. Until this year, there were very few times that I would just show up in front of a computer sit down and watch something inappropriate. It began slowly with kosher things, slowly to more questionable things, until ultimately to things that were straight up אסור. But if you were to ask me right when I sat down, what do you plan on doing now, I would probably hem and haw, and not be able to articulate a clear answer, all the while knowing deep down that it’s probably going to end up in a bad place. This year that changed. Whenever I sat down to the computer, it was with a purpose and a goal to accomplish something. That is not to say that I have mastered this סוגיא, far from it. Sometimes the things I set out to do was to watch sports and politics on Youtube. But when I did, it was with the intention to use it to take away feelings that were negative, to distract me away from lust. Yes I was still being entertained, not ideal at all, but for this year, the main goal was to do whatever it takes to stay away from anything that will lead me to lust. For me those were the occasional feelings of boredom, the ups and downs of life that sometimes get to you, and I used it as a distraction to keep me away from those feelings. (Disclaimer: I’m not advocating for Youtube in general, but for me it served a distinct purpose this year, I hope to work on it further, and not need it at all)
Lesson #7 - Lust is lust. Period. For me this was a paradigm shift as well. My first exposure to lust started when I was about 8 or 9 years old. At the time, my extended family rented a house that had its own “private” beach. While it was private in terms of no one being able to park themselves on are our beach, there were may people that would stroll along on their morning and evening walks. Shockingly, they weren’t all dressed like they were in the the Shtettel. I remember looking for any excuse to go down the block to other parts of the beach so I could view the people there without my mother observing me. Unfortunately, I was successful a few times. This left me with a convoluted idea, that since it was legal to dress this way, it must be okay. Of course I knew that we don’t do things like that, but in the warped perception of a young impressionable boy, I was able to rationalize (with accompanying guilty feelings) that it’s okay for to me to look at. This was further reinforced by the occasional Sears catalogs that would sometimes make their way in my house. I would make sure to browse through all the pages before my mother would realize. If they can print it, it must be fine. Finally, I’m from the generation whose grandparents had a television in their home, and I would make sure to make full use of it without my parents knowledge. It’s shocking what was available even in the early 90’s on the screen, during the daytime. I would seek out every opportunity to indulge in things that the Goyim consider okay (books etc.), thinking that not looking at them is sort of like a חומרא which my parents keep. I’m not as ערליך as they are so I’m not so מקפיד.
I remember one scene in my head. We were once in a hotel as a family, my parents, having no clue was I was doing rented 2 separate rooms, one for themselves, and one for the kids. I remember waiting until all of my siblings fell asleep, and then turning on the cable TV and watching late in to the night. BH there was no porn, but there were many reveling scenes that triggered me in a major way. The next morning when my siblings were all up, with my parents still out of the room, I turned on to some “harmless” show. At one point, something immodest came up, I remember my younger brother going white in the face with shock and instinctively covering his eyes, I was immediately filled with a sense of shame at the contrast between myself and my younger brother.
As I grew older, I found out that there was a concept of women being completely undressed. That, I told myself, is אסור and it became my red line. So anything up until porn, was only a חומרא, I could lust as much as I wanted, anything beyond that was אסור. What I came to realize this year, (this came to me through many posts on the forums) was that one can watch porn without watching porn. Porn is not the issue, lust is, and even looking at a fully clothed woman can be just as bad as watching a naked one when done in a lustful manner. This is what חז"ל mean when they say, כל המסתכל באצבע קטנה של אשה כאילו הסתכל במקום התורפה. Honestly, I never really understood this גמ' until this year. Thank you forums.
Lesson #8 - The luster’s brain is always doing things for his wife to procure sex in exchange. Even though had you asked me last year why I did such and such for my wife, I would have probably said “because I love her”, it wasn’t 100% percent true (not the love part, why I did it). To be clear, I often did do things for her without any thought of enumeration, however often this was not the case. Subconsciously, if I did something for her, I expected “something” in return. I thought she didn’t realize what my motives were, but I was dead wrong. This was made clear to me this year on a Fri. afternoon, when I brought home flowers a day or two after she got her period. Now I buy flowers very often. Most Shabbosim, every YomTov, and every occasion like her birthday, our anniversary etc. That week she told me, “this week the flowers mean so much more to me, because I know that you’re not doing it for anything in return”. I responded, “most times I buy flowers, it’s without any thought of compensation”. To which she responded, “I know, but now I feel it”. We’re getting places.
Lesson #9 - The beauty of every Jew, no matter how far he’s fallen. This is strongly related to lesson #7. Since by the grace of G-d, never officially crossed over to the line of P&M, I used to somewhat look down at those that did. Even though I’ve dealt with Bochurim in the past, and I could give a great pep talk to a Bochur that came for Chizzuk, it was coming from a place of “this is beneath me, but I’ll share my expertise with you to help you, the Nebach that needs help”. Surely had I known about the more severe struggles that go on, I would have definitely looked down at those involved with a sense of righteous indignation.
Once I internalized that lust is lust, the stark realization that I’m no different then them, hit me like a ton of bricks. There’s no real difference between us other than where our red lines were drawn. My circumstances led me to do abc, and this person’s circumstances led him to do xyz.
BH that attitude has been completely eradicated from my psyche. All I see now, are beautiful, holy Yidden, some that struggle harder then others, each with his own mission to bring glory to our father in heaven. Even the one that struggles with very severe איסורים, is generally immersed in a sea pain, longing with all his soul to break free and be pure again. Sometimes that longing is caked with layers of grime and filth and it’s hard to be in touch with it, but what these forums have shown me, is that under it all, at its core, is a shining, beautiful soul, that’s crying out in pain of wanting to connect with something higher.
Lesson #10 - The power of friends. I saved this for last, because to me this was the difference maker that allowed me to hold on to what I’ve achieved. It’s inevitable that there will always be bumps in the road. No matter how hard you try, the YH isn’t resting, צופה רשע לצדיק ומבקש להמיתו. The ability to pick up the phone and call someone for Chizzuk, support, or even just to Kvetch on a hard day, was invaluable. Also the opportunity to gives others Chizzuk, is a great source of Chizzuk for me as well. I’ve gotten way more then I’ve given, even when I’m giving.
To those I have been זוכה to hug, to those I have been זוכה to spend hours on the phone with, and to those who’s posts have inspired me, I have no words to describe what each and every one of you means to me. I feel the warmth and love that emanates from this holy family. It gives me Chizzuk when I am down or sad (yes that still happens occasionally), it strengthens my resolve when I’m in a good place, and it’s an amazing support to have a network of friends who understand you and care for you like family.
All my Love,
Amevakesh
