My name is Yiraishamaim and I am 180 days sober.

I remember 180 days ago when I had just had a fall. I need not explain the flood of low emotion such an experience brings on. I had had it. I needed to do something to change this horrible cycle of Teshuva - acting out - depression - resolve to quit/teshuva - acting etc..

I remembered that picture of the guy drowning in the GYE ad. So I looked up the site and became a member of the forum. I decided to pick a name of an ideal I'd like to have, but sadly I am deficient in. I typed in Yiraishamaim - of course you need not be a dikduk expert to know it is YirAshamaim not YirAIshamaim. The misspelling is a sign of my fluster because of my momentary low emotional state. I don't want to ever change the name. Let it be a reminder for me of the emotional depression and confusion a fall brings on.
My nature is the kind that sees the cup half full rather than half empty. I like to see the good in people and I forgive easily. Great and not so great. Great because even my depression never ran too deep and was short-lived. Not so great because it took forever to get frustrated enough to decide a major change was necessary till much later than I should have.
It was only by the grace of G-d that I was not into much worse things than what I was doing. How is that? too long to explain for now, the fellow that I am I"H going to sponsor will have the "zechus" to be privy to the details.

Now for what's really important.

Once I came onto the forum Hashem helped me in a most profound way. I racked up day after day of sobriety. Slips came about mostly in the first 65 days and now B"H rarely indeed.
It is through GYE that Hashem has helped me and to the participants of the forum I owe an enormous Hakaras hatov.

I look back at my early posts and realize how much I have grown. What I realize now is so simple and second nature, then was not so clear.
examples:
_ acting out has much to do with underlying emotional needs like anxiety and fear. It is a sort of quick fix, a drug of choice if you will to alleviate an immediate emotional discomfort
- At first I was so delighted that I was not acting out, I did not put enough importance in shmiras aynayim on the streets. I would look away but what was so bad if it took a couple more seconds? I was taught this is so fundamental. Do not separate what you think is the big stuff from the small stuff. They are both big.
- I learned to sacrifice enjoyments if they are possible triggers.

I will continue in the next post...

I am so deliriously happy with reaching 180 days!

I remember reading a post a short time ago of a member here who is also a Ba'al Koreh in shul. He said that when he read Shir Hashirim in shul he got quite emotional. I really relate to that. It shows how low we really became with these actions and the stark difference between that and kedusha is major. That sudden realization brings on tears of joy!!!

I used to get so down when I read "VELO SASOOROO ACHAREI LEVAVCHEM VEACHAREI AYNAYCHEM ASHER ATEM ZONIM ACHAREIHEM" - now I beam with pride that I am on the right road. I used to not look at people in the eyes. I thought they probably can see I have P___ eyes. Even though I learned Torah and had weeks or more of stretches when I did not indulge in the forbidden. Now I have no problem looking at people. No insecurity in that regard
I am so much more relaxed. I can multi-task easier. If I have stretches of time alone I do not have a sudden zombie robotic slave-like urge to to something filthy and stupid.
I am thrilled beyond thrilled.

I love and appreciate all participants in the forum. If you love someone you wish them the best.

I WISH YOU SOBRIETY ( Can you think of something better?)

May we all get sober AND STAY THAT WAY so we can be the true YIRAISHAMAIM and AVDEI HASHEM that we were born to be.

Amazing post, from the writing, and form of it, i can see your an all season pro.
It seems like you have all the ideals in order, and i feel like I'm on that path swell. I see a lot of the ideas you shared in myself.
Do you have any advice for a guy on day 84. I still have some emotional ups and downs. One day I'm happy and one I'm sad. I take many stridencies to not fall, and this is what got me this far. But I'm not seeing 100% of the light at the end of the tunnel that i was promised to get on day 90. Wher's my everlasting happiness? I feel like this will always be baggage that i will have to carry for the rest of my life. 

"But I'm not seeing 100% of the light at the end of the tunnel that i was promised to get on day 90. Wher's my everlasting happiness? I feel like this will always be baggage that i will have to carry for the rest of my life."


Yosef10. 
Congrats on the days of sobriety. A great accomplishment.
Please take a look at the date of the post that you commented on. I have reached day 180, I believe three times. I have been even up to about 500 days already, and then had a relapse of sorts. Always the acting out was not more than about a day and I picked myself up and got back on track. 
Like many, I am a better coach than player.
After much soul searching, I put into affect changes that I pray will help me remain sober ODAAT without exception. These modifications greatly limit my exposure to experiences that could cause triggers

Although I am not a true student of the lust compulsion like the 12 steppers, I have learned some from my experiences, so I will give you my short two cents to your request.
Your routine of habit for so long has made inroads in your psyche. Please be patient, changes in your nature will happen to a great extent, however, it takes time.
Remember that lust is a major challenge to almost everybody. Not just forum members. There is a reason our Chachomim have us layn the section of Arayus on Yom Kippur. 
Having the challenge to some extent is actually a significant beracha. Please read the following post.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/249972-What-else-should-I-try?limit=15&start=15#250188

Also remember that it's "TSUR MAYRAH V'ASAY TOV"
For long term success your eyes must be not only veer away from lust, BUT also you must yearn to live a wholesome normal life with great ambitions.
A ship that stays in its harbor will not be damaged. However, that was not the purpose for which the ship was built. 
Hope to one day engage in great activities and fill your life will eternally valuable actions.

Yirai

yiraishamaim wrote on 13 Dec 2017 20:50:

I repeat: W**** d* H*** i* d* "f***-s***" (I like da way dat looks) w*****?

Great post in that forum, i appreciate all the advice. Its just that I'm a goal setter. It seems like theres never an end. I understand that its a blessing, that this got me closer to Hashem and will continue to o that. But i don't want this to effect me for the rest of my life. Right now I'm 16, pretty young, but when i think down the line, that if i never truly recover what will that do to my wife, and my kids. I want to be the type of person that never even thinks of crossing his wife, or doing anything to hurt his kids. I see the positives, and i enjoy and understand them, but the plus-minus of going through this seems totally out of proportion in favor of the bad. Even if i get better I will never trully recover. I hate that feeling of guilt that it can never fully and completely be fixed.

cordnoy wrote on 13 Dec 2017 21:28:

Cords - I wish I was smarter - I can't figure it out. What the H--- are you s-y-n-?

yosef10 wrote on 14 Dec 2017 00:27:

Recovery? Fixed? Hey it depends what you mean. True, no one can sit on his laurels and assume he/she is actually cured. But here's a couple of examples. President George W. Bush is an alcoholic. He was hardly in office and in came 9/11 with the twin towers come a tumblin' down.
Not only did he not drink but he  claimed he was also not truly tempted.
I know an alcoholic who has been clean for years. He told me how in the rough years - how he yearned for alcohol. I won't describe it, as to not trigger anyone; but believe you me he was truly sick.I asked him if he ever consumed alcohol by mistake and if so, how did it affect him. He told me that he once drank an alcoholic beverage that he mistakenly thought was a soft drink. He said he just put it down and that's all.
Are these two people cured? No, but they live and achieve much in their lives.

Just do what you got to do and let G-d take care of the results.

Where da Hell is da five-star widget?

Really appreciate you writing back and forth, may we all have Hatzlacha an dalways be ablee to control our temptations. Have an amazing Chanuka:)

How long does it take, i don'tmean to be pushy, but once again, i need reachable goals to know I'm on the right path, to know that i have something within my grasp that i just have to hold out a little longer. Ive done a lot do get this far, I'm scared ill just instinkevely burn out. And then ill have to start all over again. I don't know if i can do that. Its still very hard, and I'm scared.

yosef10 wrote on 14 Dec 2017 02:11:

You clearly have come a long way. However, there is much to learn. Right now please understand that there is a basic concept of letting G-d take over the struggle.
You should connect with a sponsor to guide you. Once you learn to correctly apply it, you will find it liberating and  you'll breathe much easier, less anxiety - more trust in the one who creates and sustains and supervises the world constantly. If he does all that, do ya think he can handle your compulsions my friend?
Once again, you need more personal guidance than this give and take.