Mazel Tov BB, great work! Keep it going!

Gevura!

Blind Beggar wrote on 15 Oct 2011 21:08:

Excellent point! Thanks!

It's time to explain my updated signature.


It used to say:


1) If I see a woman I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look.
2) I can guard my eyes.
3) I want to guard my eyes.
4) I do guard my eyes.


And here is the explanation:Which is still over here.


1) Is the first step of SA. I am powerless over lust, once I start, I cannot stop.


2) My reaction is not to look, like an alcoholic who cannot have only one drink. He can have none or he can go on a drunken binge. Elya explained 1) and 2) in Chizuk Email 998.
I asked him:
Hello Reb Elya, I have a question with the First Step, which is where I am holding in SA: I feel well armed to fight the lust battle, with:
TaPhSiC method  and
the Three Second Rule  and
I can take off my glasses and
post on the Forum and
call chaverim 24/6 and
I read the chizuk emails and
I have the K9 filter  and
WebChaver and more...
But then the First Step tells me I am powerless. I should lie down on the floor and cry in surrender, let go and let God, give up the fight, throw down my weapons and wave a white flag. How do these two ideas fit together?


And he answered me:


You are powerless THEREFORE you must use these methods, the 3 second rule, glasses, keep in touch with others who can guide you, filters to guard you, etc.Powerless means you cannot do this on your own, you (we) need help from others and a Higher Power.  Since you've put all of these things in place it's as if you have waved a white flag and pronounced you are powerless and ask G-d to help. Once you're away from lustful thoughts and pictures and lust itself, it becomes easier. This is G-d helping you. 


After talking with aa1977 we realized two more important points:
                                   
3) Rebbe Nachman z"l said we need to have a yearning to to Hashem's will and we need to verbalize it. "I want to guard my eyes".


4) Rebbe Nachman z"l said to search for the good points in all people, including ourselves. This is the "affirm" stage of the 3 second rule. "I do guard my eyes"


Now my signature is this:


1) If I see a woman as an object I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look.
2) I can guard my eyes.
3) I want to guard my eyes.
4) I do guard my eyes.


The addition is based on this:


Blind Beggar wrote on 26 Oct 2011 14:51:

Nice BB.

Was that me or a different Elyah?  I don't remember that.

--Elyah

keep on trucking

yes we can!!

Elya is not Elyah. Elya K. of the phone conferences wrote Chizuk email 998 and answered my question.
I don't know where I would be without you Elyah, but this nugget was from Elya.

beautiful piece BB!

(it's also a davar be'ito for me cause i just started learning the torah called 'Is Lan Bira' in L'M which speaks about what you mentioned)

one mistery down! I was sure that Elya K. is the eye.nonimous Elya from the forum whom I admire so much.
Keep 'em coming, maybe I'll learn something else (like from your signature )

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 31 Oct 2011 21:49:

For those who don't know, Zemiros is refering to Likutei Moharan 30.

that's in L"M volume 1

Did you read about the 3 Second Rule in today's email? Were you too lazy busy to follow it? Well, here it is:

Tip of the Day

The Three Second Rule
Posted by "Kedusha"


As you may know, addiction therapist Michelle Rappaport was a guest on Elya's conference call this past Thursday night.  I would like to share one important point that was mentioned that really seems to help me:

The "Three-Second Rule:" If you see something inappropriate, implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that you're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close your eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, b'Ezras Hashem, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.

Adhering to the three-second rule appears to be fully consistent with what the Halacha requires, and will also prevent any "slips" within rule #8 of the GYE Wall of Honor Rules. This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip").


This "rule" has got to make it into the next edition of the GYE Handbook. I've been on a high since I heard it.

Many times, people on the forum say things like, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes this poor soul feel guilty, when he's done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to slips and falls, c"v. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are you expected to look away.

1-2-3
brilliant

The three-second rule is a precious, precious tool, I use it all the time.
I found it difficult to remember to "affirm", but when I do, I say: You did the right thing, you're a good man, I don't care what your wife thinks about you....(if not applicable, just skip "you're a good man")

BB! Shkoyach!!

The only rule of looking that I am willing to use is the one I heard from a guy (who I think has a lot more recovery and sobriety than I have been given) in a meeting once. He said "The first look is on G-d (that is, His tab). The second look is on me (I pay for it)."

I can live with this 'rule', because it is obvious that there is nothing wrong, unhealthy, evil, or sick with me noticing that the woman standing opposite me in the elevator has a beautiful body or face. Whether one is an addict or in the normal struggling majority, it's Hashem's Will, apparently, for us to see.

The shayloh is, do I partake? Taking in her image is an act of reducing a real person to a sex object. But they are not. Pretending they are - or could be - for me, is just practicing lying.

So when I take a second look, it is on me. I'm paying! I sometimes say out-loudish (only I can hear it): "I'm paying for that look! Hah!", or, "She's really not mine, at all!" These looks are very costly, as they drag me down and deeper into un-clarity and unhappiness, always. They cost more than money...suddenly I am so spendthrift? That's why I can really laugh about it. On a good day, nothing makes me smile as much as seeing my own nuttiness and being able to laugh about it!

Nu. The analysis of these stages of each of the seconds makes my head spin. And incidentally, the only other person I have heard teach it to 'the masses' was another therapist...both women.

Maybe they deeply understand what I (as a guy) only understand grossly and experientially. Who knows?

Hey. The bottom line is not how it makes you feel or how smart it sounds, but how it works for you - or doesn't work for you.

Intentionally looking is always on me, even for one second, period. But I am pretty messed up.