I went for a drive to gain some clarity... which means you are all about to hear me rant.

In a standard mach' rashi / tosfos it is often surprising at first when they take such different views on one halacha - see kriat shma (brachos 2b) or tefillin (menachos 62a) for some examples. How do we understand how two gedolim, from the same world of torah, can come to such opposite conclusions? The answer is always that they are simply approaching the halacha from different perspectives, emphasizing on different aspects of the din.

L-Havdil elef alfei havdalos, I have decided to ask the same question about the mach' in my mind. How can it be that one part of me so badly wants to act out and give in (over and over and over again) and the other part of me is so horrified by the idea? The answer must be - different perspectives and that different parts of me are emphasizing different things.

The mach' in my mind is between the half of me that focuses on action and the half of me that focuses on being. The part of me that wants to act out doesn't think that it will be enjoyable and simply amazing - it KNOWS that it will be enjoyable and amazing. But there is another part of me that does not focus its desires on action at all. It desires that I BE a certain kind of person and that I have a certain type of identity. In other words, it is a mach' between what I DO and what I AM... and unfortunately, doing shtus like p** and m** completely contradicts who I want to BE, or who I hope I AM.

So which one do I choose, who do I listen to? Do I care more about what I DO and how much I enjoy it or should I care more about who I AM and how I identify myself? I really had to think about this.. it wasn't so obvious to me at first. After all, if I really do enjoy acting out (which I think I do, if I remember correctly) then why not just keep acting out and keep enjoying myself? Finally, it hit me - if that is what I do, then that IS who I am. Hashem commands us in mitzvos because only by ACTING a certain way, can we become a certain person. We are, whether we like it or not, defined by what we DO.
So.. when I am on my deathbed (whenever that day should come) do I simply want to be "The ma**bater"? Do I want to have defined myself as someone who is engrossed in self-pleasure? When I go up to Shomayim, do I want Hashem to say "Welcome home "dude who immersed himself in shtus" or do I want Hashem to say "Welcome home Dovekbashem"?

I may be an addict and a little confused at times but, Baruch Hashem, I'm not that stupid. Now that I get this machlokes, I think I am ra-oui to pasken... and I pasken like the tzad who looks at who I AM and who I want to BE. This tzad has ra-ayahs all over shas and seems pretty well backed up by achronim and rishonim. The other tzad has the yezter harah on his side... who - by the way - isn't even a rishon!

Have a good shabbos to all. Thank you for forcing me to get some clarity on this issue. This week saw many ups and downs... and hayom yom 24.