I am 21 years old. I remember the first time I touched myself inappropriately was in grade 7, just months before my bar mitzvah. I promised myself that after my bar mitzvah I would never touch myself again. It has been 9 years! I have touched myself inappropriately, I have touched girls inappropriately and am constantly (sometimes daily) failing at my battle with the internet. I used to think I was just a healthy teenager ( I was not so frum at the time) but now realize that I have an addiction. About 4 years ago, I began to learn halacha seriously and decided to become shomer negiah. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and life has been hard since then. I sometimes convince myself that the only way to maintain my shmirath negiah is by turning to the internet. I read on this website that fantasizing about various arayos is often normal for a sex addict which helps me confirm that that is what I am. I want to start dating, I want to raise a family of ovdei hashem and yirei shamayim but I don't want to lie to my wife and children about who I truly am. I want to be the eved hashem, the kadosh yid that G-d expects me to be. I want to stop falling and starting living a life of purity and purpose. I am clean now for 4 days. I am embarrassed by how proud that makes me but it is at least a start... I only hope my strength continues.

Welcome ! Ur name says it all, as long u. Commit to be addicted to hashem, u r in good hands, and hashem together with all GYE members will help u follow through, ur joining us here shows a lot and it will give u lots of tools how to deal with ur addiction, u say u r ashamed that u r only 4 days clean, do u know what 4 days is, u may not unplug the machine of a serious ill jewish soul even 1 minute, and here we talk for 4 days, that's a lot to thank hashem 4, and what else, u just came in the right time, pesach was the time we were pulled out from the deepest tumah, and so we r doing today iy"h
Keep us updated, with ur struggles and ur wins of course
A guten moed
JIP

Dear Dovekbashem,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

Perfect timing, finding us on Pesach, as we embark on our journey from Mitzrayim to freedom - to serve Hashem.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

I am now in the middle of day 4. It is hard. I am working in my room all day and all I want to do is touch myself and look at things on the internet... just to make myself feel better so that I can finally concentrate. Is it going to be this difficult forever? Do I even stand a chance?

I am taking deep breaths and really trying to control myself. I am spending a lot of time on this site but I feel like it wont hold me up for too long. Please respond. I need serious chizuk today.

My friend! To answer ur question, -is it going to be so hard all the time" the answer is NO, it gets easier as soon as u identify the source of the lust, and what triggers it, is it a co-worker? A non-filtred computer- or just too much free time on ur hands, so u spend extra time on the net doing nothing positive, please fill the time with different things, and tfilah to hashem will help u too, just don't look at the big picture, take each day as it comes, and remember as long as u spend time with us and reach out to us for help u r on ur way of recovery as long as u listen to what the real friends have to say about this addiction, and if u fail, don't let the YH grab u, he does not hold deed on u, u own urself and u can shove him off at any given moment that u wish to do so
Best of luck

I failed today. Day 4. I just couldn't do it. I need to be in my room working, I need my computer to be on and I just couldn't hold out. It was too hard. Day four. How sad and shameful. I can't even go four days. Maybe it was a bad idea to stop cold turkey? Maybe I should take smaller steps? First go 90 days without the porn, then go 90 days without masturbation? I'm no tzaddik, just a trying and failing yid.

Hello Dovekbashem!!

Chag sameach! Love your name. As Reb B says, "fell shmell". What the yh wants more than anything is for us to feel "sad and shameful"

I ain't know tzadik either, but with the help of Hashem I am learning to live sober. This is not acheived by fighting and white knuckling it. Please read the handbooks over and over again. In Hallel today we said "pishchu li sharei zedek" We ask Hashem to open the gates of righteousness for us. Only Hashem can save us from our addiction.

"O'decha ki anisani, va'tihi Li l'shua" we need to constantly give thanks to Hashem, 4 days is a start. Each hour clean from porn, especialy on a stressful day, is a gift from Hashem. Thank Him and He will be a salvation to us. Again only Hashem can save us.

"E'ven moasu ha'bonim haysa l'rosh pina"  I am now, believe it or not, thankful for my addiction. As your name goes, dovekbashem. For me only bec of the pain of my addiction have  I truly began to learn to be dovekbashem. And that is the real meaning of our existence. So yes, for me, this disgusting addiction is a my greatest gift from Hashem.  I know it will live with it forever, which is why everyday I need to connect to Hashem.

"Me'es Hashem..." Only through Hashem will this transformation occur.

"Zeh Hayom..." Every single day is special. You want this transformation to occur? Take it one day at a time. Let's rejoice together and stay sober for the rest of the day, and please read over the handbooks.

Dear Dovek, you are right. This can't be beat just by deciding to STOP. Obviously you need to do some basic steps. For starters, you need a strong filter - without access to the password, as well as accountability software like webchaver or eblaster that e-mails reports of the sites you visit to someone you respect. That's a first step to even START recovery.

Second, please read the handbooks (that I linked to above) to learn what tools you can use to break free. You will see that by following the guidelines and using the tools we suggest on GYE, it IS possible to go cold-turkey.

Talk to Hashem and always remain happy. The happiness itself BRINGS DOWN the Yeshuah.

Chag Cheirut Same'ach!

dovekbashem wrote on 01 Apr 2010 17:49:


You did not fail tonight; half the battle (if not the true battle) is not giving up, and had you given up you would not be here to tell us your struggle. Day four; a tough battle, the Y'H could stop you from moving forward. Sad and Shameful?? Hashem sees your tears Holy Yid! When one retires weeping; joy will come in the morning! 

MAZAL TOV! it is NOT sad and NOT shamefull AT ALL! You made a real effort to change and got 4 DAYS! You did something REAL!

Rav Shamshon Pinkus ZTL writes to an avreich who struggled in this area, and thought it's better he die, that holding back even a little outways MANY falls.

Thank you so much for your chizuk.

I had a thought today while I was doing hagbah in my shul. When I was a kid, I was always so scared to do hagbah, to hold up the torah for all to see, because I saw the other people who would do it and I thought you had to be much stronger than I was. Today, as I held up the sefer torah for all to see I came to a realization. You need much more strength to hold up the torah values within you and especially when no one - except G-d - will see. This is my first full day back on track. So far, I'm feeling strong. I wish myself and all of you many more spiritual hagbahs!

Hev Dovek,

Happy Pesach. When I started I also thought that just deciding to stop is enough. We must read the handbook and Do what it says. There are tools with which to beat this, we must just grab a hold of them and use them out. Take one day at a time. Increase your connection to Hashem (through Tefillah and learning). Do something nice for someone. There are so many things we can do. As I read your struggles and how you are working to beat them I am inspired

You are definitely worth the journey to sobriety.

Your Friend,
ZD

dovekbashem wrote on 01 Apr 2010 17:49:


Dear Dovek

Welcome... for some reason I missed this thread till now...
I relate to everything you are saying...
Hope to hear more form you...

I believe that you are correct in taking small steps...
Big ones -that are doomed to fail... is what keeps the problem going...

My humble opinion is that quitting everything cold turkey is too much and will leave you devastated when it breaks...

If you do want to take on the whole nine yards... the only real way to do it is with tons and tons of support... and what not... Perhaps a 12 step group 3 times a week...

I'm just throwing my thoughts out there... if it fits take it... if it doesn't leave it for the next guy...

Peace and Love Holy Brother.... 

Thanks Tried.

I am thinking seriously about your advice. I've decided that I will try my best to go cold turkey (I start my clean streak from scratch today) but we will see how it goes. I think that, if I am really falling and cannot keep myself afloat, I will alleviate the temptations without the internet (don't want to be too specific but I think you get what I mean). My hope is that it won't even come to that but I think that looking at p**n has to be a definite NEVER, even if I have to succumb to self-gratification to avoid it.

We're getting there. This is our chance to truly follow the path of bnei yisrael when they left Egypt as they slowly rose from tumah to taharah. I can't wait for the taste of Torah on Shavuos night, when I can speak it and learn it as a new, "clean" yid!