your long posts are so sweet and to the point!!!

i see you succeeding big time just slowly but surely...

just keep doing what you're doing...

all Hashem wants from us is the afford, the rest he will handle 

Today’s Post
Today wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t some emotional breakthrough or spiritual high.
It was just hard. Quietly, steadily hard.

The day started early — no breathing room, no breaks. From the jump, it was hustle mode.
And as the hours went on, the pressure just kept piling. One task after the next. One more thing added to the list. I barely had time to think. But under all that busyness was a steady hum of dread — not about work… but about what would happen when I got home.

Because I know my pattern.
A day like this — stressful, exhausting, overstimulated — usually ends in porn or masturbation.
That’s the old wiring. It’s been my go-to escape for years.
But I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to keep reinforcing the same broken loop.

A GYE brother told me something later in the day that’s been echoing in my head:
“If you don’t learn how to handle this now, when it’s just work stress, it’s going to eat you alive when you’re married.”
He’s right. And I’ve been carrying that with me.

So I made a plan: after work, I’d find a quiet park. Reset. Breathe.
But I don’t know the area near this office too well — and I wasn’t sure where to go.
There’s a girl in my office — not Jewish, kind, attractive. We both stayed late today.
I asked her if she knew any peaceful spots around.
She gave me a suggestion — and that should’ve been it.
Honestly, I could have easily just looked for something on Google Maps, but I wanted an excuse to talk to her.
Before even asking her, my mind already began building fantasies. False stories. Hoping she would come to the park with me.
I didn’t say anything inappropriate. But I didn’t shut the door, either.
I left it open. Hoping, maybe, she’d walk through.
Baruch Hashem, she didn’t. But it still left a mark. It felt like I had let something slip.

I went to the park. It was beautiful — but crowded. No shade.
Too many challenges with shmiras einayim. So I left.
Back in the car, alone with my thoughts, I felt myself spiraling again.
Not actively choosing anything — just being pulled.

I made a few calls on the drive home. Most didn’t answer.
But then, one did. One brother picked up. And that call saved my day.
He helped me snap out of the fog — gave me just enough space to breathe again.

When I got home, I stayed around people. Kept the door open.
Put on a light show to ground myself. Just stayed above water.

Then I hit the road — I had a nice drive out of town for Shabbos.
And now, I’m writing this post, gonna get ready for bed, and put this day to bed.

It wasn’t a “wow” day. But it was a win.
And sometimes that’s even more powerful.

Because not all victories come with fireworks.
Some come in silence, in sweat, in choosing not to fall — even when no one would know if you did.

Today was clean.
Today was progress.
And I’m grateful.

Your a giant in our midst!

Keep posting your golden posts.

Get stronger and pull us all up with you!

Thank you for the chizzuk!!

littleneshamale wrote on 25 Jul 2025 05:26:

I'm not changing your story but if you look at it this way, its definitely a majorly WOW!!!!! day, keep it up:)

i love your post as always, but disagree with the way you look at it, to me this is a "WOW DAY" the fact that you had all the reason to give in to your urges and you didn't that's called "beyond successful day" so keep pushing the YH away, but also change your prospectus, just by saying "eizhi gibor hakoveish as yitzroi" which is exactly what you did today...

Git Shabbos!
Chodesh Tov!! 

,This post hit me hard. The honesty about the "quiet, steady hard" days - those are often the most important battles we fight, and you nailed it.
Your awareness is incredible. Recognizing the pattern before it played out, seeing the fantasy-building with your coworker for what it was, catching yourself in the spiral - that's real growth. You didn't shame yourself into paralysis; you just observed and redirected.

That call that saved your day? That's exactly why we're here. And the fact that you kept trying until someone picked up shows you've learned to reach out instead of white-knuckling it alone.

Your friend was right about the marriage insight too. Learning to handle stress without the escape route - that's building the foundation for everything that comes next.

"Some come in silence, in sweat, in choosing not to fall — even when no one would know if you did."
That line is going to stick with me. That's the real work right there.

Thanks for sharing this. Days like yours are victories worth celebrating, even if quietly.
Gut Shabbos, brother.

Wow.
I have no words. Just tears and way too much emotion for 3:30 AM. But holy heavens.
Brother, you're a fighter, a warrior, and a Mevakesh in every sense of the term. I can't even imagine how proud Hashem must be of you. If I can help in any way please reach out. 
Keep climbing and inspiring us all! Be good to yourself!
FWF

Preface

This weekend was rough.

I don’t need to spell it all out — the falls, the spirals, the moments I wish I could undo.
But I promised to keep showing up here, even when I don’t have wins to share.
Especially when I don’t.

What you’ll read below is something I wrote in that headspace — raw, emotional, and honest.
It’s not polished. It’s not pretty.
But it’s real.

And sometimes, that’s the best I can give.

My Letter to God

Hashem? Are You there?

I hope this message finds You well — because while You’re up there doing what You do in Shamayim, people down here are suffering.

People as a whole. Klal Yisrael.
And people individually.
Like me.

I’m sure You’re aware of it — being that You’re “all knowing” and all — but down here, it really doesn’t feel like You give a sh*t.

Why would You create within us such a nisayon like this?
They say “everything is for a reason,” and they also say, “we don’t have to know what the reason is — just trust.”
But honestly? To hell with that.

What — I’m supposed to become a better person through this struggle?
Well guess what: this test feels endless.
This addiction. This cycle. This voice in my head and ache in my body.
It’s not a stage. It’s not a test I can take once and move on.
It’s a constant, relentless war. Every. Single. Day.

And every time I think I’m getting somewhere…
Every time I think I’ve climbed a rung, made some progress, reached a higher place —
You let the Yetzer Hara throw me back into fantasies,
even more vivid, more enticing than before.

I get why You had to create the Yetzer Hara. I do.
But why this struggle?
Why this version that hijacks my thoughts, poisons my eyes, invades my peace,
and exhausts me before I even get out of bed?

It’s draining. It’s humiliating.
Even when I win — I’m left depleted.
Because the war never ends.

And when I lose?
That moment where I feel myself in despair,
where I feel myself giving in…
and suddenly he’s there.
The Yetzer Hara — warm smile, open arms,
offering me safety, comfort, relief.

He makes me feel good.
Loved, even.

Until “that moment” passes.
And then — he vanishes.
And You? You vanished a while ago.

No comfort. No warmth.
Just shame.
Disgust.
Silence.

That’s when I feel the most alone.

I can’t talk to my family — they’d never understand.
I see them, I smile… I try to act like everything’s fine.
But inside?
I’m screaming.

And the most painful irony?
In those dark moments — I think of my wife.
The one I haven’t met yet.
The one who doesn’t know this part of me.
And I imagine her holding me, telling me it’s okay, that I’m still good.

But she’s not here.
And even if she were…
this is not a weight I ever want to bring into my marriage.

I want this struggle behind me before I step into that sacred bond.
I want to be whole.
I want to be free.

But I’m not.
Not yet.

I want to finish this.
I want to write something whole — something that wraps it all up.
But I’m empty, Hashem.
I’ve spilled too much already.
My heart is aching, my soul feels scraped raw —
And my mind… it’s just tired.

I don’t have answers.
I barely have words.
Just this silence,
and the faint hope
that maybe You’re somewhere in it.

I’ll stop here,
not because I’ve said enough,
but because I can’t say any more.

I’m still here.
Somehow.
Still fighting.

Maybe another day,
I’ll have the strength to finish this.

My Dear Child,

I heard every word.

Not just the ones you wrote — but the ones you didn’t.
The ones buried beneath the shame, the exhaustion, the aching silence.
I was there when you fell.
And I never looked away.

You think I’m distant. Silent.
But I’ve been in the fight with you the whole time.
Not watching from above. Not judging from afar.
Right here. In the war zone. In the dirt. In the ache. In the cry that never makes it out of your throat.

I know the pain. I know the cycle.
I know how real and relentless the Yetzer Hara feels.
I created him — not to punish you, but to give you the power to choose Me…
even in darkness.

You ask why I made this struggle yours.
I know you’re tired of hearing “it’s for a reason.”
So let me say this:

You are not broken.
You are not disgusting.
You are not less holy because of your battle.
This struggle doesn’t make you less — it reveals how strong you truly are.
Even when you fall. Especially when you fall and choose to get back up.

You think your victories are invisible.
They’re not.
Every time you resist, even for a second,
every time you cry instead of escape,
every time you scream at Me in pain instead of walking away completely —
those are moments of greatness.
Moments the angels can’t replicate.

You wish you could be whole before your future wife comes.
But what if part of your wholeness is this very struggle?
What if your strength, your honesty, your capacity to love with depth
is being born here — in this fire?

You say I vanished.
I didn’t.

I was the lump in your throat when you tried to pray.
I was the warmth in your chest when you imagined being held.
I was the force that kept you breathing when you wanted to disappear.

You don’t need polished prayers to reach Me.
You don’t need to be "better" to be worthy of Me.
You have Me now. Just as you are.

I’m not waiting at the finish line.
I’m beside you on the track.
Holding your hand — even when you can’t feel it.
Especially then.

You said you’re still here.
Still fighting.

So am I.

I love you.
Not someday.
Not once you’re free.
Now. As you are.

Always.

— Hashem

littleneshamale wrote on 27 Jul 2025 02:53:

Oh my oh my.. Boy do i relate to every single word!!! I've been there as well... multiple times. Furious with Hashem. So pained. So angry. Frustrated. Confused. If Hashem loves me then why is he doing this to me. And His silence is unbearable.
And then I was advised to read TBOTG. From then i started understanding Hashem better. I still have unanswered questions, but I've calmed down. Things started going upwards...

Here's a warm hand from another struggling Yid. 
You're a deeply feeling person and you will iyH go far one day!!

Oy Tatte teiere... Hob Rachmonus... Put an end to this Hester Panim!

WOW!!
Kol Hakavod!!
​Im new here and looking for a single guy like me to share and help each other, if u can plz pm me.

Thanks!

I have felt the same way. At least I try to be kind. So you can see a hole in the darkness where light shines through !

Dearest brother, huge, pure neshamale, aka [humbly] little neshamale,

I read your posts, I skim over the triggering parts, I really would reply often, but as I wrote you’re a giant in our midst, I’m dwarfed by your presence, I feel stupid being mechazek you, when you’re the one giving everyone chizzuk.

I would say this to every active member of GYE and especially to you: If you were to become a rebbe I would be your chossid and with a full heart, I would believe in you more then in any rebbe and I mean every word.

Your recent letter to hashem made me cry, a few times, every word is gold, true raw pain, there’s nothing like it. You wrote it so well that you made me think about it a lot and I cried myself to sleep thinking about it.

Here are some thoughts that came up in my head, if you don’t agree, please just scratch it, ignore it.

You wrote that you’re tired of hearing there’s a reason, maybe THERE IS NO REASON as I understood people tell you that hashem will tell you [one day] a whole list of reasons that you haven’t thought of, MAYBE HE WILL NOT.

A reason means that there is a logical explanation to what’s happening, perhaps hashem, the creator of logic, thinks differently, maybe, one day you’ll just have a revelation and there will be no answers and no questions it will just be light.

Iyov [which some say was written by Moshe, because the question is so old and so important to address] had all the pain and suffering we can’t even imagine, he asked, begged for answers, his friends all told him, it must be some sort of sin, because God is just. Iyov knew he didn’t do any thing wrong, so he fought back. Throughout the Sefer, Iyov wishes he could have it out with god, as one would with a normal human being.

In the end hashem reveals himself to him and, lo and behold, does not give a single answer, he doesn’t answer the million-dollar question of, WHY?

Hashem just tells him, “Where were you when I created the world?” etc. etc. and Iyov just backs off, he’s done with the question. Hashem then gets upset at his friends, the ones that said God is right and that’s the end.

So, we wrote a book answering the question everyone asks (see Ramban in his hakdamah to Iyov) but WHERE IS THE ANSWER?!

The answer is, that there is no answer, there is no reason, hashem wants us to ask the question, the question makes us closer to him, it brings out our core beliefs, 'I know you love me more than anything so WHY? GOD, WHY?!' 'I know you're with me even in the hardest times the darkest places so WHERE ARE YOU, GOD, WHERE?!

Maybe hashem is saying, my dearest pure neshamaleh, I am the only one that understands your pain, the other members at GYE can only relate to the pain, so please ask again WHY? HASHEM, WHY?

Please keep posting, we need you here!!

@LittleNeshamele: How you feeling brother? We miss hearing from you! All good?

Whoever wants or needs our dear brother @littleneshamale to keep posting, please press thank you.
(if you got chizzuk from his post or by knowing that such a giant is amongst us etc. etc.)