chosemyshem wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:23:

Thanks, Reb Shem. I appreciate the insight, especially the fact that it's practical and a small enough step.

As for your second suggestion, trust me, brother, I've toyed with similar ideas for a long time. (I still do from time to time.)
But I'm shifting my focus. I want life.

Here's what I'm trying to focus on this Chanukah. Don't know if it'll resonate with you, but it's enthusiastic, circular hand gesture - free.

Here's what I'm thinking.

For a while, I've been using my history as a crutch, an excuse to avoid taking responsibility, not even to make an honest effort. Looking back a few years, I never used to be like this. I always took life — warts and all — on the chin. No fuss, no complaints; I'd show up and do what needed to be done. And then, something shifted in me. I became complacent, lazy, and comfortable in my victimhood.

From a naturalistic perspective, this might be the proper response. There's trauma, neglect, and a list of other catalysts for misery.

But what Chanukah teaches us is that we're not bound by nature. Make an effort, and your tiny, scrawny excuse of an army will defeat the mighty Greeks with their advanced weaponry and tactics.

That's how I currently understand the light of Chanukah.
It says, "You are not your trauma."

But I need to take the first step. Am I willing to listen and accept this empowering message?

Hineini.

Wow, that's one of the most positive things I think you've said Thompson, and it's so true too. Many of us are victims, some of us are victims of victims. I have a Me Too story, as I'm sure a lot of us out there have. Yeah, I hate the boy who did that to me and how he ruined me. But as I learned in recovery, we can't be victims forever. We need to emerge from victimhood. How? For me, it was through acceptance. I had to learn to accept myself (i.e. really, I had to learn to love myself). We are not our trauma, we are a tzelem elokim, and we can never forget that. It's a process, it takes time to heal, and lots of inner work, but it does get better.

I too am a victim of a victim. 

separating myself form my trauma and understanding that my struggles in large part stemmed from my trauma, was very helpful.

I still have more to do, but acceptance and understanding that all my experiences, even negative ones, are part of who I am today. Dare I say, I am proud of who I am today. I have much to improve in multiple areas, basic improvements, but I’m proud of myself.

The olam here at GYE helped me reach that realization.

Here’s wishing for you and others to get there too….

Muttel

thompson wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:08:

The only thing I can possibly say is that the whole limud of Chanuka is that Hashem does nissem for us just because he loves us. He even does nissem that were not necessary (eg: menorah, tumah hutra btzibur). His love for us is unconditional. Regardless of what we do.
I may add that Rav Akiva Eiger ZT"L said the way to come to Ahavas Hashem is to focus on his love for us. When we do that, the love for him comes from "Kmayim Panim El Panim". Knowing how much he loves us which translates into our love for him gives  a major motivation to clean up .
Just thought I would share

Slightly following Rav Leuchter's advice (thanks, Shem), one part in Halel captured my attention.

אתהלך לפני ה' בארצות החיים
האמנתי כי אדבר אני עניתי מאד
אני אמרתי בחפזי כל האדם כזב

One of the things threatening to keep me down is negative self-talk. When all feels bleak and hopeless, nothing anyone says can help me if I tell myself otherwise. When I'd get into a dark spot, it'd be impossible to get out of it because I'd be busy knocking myself for the next few days.

"You'll never learn."
"You're pathetic."
"You've got nothing to offer anyone."
"Just give up already."
"You can't even do something as simple as giving up."
"Your wife would be better off had she married someone else."

Chanukah had its fair share of ups and downs, but I'm learning to accept my failures and continue walking before God.

How will I merit to walk before Hashem in the lands of the living?
By (verbally) reinforcing my positive potential when I'm in pain.
Hearing others say it will never ring true to my soul - if I don't believe it.

It takes courage to believe, especially after years of telling myself the opposite.

Even though we are still a few hours from the finish line, and I'm well aware of how fast lust works, I'll still go ahead and say: Thank You, Hashem, for a Chanukah free from porn and masturbation.

thompson wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:58:

I just came back from a Chanuka break. Catching up a bit. 
Wow. This is beautiful, profound, and real.

Thank you. 

לחיים

Here's an update on my story:

The Good:
I haven't masturbated to porn in a while; in fact, I haven't masturbated at all in a (slightly shorter) while.

The Bad:
I began using porn much more as an end in itself.

The Ugly:
On the one hand, I feel that because I don't masturbate and thus don't get the release, my porn sessions can, and do, go on for much longer. On the other hand, it seems that I've divided my problematic behaviors and started conquering them. On the third hand (I've heard some people calling this "the first foot"), this all might be stinkin' thinkin'.

To be honest, what bothers me most about my current porn viewing habits isn't so much the "porn" and "GYE" aspect as much as the wastefulness. Of course, it also bothers me that it's not good for me and hurts my marriage, etc. But more than that is the fact that whenever I feel a slight discomfort (mostly at work), instead of confronting the feeling and doing what needs to get done, I run to porn for comfort, and before I know it, 45 minutes have passed, and I'm numb. And, as I mentioned earlier, because I don't masturbate, there's no resolution, so I can just crank it up again five minutes later.

At any rate, I'm happy that I've mitigated one aspect and annoyed that the other one has intensified.
Whack-A-Mole.

Otherwise, things have BH been trending upwards. My moods, patience for my wife and kids, grappling with darkness, living in the long shadows of the past, and a storage unit full of demons are BH becoming more manageable and, in some cases, enjoyable. This is not to say that life is a bowl of cherries (or whatever metaphor you fancy for a problem-free life); tough days still arise but I'm learning to be tougher.

A small helping of growth is worth more than a truckload of pretty much anything else, is how I look at it. 

Stinkin' thinkin' (to me) is when the rationalizations justify the negative behavior or reinforce staying in comfortable negative patterns. I don't think your post is either. Seems like an honest report of incremental growth. Which is the valuable kind.   

Thank you for sharing - it picked me up on this cold and dreary evening.

chaimoigen

Shalom, good people (you know who you are).

One of the well-kept secrets of the grieving process is that, unlike the common assumption, it's not linear.

I think we can apply the style of the Sefiros here, too.
First there's denial, then there's denial shebe'anger, followed by denial shebe'bargaining, and so on. Even when we reach acceptance, there's still acceptance shebe'denial, acceptance shebe'anger (that's a good one), etc. Acceptance shebe'acceptance doesn't come easy. It's everyone's hopeful final destination, but hitting depression doesn't necessarily mean we're getting there. The detours are plentiful and sneaky. And even when we arrive at the blessed doorstep of acceptance, we can be kicked back to the thicket of anger in an instant.

What's important to realize is the progress we make. The slow, tedious, painstaking steps we take. Like the stock market, which is below its previous all-time high most of the time, but the relatively short bursts of upturns are what ultimately mark growth, we must stay committed to the project and not get discouraged by the seeming lack of progress.

This has been my life for a long time now, without me necessarily realizing it. The twists and turns, ups and downs, getting to a good enough place to think I'm stable, only to fall to the depths immediately afterwards, with no prior notice, getting to a good place, and not allowing myself to enjoy it because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop—all of that and more.

I've been learning to identify and deal with anxiety. Yes, identify. I never really understood what that hole in my stomach was; anxiety was something other people had, not me. But, as it worsened over the past few years (and began having physical ramifications), I was forced to acknowledge and address it.

I'm BH in a good place right now, and I'm under no illusion that this is here to stay and am not taking it for granted. But neither will I reject it.

What started as a quest to quit porn and masturbation, is now a full fledged journey to mental health (a term I used to despise - and still need to come to terms with).

I want to, once again, start posting regularly.

May the Almighty grant us all clarity and courage (and other stuff we need but know not).

Tom!! ashrecha you seem to be shtieging a lot !!! 
just saying seems like a lot of us realized it wasn't as much about the p and m but the realization that we needed internal change on a emotional level, and it's less about kicking the habit rather it's its about becoming a Adam hashalaim .
         Keep fighting 
        

thompson wrote on 01 Jul 2025 20:15:

I’m blown away. Deeply moved and impressed both by the content and deep truth you’re describing, and by your personal courage. 
You get the full 21 gun salute. 
and my genuine best wishes.

Chaim

Kudos to how vulnerable you were in that post!

Fixed your thread title for you, no need to thank me. 

Keep up the excellent truckage.