Brother, just checking in on you, is everything ok? We want to hear more of your story!

Hi,
Thanks for the check-in. I wish I would have more time to write. The first part took me about 2 hours to write...

Reb YTW,

You story is quite fascinating!
We are itching for part 2.
if writing a part 2 the size of part 1 is overwhelming break it into smaller parts.
Everyone loves a good cliff-hanger.

Good Shabbos my heroic friend! 

Can reach out to me personally @ chaimbreakfree@gmail.com  

howdy
plz continue
writing about our bad feelings make them feel better
shabbat shalom

Part 2

I was fighting with my teeth and nails, holding on by a thread so as not to fall. I begged for help. I screamed SAVE ME, I can't take this any longer. I was getting mixed messages from different people. Some said, come on, get over it, you're doing great, you're keeping up for so long... Others said, come on, face it, you're an addict, you need help, maybe attend a12 steps group, others pushed back, why should you go to a group, it has some problems, it's only used if there's no other choice... I was stuck in the middle, not knowing what to do and who to believe. I was literally going crazy. I felt like I was busting. How much can a human being handle? Who do I believe? This is ridiculous. I CAN'T ANYMORE. HASHEM WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. I remember one night after a really difficult therapy session where my therapist pushed me to join a group, and others pushed back (falsely claiming that I was just fine) that I, for the first time in my life, felt like I was going crazy. I did not feel like myself. My mind was going wild. I was furious, mad, angry, and confused. I was terrified that I'd snap. (By luck, Hashem sent my way a good friend I hadn't met in over a year to get me out of my crazy mood).I tried fighting a little longer, constantly questioning myself why I was fighting this fight. However, after 726 days clean, I finally broke and slipped. After coming home from a wedding late, I searched keywords on the Web(that the filter let through) and ended up with M that night.These were the text messages that night:




I didn't know what to do. I was numb. However, I also felt a sense of relief—it's hard to explain. I had finally proven that I wasn't lying the past few weeks. I also realized that M didn't even feel as good as I thought it did. I decided not to stay down but get up and move on.This is the text I sent my partner the following day:



It was a miracle that I was able to get back up and not continue falling. I brushed myself off and stood up again.After another 726+62 days of remaining clean, I had something very stressful,l and I read stuff again. And fell. From then I've been grappling for the past month approximately with looking at pictures, watching borderline stuff..., and acting out...I'm a broken man with a broken soul. My ego is shattered to the ground. After hundreds of clean days, I'm back to square one and still struggling and falling without any way out of this. My willpower is very low; I'm afraid of another failure. It's too painful . I can't afford losing another battle so I just gave up. Again,  I'm unsure whether I'm supposed to join a group, and  I'm getting conflicting messages from both sides. I'm stuck, miserable, living a double life, betraying my wife (and myself), having a hard time falling asleep and waking up, have no patience to work, am depressed and down. On the one hand, I'm crying for help. On the other hand, I'm afraid of another failure. I don't know what else to say except that I'm totally messed up.Love you all,Ytw.

Dear friend, so sorry to hear about your relapse. I think you to cut yourself some slack. 726 clean days is a helluva accomplishment! Many people here wish they could get that clean streak, myself included. 

also, respectfully, you are 1000% mistaken when you write that 726 days went down the drain. It is incorrect from a spiritual perspective and incorrect from the perspective of neuroscience and recovery. Please don’t fall into this black and white thinking that your success in recovery is defined by your current streak. That simply isn’t true. I get, it’s natural to feel that way and we all can get hyper focused on the streak . It’s normal.

be assured that you are killing it in recovery if you got a 726 streak. Think of your wins and losses like a batting average. Look at the whole picture , not just a snapshot in time. You are doing amazing. God loves you. Keep on fighting brother. 

time2win wrote on 02 Feb 2025 12:42:

Not much to add to this beautiful and true response. Brother, it's tough to fall, but what separates the men from the boys, is the ability to pick yourself up after a fall. Realize that your value comes not from your streak, rather from the effort that made it happen. There's way to much emphasis on the streak on these forums. It's more about cleaning up the inside that's important, and if you were able to go 726 days without falling, it's something that you undoubtedly did. That wasn't lost, and won't be if you get back at it and continue this fight. We're rooting for you brother! 

Hashem should give you clarity in whatever choice you make, brother.

I cant begin to understand your pain, cuz i never did the first stretch!! Did you seriously stay clean for 762 days, i envy you my friend.

I wish i could be in your place. Hashem should give tyou the koach to stand back up. 

I need you to get back up, do it for all of us here.

 Love, a fellow struggler

"Realize that your value comes not from your streak, rather from the effort that made it happen.".
wow!!! what a gold line. this gives me so much chizzuk and is so true and deep.
and to my dear brother YTW, your story made me cry. 762 is an enormous not only accomplishment, but a change in your actual self. its a mind boggling number!!! Therefore, i cannot relate as in what to advise, because i wish to one day be at the "+62" streak at least, but i know that your strength will crush your yetzer to shreds as it did in the past. 
Much hatzlacha, and a huge hug.