בשם ה' נעשה ונצליח
Hi and Shalom 'Alekhem to everyone. I heard shining things about this site so I signed up around five months ago, but I've only become active in tracking and doing exercises this past week; I have high hopes and GYE seems like a community of good-hearted, warm people, temime leb and yore-e shamayim here to support each other in our growth. Be"H I should merit and be zokheh to join you all.
On myself: I'm 23 years old, from the United States, with an Israeli background. I am ḥozer beteshubah (not to say that I am fully shomer miṣwot but be"H I will merit this one day), and now identify as more or less Sephardic Modern Orthodox (Shabbat, keep basic kashrut although I would like to be more stringent, mithpallel 3 times a day and learn when I can). I have a strong interest in ḥazzanuth, and am a ḥazzan for a small minyan I helped found. I just graduated from university and hope to start working soon.
I've struggled with P&M in some form for about seven years, but have wanted to quit (always unsuccessfully) for around the past four, as it's grown from an occasional guilty vice to the all-consuming habit that swallows up hours of my day: during which I transform into a different person: a grotesque shell of myself, poshe'a, bereft of miṣwoth and any favorable middoth, and completely under the shilṭon of my Evil Inclination. Yet, even as I am in the middle of this daily nightmare that eats up who I am, I can feel my real self -- my Yeṣer haṬob -- kicking inside, screaming to stop-- but here I am pinned down in place by an unseen force, unable to move or react or act on my real, true, sincere wishes. I am an asir of my own hand, I am as innocent of being oppressed as I am guilting of oppressing myself. I hate it. I can't continue living like this. As these sessions conclude or during, I even have verses of Torah of the day's tefillah floating around in my head as if to remind me of what is emeth and what is sheqer while I chose in the midst of sheqer. The last time I slipped, I remember the verses from Seliḥoth: ... דְּעָנֵי לַעֲנִיֵּי, עֲנֵינָן. דְּעָנֵי לַעֲשִׁיקֵי, עֲנֵינָן. דְּעָנֵי לִתְבִירֵי לִבָּא,עֲנֵינָן.דְּעָנֵי לְשִׁפְלֵי דַעְתָּא: "He who answers the poor, answer us. He who answers the oppressed, answer us. He who answers the broken-hearted, answer us. He who answers the downtrodden, answer us." So in this spirit, I hope that yosheb 'al kisse raḥamim will answer my pleas-- and that all of you, who are yoshebim in your halls of study, at your dinner tables, and at your office desks, can answer and we can work lema'an aḥai were'ai to keep each other on the straight path.
Out of all this, somehow, I have merited to have the most wonderful girlfriend. I met her at my university's Chabad; we have been together for almost three years and I hope to propose, be married, and build a home full of love, purity, and miṣwoth as soon as I am mesadder parnassah (by her and her family's wishes). Early in the relationship, she knew of my issue and attempted to help me. She "flew too close to the flame," and the indirect fallout nearly separated us. Since then, my P use has been an elephant in the room that we rarely discussed, and always with great discomfort on both ends. Likewise, it grew in the shadows, as there was no one to hold me accountable. What triggered my newfound motivation and enthusiasm was a candid conversation we had a week ago about my seemingly hopeless situation. I confided in her that part of why I love spending time with her is because it reminds me I am good at heart, and not "evil, disgusting, hated, and unredeemable" like I feel after each P binge. She aggressively defended me, that she knows that my struggle (which in the past couple years ceased to be a real struggle, and was more of an occupation where I could never go more than two days without use, and sometimes used compulsively several times a day) is not who I am: that my middoth are representative of who I am at heart. And also, that we should not raise a family until I have conquered my conqueror, and that she is depending on me, believes in me, and is there to support me.
Yishtabaḥ shemo la'ad, I am now "struggling" again: by which I mean that the going is hard, but I have a real fighting chance, and will not stop struggling, no matter how many times I lose in the short-term, until I am victorious. I suffered a setback after a nearly 6 day streak- which may seem like little, but was the longest streak I've had in at least two years and my third best all-time. I don't want to darshen to people, but I can't understate the importance of confiding in someone close who knows your struggle, loves you, and will hold you accountable. My 'awonoth grew in the shadows, and the light is proving a challenge for them b"H. That is part of what led me to want to write here. I've never written about my feelings on this issue (even in a journal) and so this is my first time putting my feelings and experiences into a readable form. I hope this will keep me accountable in the future. Since I slipped, I am on my 2nd day clean, feeling strong. May we all merit strength, freedom, good judgement, some providence and hashgaḥah and siy'atha deshmaya. My feeling is that if I am maṣliaḥ in conquering this issue, I have it in me to conquer any other obstacle that the Qb"H should put in my way, and I'm sure I am not alone in this feeling.
Bizekhutheh deṣadiqaya that give us inspiration, may every single on of us be maṣliḥim.
כל טוב,
אב"ג
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