Hi everyone, this is my first GYE post. I've relied on GYE a few times throughout the past few years and it's helped me a lot.

I want to ask you for help with a dillema that confuses me. What exactly is the goal of GYE? Many of the videos talk about rewiring my brain. If I spend 90 days free from P&M then that causes physiological changes. What exactly do I want to happen?

I'm in my 20s and not married. At this stage of my life I don't have any healthy or halachically permissible outlets for my sexual desires. On the one hand, I see the dangers and harm of P&M does and I want to run far away from it. But on the other hand, I want to get married and have a family so it's important that I feel sexual desires. If every time I have an urge I suppress it or let it pass, aren't I "rewiring" myself to not have those urges anymore? 

The first time I made a concerted effort to stop P&M was when I was a teenager. I succeeded in getting to 90 days and it transformed my life. But the next few year after that I barely felt any urges at all. I feel like I went too far in rewiring myself. Since then I've "relapsed" and I feel urges again all the time. Unfortunately I give into them occassionally. I want to rise above them, but I don't want to shut myself off.

A practical question of this is reacting to urges. Should I allow myself to have sexual thoughts? If I don't, I might rewire myself too much and shut myself down sexually. If I do, I put myself at risk of acting out.
On a halachic level, הרהורים themselves are also not allowed... so that's confusing too. Is it bad to think about a sexual relationship with a theoretical future wife?

I look forward to hearing insights or advice, but mostly having people to talk to about my challenges. Thanks in advance.
Derech Rechokah

Shalom Brother,
Welcome and it's great that you reached out with your first post.

You can definitely find help and support in answering your questions. Better yet, as you said, you can connect with some truly special people here.

There is a lot to say regarding what you wrote. If you feel up for it, there are incredible mentors here and I'd strongly recommend reaching out to one (or all) of them. A moment please while I go find some email addresses
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, and iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com are a great place to start!

Kol Tov and hatzlacha!

Hi and welcome to the club, R' derechrechokah.

Your questions have such simple answers, yet not so achievable just from reading them online, you really should speak with the big guys like the mentor in chief HHM, EERIE, MUTTEL, CHAIMOIGEN, and the list goes on, you can also reach out to me if you wish, and feel comfortable, my contact info are below, in my signature.

If you still want a written response, I'd gladly write it up but I'm a bit tight in time now, so I'll see later at night if you still need it, but please do yourself the favor and reach out to someone, who can help you.

KOMT!!!
With love Akiva

Hey Derech Rachokah,

   I am 22yrs old and single abd understand where your thought process is coming from. Fortunately it is flawed and there are answers which I will try to answer but I highly recommend reaching out to HashemHelpMe when you are ready, and to listen to Dov's talks in the GYE adio library.

    To answer the 1st question of what is GYE and what's the goal of 90 days I would tell you that by joining GYE and mainly posting and interacting with others struggling in your situation takes off some of the burden of feeling alone in this struggle. 90 days is a good way to start but the main goal is overall cleanliness regardless of streaks more important is progress to being clean and the longer you are clean the easier it gets. Never easy but easier.

   To answer the next question about not having halachic sexual "outlet" is a slight misconception. Yes sex in marriage may help but only with the correct mindset of what a healthy sexual relationship is. It is completely different from what pornography displays as a Lust ridden interaction. It is a intimate relationship with your wife that should be removed from Lust bc lust is a thing of taking and intimacy is an exchange of a deep and meaningful personal connection.  This point is what I would definitely recomend talking to HashemHelpMe for a better understanding.
Pornography and Masterbation is Lust, Lust kills Love, Love is created by intimacy, and in affect Lust kills Intimacy.

    For your 3rd question about loosing sexual drive, I highly doibt as a man you can loose your sexual desire unless there's medical reasons/intervention. I currently have a long streak going and have found that my "sexual desires" are still there bc I am a regular human, but I have kept them in check and other feelings have become more important like longing for a wife and family in a healthy relationship full of love which can't properly exist when Lust ridden. The absence of Lust is freedom, remember that sex does not equal Lust.

    For your 4th quesquestion about thoughts, with time they dissipate. What you should do when you get them is acknowledge that they're there but don't let them play out. Forcing them out acknowledges them and gives them more substance while playing them out will create more fantasies which is a form of lust and can possibly lead to acting out.
For thoughts of your theoretical future wife is Lust and must be kept in check. Try to refocus the thoughts to be about what you want your relationship with your wife to be. How you want to love and care for her and to be Lust free for her.

Being free from Lust is true living.

I hope this wasnt too long for you

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha. There is nothing wrong at all with a bochur having no (or minimal) urges. You will b'ezras Hashem be able to do what needs to be done when you got married.  No need to worry, panic, or obsess. If you successfully turned off the drive in the past, do so again. Thank Hashem that you (and a sizable minority of people) have this ability. Many don't and therefore have a much harder time.

I feel so hopeless. This is the second time in a row that I fell after 2.5 weeks. I know it's a long time. But it takes me so long to get here and then I just blow it. I feel like such a failure.

How are you celebrating 2.5 weeks?  Very serious - celebrating will b'ezras Hashem help you conquer this.

derech rechokah wrote on 24 Dec 2024 22:05:

I’ve been there feel free to reach out for chizuk

That's really tuff 

Don't let 1 fall take away the significance of 5 week of being clean. The streak isn't the main goal, it's the overall cleanliness. We have to try to learn from the mistakes we make and get back up stronger.
   Try to take note of your emotions and what lead to the fall.
Most importantly, take it One Day At A Time. We gain the tools for the future by focusing on the present.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Thanks everyone. It's hard for me to view it as 5 weeks clean after two falls over that period... but I guess that's valid. 
Any suggestions for celebrating successes? I've never been so good at those. And is it still ok to celebrate the last 5 weeks after both streaks ended?

derech rechokah wrote on 24 Dec 2024 23:15:

Hi DR,
No doubt that you should celebrate!! The falls are insignificant vs your achievements. Think about the amount of times you've said "No! I won't!" over the past weeks! The main reason to celebrate is not the streak but rather the skills that you've gained. You're amazing! Keep going strong!

Re how to celebrate, I imagine everyone has different ways of doing it but I believe the minhag hamakom is by treating yourself to something you've been eyeing at your local bakery.. i suppose a gezunte piece of cheesecake will always go down well... something that the "Guf" gets to really feel the accomplishments. I think that's the point.

Looking forward to hearing from you...

חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown

Welcome to GYE, I'm new here too, and I've recently learned there's a difference between a "fall" and a "slip".  Someone who falls is not like someone who slips.  The two are very different.  Someone who falls, is someone who stays sprawled out on the ground for a while before attempting to get up - that's a fall.  Someone who slips is someone who trips and maybe takes a spill but gets right back on his feet and keeps on going. 

When we look at what happens to us objectively, it depends...  If we've completely given up and have gone back to our old ways as if we don't care any longer, then that's a FALL.  But if we're committed to the fight and "really trying" our best, then what happened to us is not a fall at all, that's just a SLIP... and everyone slips!!  So, let's KOMT - as I've seen said around here - and not get discouraged.

WOW!
So encouraging!
Thank you for the chizzuk