For some reason i am not receiving emails from GYE that there are new posts on the threads that i am subscribed to so i am a very late comer to this conversation. My two cents? Yachid v'rabim, halacha k'rabim. Jolly, quite a few guys who are intimately involved in this parsha posted on your thread. These are intelligent fellows who have analyzed and studied this struggle till the last detail. Many have spoken to Gedolim and rabbonim regarding what the correct hashkafa is. And BH they have assisted many dear individuals to escape this garbage or at least minimize it greatly. They unanimously all said the same thing, albeit in their own different personal styles. So lay down your weapons (which are facing at yourself) and accept the chizuk you are receiving. It is obviously the emes.
In addition, let's face the facts. Your two unfortunate incidents took place in very extreme circumstances. The fact that you were not omaid b'nisayon those two times does not erase your success at staying clean in regular day to day life. The best proof that you yourself realize this at least subconsciously is that BH it has not led to continued falling now that you are back to a regular schedule.
Particularly your second fall - it is so unfair to judge yourself so negatively. On the phone you told me that you had not slept and that you were physically and emotionally drained. This coupled with the fact that you found the hospital to be a most triggering matzav was a recipe for a gargantuan nisayon for the biggest tzaddikim around. The stress, exhaustion, anxiety, worry (for the relative who was the patient), not being in your usual daled amos, and the fact that for years masturbation was your self-regulation tool to calm down, unfortunately created an extremely precarious dynamic. Was it wrong to give in? Most definitely. But it is an isolated incident.
Similarly, the Chol HaMoed incident, due to your panic (which many of us would experience) finding yourself in such an arousing matzav, created a magnified and exaggerated nisayon. Again, i am not saying it was okay to masturbate - it is a clear issur, but let's be honest about how over the top the nisayon was.
Interestingly, neither story caused you to act out rach"l multiple times, nor did they lead you to "break your streak" of keeping your eyes clean online. That says a lot about your general health in this area. You are much more healed than for some reason you are willing to admit.
So as per your request, i will not call you a tzaddik, hero, inspiration, merkava l'Shechina, the one that Hashem is calling together the pamalia shel ma'ala and telling them "look! look at my eved ne'eman that is walking upstream against the tsunami of filth", etc - (even though you are definitely all of the above). My advice? Let two or three weeks of normal days pass, and then calmly reach out to one of the guys to make safety plans for the future when you will inevitably be hit again with a surprise change of environment or major stressful event. B'ezras Hashem you will learn how to be omaid b'nisayon in those matzavim as well. Hatzlocha buddy.
