I'm still not sure why I am writing here. I am just letting my fingers do the writing as uncomfortable as it is. I've been on and off this site for a few years choosing to gain from the resources here without any contact with real human beings. I don't think it's easy for anyone to come out in public (even though it's anonymous), but struggling with social anxiety and anxiety in general makes it very difficult. But here goes...
Like many if not most healthy males, kedusha has been a struggle ever since I can remember; at least since puberty. Baruch Hashem my parents were pretty strict with internet so there was only so much I could access. But I made do with whatever I had. Only in my later years in yeshiva did consistent porn viewing become an issue. It starts with a borrowing a friends smartphone to watch movies and from there is downhill until you have your own phone using it for a few hours a night. I remember sneaking out in middle of shemona esrei by maariv to get a head start on my nightly routine.
With a combination of therapy and a fresh start in a new yeshiva I got past the worst of my addiction. Dating and the first few months of marriage were more or less clean. Not to say that I never gave in to a taavah but there was no serious acting out. But eventually the dream of all the taaavos going away by marriage start to fade. As much as you love your wife, she'll never be an actress or a porn star. The more you give in to the taavos the more you start to hyper focus on your wife's imperfections which then exacerbates the taavos. You try to trick yourself into thinking that if only your wife would like like this or do this then your issues will be solved. But in the end of the day we all know that that is not true and the yetzer hora will never give up (I hope he does though). 
So I'm here because I have nowhere else to go. Every time I think I've conquered the yetzer hora he's back again with something else. Or I'll be doing great and then I get hit with anxiety or depression and this is the only thing that will distract me. Or I had a fight with my wife or a bad day at work, it is the easiest escape out of real life and into fantasy land and pleasure. I think the thing about this that eats me up the most is the amount of time wasted. I love learning but for the life of me I just can't get myself to sit down and learn. I am very easily distracted even if it's "kosher" screen time. By the time I look up the night is gone. This is not who I want to be and this is only setting me back in getting to where I want to be. But try as I might there is no getting past this roadblock. As familiar as I am with this site I think I have not tapped in to the full potential of it and am missing out on a lot of what it has to offer. Just writing this is filling me with new hope. I am looking forward to hearing feedback and any suggestions as to how to get the most out of this site and this community. I probably have a lot more to say and I don't think I've shared all the details but I will quickly hit Submit now before I chicken out.

Ouch, ouch , ouch. My dear friend, I'm sorry for all the pain. If you've been around I don't have to tell you how amazing this place is, and that this a family like none other! Keep sharing, tell us what works, what your main struggles are, or whatever you feel comfortable sharing. Read, learn, connect, and beH you'll soon see the pain as a thing of the past! 
Looking forward to hearing more from you,
Eerie

This is not who you want to be….do you have a clear vision of who you do want to be? Try to do something every day that will lead you in that direction.

The excitement of resisting temptation is a much better distraction than the fleeting excitement of giving in. Learn to harness that excitement and you won’t need any other escape. The battle of the generation can help with this.

Hi,tzadik,this was so painful to read.Hopfully the the bumby road will come to an end. This is honestly an amazing community that can and will help you grow.
Take advantage of all the amazing mentors.Here is the email to one of the amazing mentors that have helped many peaple,HARAV  HHM  michelgelner@gmail.com 
There is also a very chashuv sefer called the battle of the generation, that has gave many bnei torah the proper hashkafa and strategies to win this battle.
And of course the flight to freedom course is a must.  
just one more thing read the forums there is a lot of wisdom,and chizuk to take with you.
wishing you only bracha and hatzlcha!!

From a trying bochur.

Welcome to the community and congratulations on your first post. You can get to The Battle of the Generation here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

There is a download button at the end of the page for a pdf of the book if you prefer that to the audiobook.

You can read here what I did for anxiety and depression:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/399000-My-long-journey?limit=15&start=45#422020

P&M hurts but many people have become free through GYE. Keep on posting and sharing and make friends.

gibor1836 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 01:13:

Wow. Congrats on sharing what must be very hard for you. Like many of us, you have these secrets that contain years of pain and suffering. 

Spend time browsing around and searching for wisdom. 
There are many people who will be able to sympathize with you and can offer you a shoulder to cry on. 
Others might even have some good advice. (Not me! I'm clueless!) 
But rest assured, everyone here is your friend! Everyone here has a story! 
Reach out to some of the biggest tzadikim you can imagine. People who are fighting their whole lives and have won! 
Sometimes I'm just in awe at the stories of the winners on this site. 
You'll get to know them and they won't disappoint. 
May Hashem give you strength to fight this battle. 
Don't stop smiling. 

Just sharing your story is a balm to the soul, so this is a great start. The struggle is real, but it is possible. I despair sometimes to, but I know like anything in life Hashem only gives us challenges we can conquer. This generation was given such a great challenge. We are so great. This challenge is the proof in the pudding. Here you will get the support necessary. Continue writing. Writing helps alot. And like many have suggested speak to HHM. It may sound crazy, but after speaking to him, a total stranger,  after 19 years of suffering, opening the dam for the first time, it was like a boulder lifted off my shoulders. Hatzlocha!!!!

gibor1836 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 01:13:

Welcome gibor!
I must say, your introduction post is unique (See highlights in bold), the way you understand the problem of P&M and the effects it has on life, the way you understand yourself and who you really want to be (your username says it all!).. So all that's left for you is to figure out the best way forward...

The main tools that worked for me on my journey were/are:
1. F2F program. It gives you the will power to succeed and some great tools.
2. Reading the book The Battle Of The Generation (link in my signature), gives you a new perspective on this challenge.
3. I watched almost all the inspirational videos on GYE. 
4. Keeping in touch with so many special people on the forums! Whenever I'm facing a challenge, I get in touch with the oilem here and the care and support is heartwarming and inspiring! 
5. The 90 day challenge. It has to be done carefully though, with the correct ballance, on the one hand having a goal of 90 days is an incentive but on the other hand you've got to work on a day to day basis (the oilem here is very into ODAAT - one day at a time) otherwise one falls into despair... At the end of the day this 90 day challenge is what kept me going to sobriety.

One thing I haven't done yet - which seems to work wonders - is to speak to HHM and some other great guys here over the phone.... hopefully one day... 

Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha!
And keep us posted!

חזק ואמץ
UpAndDown

upanddown wrote on 23 Sep 2024 11:44:

I just typed up a whole thing and then it wouldn't post because the page timed out or something. I don't have the patience to type the whole thing again. I'll be back tomorrow. 

I have no idea how that spoiler thing got there. I must have pressed something.

gibor1836 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 03:03:

If you are writing something very long you can copy it and paste it so it doesn't get lost but make sure to copy something else afterwards so nobody else pastes after you and finds out what you wrote.

Take two: Thank you all for the welcome and kind words. My hard copy of Battle of the Generation arrived yesterday. Reading an entire book off of a screen just would not work for me. I started reading it so we'll see where that takes me. There's also a new book called Breaking Free that just came out by Shaya Ostrov, published by our very own GYE and distributed by Judaica Press. Was wondering if anyone knows anything about that. I've been watching the F2F videos as well but have been having trouble actually implementing the exercises. That's where the real work is. I just forget about it during the rest of the day.
I wanted to speak about a specific area of my struggle that I think many people can relate to. I work in retail and deal with and see a lot of people every day. Many of those people are females. Some of those females are quite attractive. Whether or not they are dressed tzniusdik I find myself checking out every single one and logging a rating in my brain. I hope I don't sound too much like a creep but point is after a whole day of this it can be very difficult to not want to search for more online at night. Especially if I see something that I find particularly arousing. (And that's besides for the shemiras einayim problem involved at the time.) This was not as big of an issue in yeshiva and in kollel (not as big, but still an issue) but now this is part of my nisayon. Does anyone have any tips for this?

Thank you for sharing!

You can also get the book on Amazon:
Breaking Free: Shaya Ostrov: 9781607634225: Amazon.com: Books

Here are some recordings:
Breaking Free - GuardYourEyes (GYE)

This is the synopsis:
A proven Torah-based program to escape the prison of digital and media-driven addictions In an era where the digital landscape has become an inescapable part of our daily lives, the constant bombardment of media can often lead to unhealthy dependencies and addictions. For frum Jews, maintaining spiritual integrity while navigating this modern world presents unique challenges. Breaking Free offers a lifeline grounded in the timeless wisdom of the Torah. This transformative book provides practical, Torah-based strategies to help you reclaim control over your life. Whether it's social media, online entertainment, or other addictions, Breaking Free will help you re-align your behavior with your Torah values.

gibor1836 wrote on 26 Sep 2024 00:32:

Shalom Brother. I hope The Battle of the Generation helps. For the F2F lessons, perhaps take some notes on a card and carry that with you. Review it every hour or few hours to at least implement a few times a day, and as you practice it more, it should hopefully start to change your nature.

For the women you see at your job, that is hard and I'm sorry you are struggling with that. I don't have a trick for making women look less attractive. The only thing you can do is practice and learn to control your eyes and thoughts. Some people find ways to do this. Others might not be able to handle being in such a situation, at least right now.

One thing you can do for sure is filter your devices, so you don't have easy access to feed this further online at night. 

Change takes time. If you find motivation from TBOTG or F2F, try and implement it daily X number of times or during a set time period. Be consistent and add to it over time as you can. This will hopefully rewire your brain and start to build new muscles for continued progress.

Hatzlacha